'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Season 2: Episode 8
Putting Out Fires
Allen is sitting across the desk from his manager, Daniel Fitzsimmons who is looking over the script and notes Allen has prepared.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: It has nothing to do with your opponent.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yes it does, I just have to circle back to it. I do definitely have a point to make.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: The security deposit they are asking for is huge.
ALLEN CHANEY: And we get it back so long as nothing goes wrong.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: So long as nothing goes wrong.
ALLEN CHANEY: Nothing will go wrong.
Silence as we get a shot of Allen and Daniel on both sides of the desk until
A few gathered folks in mourning are here all dressed in black in this small funeral home. Wearing a black button up and black slacks, Allen Chaney steps up to the podium at the front near a coffin that has been set up. He puts on a pair of glasses and begins reading off of a sheet of paper.
ALLEN CHANEY: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to mourn a terrible loss. A loss that has been felt throughout the entirety of this community…maybe the entire world. There are some losses that just…feel so heavy that the burden seems to weigh us down to the point we no longer wish to move. But I want us all to help each other carry this weight so it seems a little lighter as we mourn not something we lost but something we all never got to meet. Yes, today we mourn the death of all of the jokes I had written about Joe Montuori.
Several in the crowd begin to break out into tears, the camera moves to show the crowd as well as the inside of the coffin which has a single composition notebook in it.
ALLEN CHANEY: Look I know this is hard. Just like I know it’s going to be hard to hear that I had this whole high-concept thing planned where I got to live a day in the life in the fantasy world Joe Montuori occupies. There was some great stuff in there that no one ever gets to see now. We can point fingers about who is responsible for this but we do know two things are certain… that there is potentially some conspiracy surrounding it that maybe involves a cult and a guy named Steve Stafford or whatever and TWO that I will absolutely find people to point the finger at to motivate me to kick their ass because it’s kind of my thing I feel like maybe people are starting to pick up on that bit but fuck it.
Allen has gone off script pretty hard but he adjusts his glasses and clears his throat.
ALLEN CHANEY: Mourn not for the giggles and tee-hees you will never know. Instead, look ahead to the dick jokes of the future and the joy and light that they will bring to your life. Well-crafted and inspirational dong humor that will lift you up and bring light into your soul in only the way that I can. Fuck, I’m awesome. And handsome. I know I get down on myself sometimes but I’m a pretty good-looking dude an-
Someone clears their throat and Allen looks up, distracted from complimenting himself to see someone was up there with him.
ALLEN CHANEY: What, you need a lozenge or something?
LOST MOURNER: Sorry to interrupt. I don’t know if this venue was double booked or something but I’m actually here for the funeral being held for Joe Montuori’s chances of ever beating you had he even got the title shot he didn’t actually earn.
ALLEN CHANEY: Ah, right. Yeah that’s being held out back.
Allen reaches into his shirt pocket and takes out a book of matches.
LOST MOURNER: Really? I was directed there earlier and all I found was an overfilled dumpster.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yes, that’s correct.
LOST MOURNER: I saw you peeing back there earlier.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yes, that’s correct.
There is nothing but silence for a few moments.
ALLEN CHANEY: You’re still here, huh? Anyway, I got jokes to cremate.
Allen strikes the whole book of matches and tosses it into the casket and it goes up in flames very very well. After a while we hear ‘cut’ and after a few more moments Allen looks around nervously.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Cut’ means the fire team comes in and… what the fuck do you mean they went on lunch?
The fire causes one of the legs holding up the coffin to break and immediately the crowd panics.
ALLEN CHANEY: Fuckfuckfuck okay not part of the script guys, get the hell out. EXIT’S THAT WAY GO GO!
The camera tips over and the video ends but we still hear everyone now rushing out of the building. Amidst all of the chaos we get one last quote from the Comedian in the darkness as he was still mic'd.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m just trying to do something fun and there’s always just ANOTHER FUCKING DISASTER.
“Back in my day we didn’t need no feel-good pills and no psychiatrists. We just drank ourselves to death… and God Dammit we liked it.”
-Will Wood
We are in Allen’s apartment and he is staring at his cellphone. Text notifications are pouring in from Daniel and boy howdy do none of them look pleasant. Finally his phone actually rings and he tosses it across the room in surprise like when a shit horror film does a jumpscare but not one they earned? He would deal with the angry 7-foot tall demon man later. He turns to regard the camera.
ALLEN CHANEY: So hi. I didn’t die in a fire. That was yesterday. Today I’m here in my place after an appointment with my Psychiatrist which I only bring up so we can get into the shit I was supposed to get into yesterday before… well you saw.
Fire. It was a fire. Fatty started a fire.
ALLEN CHANEY: People tell me I’m different, like that’s not what I’m paying for. Like a check doesn’t get dropped to a brain wrangler once a week so I can try and fix shit up here that’s broke. Are they trying to tell me the change is a bad thing? Have I been killing the real Allen one pill at a time? How many milligrams of the real Allen are still left? The more you read about psychiatry and pharmacology the more you realize every bit of this is chemistry and you have to not let that depress you which you can’t really control because all of it is chemistry and if the cyclical nature of that logic doesn’t make you want to put a gun in your mouth after 5 to 7 years you get a PhD in Psychiatry. There’s this bit Pete Holmes does about how the human brain is a withholding piece of shit. It has all the chemicals available to it to make you constantly happy all the time for no reason. It’s all in there but it won’t just give them to you. Good bit. Wish I wrote it. Anyway.
Allen makes a ‘yadda yadda yadda’ gesture.
ALLEN CHANEY: But the truth about The Old Allen is that I don’t miss him. We occasionally see glimmers and glimpses of him because he’ll never fully be gone but… after the hot dog thing a lot of people are worried that the Old Allen is back and… I don’t think that’s the case but there’s certainly something New? It’s probably pointless to make sense of it. I kinda showed you guys already.
Maladi lol.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m bringing all this up because if there’s one person in this company who I know has had their eye on every version of Allen, it is Tara Ayla. Since day one she has been quick with an anime gif on twitter for every little move I make. Especially the violent ones. She really seems to like it when I do stuff like that.
Allen realizes there’s an elephant in the room that must be briefly addressed.
ALLEN CHANEY: If you came here expecting me to talk a bunch of trash on Damian… yeah, you’re probably gonna be really disappointed. See, it turns out you don’t just cease to exist as an individual the moment you’ve selected your preferred weiner. Tara is her own person and to make this all about Damian and myself would be a shitty thing to do. No, this is about myself and Tara and oh boy do I have some shit to say. See, A lotta people watching this right now might think that I have no issues with Tara. No quarrel or anything that’ll get my nut up to rumble. A lotta people have also called Elon Musk a ‘Genius’ and think diet cola tastes just like regular cola. A lot of people are fucking wrong is my point.. Tara and I? You can call us Wendy’s because we’ve got beef to square.
A breath. Allen claps his palms together and points his hands to the camera to suggest he’s addressing Tara directly as if she is in font of him.
ALLEN CHANEY: Tara… MAYBE you believe you did me a favor taking out Joe. The ONLY solace I took in being embarrassed the way that I was is that I was eventually going to get my hands on Joe and get it all out of my system by beating it out of him. You… you stole that from me. You stole catharsis and healing from me. I said you could borrow my toy and you fucking broke it and now I have to settle for beating up one of the people who broke my toy. I guess I can make my peace with that. Still disappointing but I’ll make do.
Allen shrugs, making the best of the situation.
ALLEN CHANEY: But just to make it clear… your crew tries to pull up on me before we fight then we’re gonna have a REAL problem. We’re in a business where the both of us have seen a lot of cults come and go and it would’ve been easy enough to just roll my eyes at what you’re doing but… well first there was Kanna. I fought Kanna. I found friendship in Kanna. She was meant to be something special here. She was meant to maybe even one day be the person who beats me for this Championship… she certainly didn’t deserve whatever spooky shit you did to her at VIctory XIV…ooooh shit, Allen’s been taking notes. And yeah, in hindsight I know it was probably you who cracked me with that chair before making Kanna an offer to….
A pause. Simultaneous realization and disappointment on the face of The Comedian.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh. God dammit. I’m not gonna say it out loud but if I just figured out what I think I figured out then boy howdy am I pissed off. I’ll put my theorizing aside for a moment… but I will say that Kanna has not been the same since the day she saw that music box. Maybe you want someone like that beneath you for a reason… because you know she could be above you here. Maybe I’m just talking out my ass here but…. Man fuck that would make me really angry. She’s better than that.
Another shrug, this time maybe Allen suggesting perhaps he thinks too much of Tara?
ALLEN CHANEY: Cult shit, man… shit just doesn’t interest me but go off I guess. Of all of the problems this company has right now you go after Nathaniel Dixon. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve talked shit hard on Nathaniel Dixon and if I ever get the chance to I will again… but I did it because I wanted to bring out the real monster in him. That’s not how that ended up working out but at least I didn’t shoot hot dogs at him or put him in a Sloth costume. Of all the people here this is who we want gone? You fuckin high? Dude keeps focusing on the wrong shit and tripping over his own dick on the way to success but it’s only a matter of time til he gets it and that’s success we want in PWE. Some kind of explanation would be rad because I don’t see any logic to this and I know you value logic. Always a plan. You know I kind of hate that shit, actually?
Allen is shifting gears, seems he’s actually realized something he hates in the moment.
ALLEN CHANEY: You and to some extent your hubby yes I’m bringing him up this one time shut up… doing the real life version of what Joe Montuori was always claiming he was doing. Always a scheme in place and a master blueprint for success… Well let me tell you about my success, Tara. I didn’t have to politick for it, I didn’t have to manipulate anyone for it, and the only damage I ever did to anyone to get here was between the bells and in a ring. I don’t do politics. I don’t take people under my wing because they might be a threat to my success. I don’t ally myself with people as a means of getting ahead and if I did ally with someone it’d be because we’re friends and friends have each other's backs. I never needed a cult to get ahead. I’m not a manipulator, I’m not a master chess player, and I’m certainly not gonna pop on a fancy suit and use big words to impress people. Hell, I’ve been washing and wearing the same ring gear for like 6 months now. The one step plan to success for Allen Chaney is keep showing up and fighting and being really goddamn good at it.
I mean maybe he SHOULD get new ring gear? Kinna gross.
ALLEN CHANEY: Of course…now there’s gonna be all the talk about how I NEEDED you to take out Joe for me. I didn’t. It’s definitely not what I wanted. I know I already mentioned it but I can not stress enough to you Tara how BADLY I needed to get my hands on him after what he did to me. How much I needed to make him feel as small as he made me feel. I’ve had ONE singles loss here and ever since then it’s been disaster after disaster and it’s like everything has been thrown out of balance and I just needed to restore that balance. The truth is I could sit here and tell you every reason I’ve concocted for wanting to kick your ass right now, Tara…. But at the end of the day what it all really boils down to is I am the Excellence Champion and I’m going to come out and fight you like the Excellence Champion. My anger… It makes the fighting easier but I know I’m in danger of using it as a crutch. That’s the weak spot Jason Long found about me… I know he’s a talented dude but I didn't actually give much of a damn about him one way or the other. That needs work. I need to make this company proud even if I don’t have hostility boiling away at my gut. Hey look at that, self-improvement. Must be all the feel-good pills and therapy.
Allen looks over to where his phone as continuing to buzz away. Time to wrap this up then get yelled at.
ALLEN CHANEY: I want us to get along, Tara. I want our visions of what this company should be to align so I’ll make it simple. After I Punchline you and get my win? We good. And to prove we good? I’ve written a joke for you. Just for you.. And I’m going to tell it to you right after the referee has raised my hand and I’ve helped you back to your feet. I hope you like it because I wrote it just for you and I worked really hard on it and I hope it makes you feel better after I beat you because that’s the only way you’re gonna hear it.
There’s sincerity in the voice of The Comedian.
ALLEN CHANEY: And now you may be asking… Allen, what kind of joke are you going to tell me if you lose? And to that I say… I see so much in you. I see this company's greatest Impulse Champion. I see someone with the intensity and skill and the BALLS to continue doing further incredible things here. I’ll tell you what I don’t see, though…
A pause and then a smirk that is as mischievous as it is terrifying. One of those ‘glimmers and glimpses’ Allen had discussed earlier. If Tara has studied Allen as much as he thinks she had then she’s seen that look before.
ALLEN CHANEY: I don’t see a need to prepare any more material. So say it with me, Tara. I know you know how it goes by now. Setup.
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: Punchline.
“Everyone carries around his own monsters.”
-Richard Pryor
