'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Season 2: Episode 7
Life Goes On
Allen was mercilessly bullied in school.
He was always pretty pudgy, weird, and the autism and anxiety didn’t help. Social situations terrified him and for the most part he just stammered when met with conversation from others.
There were quite a few kids in fifth grade who were pretty exceptionally mean to him, but then one day out of the blue? One of them just started being super nice to him.
They would talk about video games and silly stuff like that. Allen’s mom always sent him to school with the best snacks (he wasn’t a fat kid on accident) so Allen would share them. Allen was starting to look forward to going to school every day.
It was nice to finally have a friend.
Then one day this friend invited Allen over to hang out. Allen had never been invited over to anyone else’s place. He packed up his Super Nintendo and comic books and a bunch of snacks and headed over.
But his friend was not alone.
And his friend wasn’t actually a friend.
And Allen ended up wearing those snacks.
So Allen went home crying.
He wrote a note with their names in it that his parents found. That was the first time Allen ended up in therapy.
Years later Allen became a World Champion in a company and overcame so much doubt and fear and anxiety to get there and a big part of what started that was that Allen thought he had made a friend.
And she made him feel not so weird and showed him that maybe he shouldn’t lash out at people.
And after Allen got beat by Jason Long history repeated itself.
And his friend wasn’t actually a friend.
So it was only when Allen knew he was entirely alone in the back, still covered in hot dogs that he was able to do what he had been holding in ever since this all popped off.
He takes a seat in an empty room backstage and sets down the Excellence Championship and well…
He just starts crying his fucking eyes out.
The fat weird kid who couldn’t make real friends.
“The one-word story about why I have a chip on my shoulder is 'bullying.’”
-Chris Gethard
Allen’s apartment. Bill asleep in the background. Single camera. Allen in a Travis Kelce jersey and pajama pants.
As bare bones as it gets. Allen wasn’t particularly in the mood for a fancy set or anything like that today. He has that look on his face of ‘Okay, where to start?’
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m sure you’re all expecting an excuse. Maybe it’s that I’m not fully healed after being sidelined with that injury or maybe it’s leftover damage from that barn-burner I had with Issak Otto. Maybe my head isn’t the game because I was too focused on Damian Ayla and that cost me. Maybe who gives a shit? I lost. I’m sure Jason Long is going to get a title shot he absolutely deserves. I’m sure that’s gonna get thrown in my face a lot here in the next few months.
Allen makes a wanking motion.
ALLEN CHANEY: That isn’t me being dismissive of the fact that I lost. I’m acknowledging it openly and I am making no excuses for it, but dwelling on it publicly isn’t going to do me a lick of good. Hey Jason, nice win. See you again soon, probably. It’s difficult to dwell on that loss as much as it sucks because uh…God you all are gonna pick this apart, too but fuck it. Transparency.
A moment of hesitation.
ALLEN CHANEY: My… feelings are hurt.
There is no touch of irony or sarcasm in Allen saying this, in fact we detect a small hitch in what he says.
ALLEN CHANEY: I realize how fucking lame that sounds. That’s fine. I’ve never been one to shy away from this. So many of you are afraid of not sounding ‘cool’ for even a second that you present like aliens trying to play human. I guess I needed my reminder that so many of you are faker than any sitcom.
A moment as Allen almost imagines a sitcom laugh track.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh hey, Vhodka. Nice to see you back. Not like I’ve asked nicely for you to do so but I guess your little stunt has told me all I need to know about where we stand with each other. I made it known I wanted you back here in pretty plain english on several occasions but you’re gonna pop up at the whim of Joe Montuori. Cool. Nice. Nice and Cool. It really tells me all I need to know about what I called our ‘friendship’. The fact that HE was the one to get you back here. This man who wants nothing more than to destroy and demean everything that has made the PWE great. I didn’t begrudge you leaving when you did. After what I went through with Issak I’d be a hypocrite… but if you’re really gonna continue to try and spin this into you ‘making me angry’ again because I needed to have an edge for this fight. I didn’t need it. I hope it was worth us not being friends anymore. Oh and while we’re on the topic of your ‘plans’ I seem to remember all this talk you had about how you winning the Excellence Championship and everything you did on the way to it was all part of a huge ‘plan’ to save this company. All a big scheme you had that was definitely going to work because you were a mastermind. What happened after that, Vhodka? How did that go? I’m not trying to say that Vhodka winning the world title was the reason this company shut down… I’m saying that if that was her plan? I want no part of any fucking dingbat plan she has to make me better. If her plan to make me better was anything like her plan to make PWE better, I’m about to go into a coma for several months.
That was probably mean, but at this point fuck it.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m not going to let anyone tell me how I should feel about it and I’m not going to let anyone gaslight me over it. I’m certainly not listening to anyone who tells me how I should react to it. I know what I’m about to do and how I’m going to deal with it and it’s really fucking bad news for everybody especially Maladoo. Mala-dee? Mala-dah? La la la la life goes on.
That’s gonna have to pass for a joke today.
ALLEN CHANEY: Weird, but I guess we’re doing a crossover with Conquest. He seems okay. Weirdly proportioned head to the rest of his body… wait, that’s Malachi.
A genuine pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: Who the fuck am I fighting?
Allen takes out his phone and starts messaging a few people. The screen goes black and we get text reading TWENTY MINUTES LATER.
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay. Sorry, I just…. Yeah, Maladi. Villainess. I think that I’ve got it now.
He double checks the text on his phone just to be sure before setting it aside.
ALLEN CHANEY: Maladi…maybe you’re cool. Maybe you’re an asshole. I don’t….know, I guess is the point. You’ve been here since the summer and I just had to message a bunch of people to ask who you were and most of those responses were the ‘shrug’ emoji.
Allen briefly mimics said emoji.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve always found it interesting when people call themselves a ‘Villain’ as what I think it shows most is a profound lack of a sense of personal agency or self esteem if their goal in the title is anything beyond the aesthetic. Everyone loves Darth Maul because he looks cool and he has a cool dual lightsaber. Everyone loves Loki from the MCU because Tom Hiddleston is attractive and he says pithy things. Then Darth Maul gets chopped in half and Loki gets smashed into the ground by a big angry dude. That’s where my whole thing about ‘Self Esteem’ comes in because you could just be a bad person. Bad people win all the time. Take a look around at the people who hold all the wealth and power in this world and you can’t possibly deny that. But the word ‘villain’ carries a subconscious implication that you didn’t make on purpose but anyone can take a look at your record and realize.
A pause to breathe and to see if the viewer gets to the point before he does.
ALLEN CHANEY: On some level you are aware that your lot in life is to lose. Losing is what villains are supposed to do. Moriarty always gets outwitted by Sherlock, Wile E. Coyote never catches the Road Runner, and every Christmas morning people gather around the tv to watch Hans Gruber plummet to his death from the Nakatomi Plaza. Just like it is Darth Maladi’s destiny to be punked out by Cade Skywalker. OH I’M SORRY. DID YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW? Do you think I’ve used a Watchmen logo as my brand for a decade and not know about nerd shit? I had Timothy Zahn books in high school while you all had ‘friends’ and ‘sex’. ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT SHADOWS OF THE EMPIRE, I DARE YOU!
Allen takes a moment to realize that this has slightly gone off the rails.
ALLEN CHANEY: Villains get beat but this isn’t me laying any kind of claim to be a hero. I’m probably not even a good person considering all the things I want to do after what happened at the end of the last show. I just want to warn you all that, like, you might not like what I do to this person. A lot of you might not like some of the things I’m gonna do leading up to me fighting Joe.
A shrug.
ALLEN CHANEY: I wish I could give you more than that because it feels good when you cheer for me but I haven;t felt this way in a while. I wish we could go back to how things were even a month ago… but even with this title in my possession it seems like maybe some of you forgot who the fuck I am and what I am capable of. Maybe that’s my bad… but we’ll fix that. I’ll remind you. I’m not just looking to pick up wins. I’m done telling you all on this roster I want you to succeed so this company can succeed. I’ve also learned and have had to accept a few harsh truths lately. Truths I learned watching an audience cheer for Jason Long in a match against someone after he mocked the death of their sibling. If that’s really where we’re at now then I don’t see a problem cutting loose for a little bit. I thought I could be a fun dad but I guess I have to get strict with you all. This is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you.
A small pause. Then a chuckle.
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay, that’s a lie. I’ll be fine.
Allen actually manages a smile.
ALLEN CHANEY: Nothing personal, Maladi. Do whatever supervillain shit you want. I’m going to break you and I’m going to laugh about it and people are gonna cheer for it. Oh and Damian? Tara? Break that orange-skinned fuckers ribs for me. Setup. Punchline.
Hard cut to black.
“I've kind of stopped valuing laughter as the end-all measurement of what I'm doing.”
-Bo Burnham
