'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEYSeason 2: Episode 6
'Philosophy and The Hot Dog Toilet'
“I feel like, you know, karmically, I'm on the heavy end of the seesaw right now. Things are all right. But like I said before, balance is always restored in the world. So I don't know how much time I have being in charge of the way things are. My file fell through the cracks of the karmic offices, and eventually they'll dig it up and be like,
‘Oh, we forget to check in on this guy.’
‘What's he been doing?’
‘Well, sometimes he tells jokes about crab legs for 35 minutes.’
‘Well, that sounds like a really dumb way to go through life. But whatever, to each their own, you know?’
‘Yeah, but it says here, his credit cards are paid off 'cause of that.’
‘Well, that's not fair at all.’“
-Kyle Kinane
Kansas City in January.
You can see your breath but still get by with a thick enough hoodie.
Out and about after an appointment with Dr. Howell, Allen is just kinda stuck with his thoughts. He was gonna do something nice for himself today.
Allen had always considered Howell to be his ‘mechanic’ and as much shit as he gave him, he did often feel sorry for all the work he was making him do.
Like he was bringing in a car with an engine full of pudding, four different sizes of tire with all their bolts stripped, and the smell of a dead animal that somehow got caught in the transmission and would be impossible to get out without dismantling the thing entirely.
But honestly it didn’t feel like that anymore.
These days, Allen was bringing in a car that, you know, worked fine but maybe a headlight was flickering. Maybe a few dents to ding out? Maybe needs some air in the tires?
The car was running fine but it still felt nice to get it inspected and check in once a week.
It used to be that when things were going well, Allen would get incredibly paranoid about it. Wait for the other shoe to drop.
Now he didn’t give a shit about them shoes, even if he knew it was still a possibility things would shift. No point in thinking about the bad when things are going so well.
Things had to go bad eventually right?
Well even if it does he was prepared to deal with it in a way he wasn’t before.
He hadn’t really spoken to Issak Otto. There wasn’t much of anything he could think of to say. Issak had made it clear how disappointed he was. Made it clear he felt like he didn’t belong here in PWE.
Allen knew there was little he could do because he had definitely been there.
In fact, that feeling was what eventually put him at the top of the heap in this company. The feeling of having such a singular focus and coming up short.
Allen hoped Issak would take the same lesson away. Come back from this better than ever.
The same way Allen had to hang back and just watch as Damian Ayla gave a title shot to Lewis Chad Pinkston, Issak had to watch Allen engage in shenanigans with Joe fucking Montuori.
Issak was good for this company. Allen wanted this company to continue being successful. It was good if people like Issak were successful here. Even if Issak did try and out Allen in a way seemingly specifically designed to trigger Allen’s imposter syndrome.
Allen’s anger at an individual never tended to last beyond him getting his hands on them in the ring and spiking them on their head.
It’s pretty incredible the progress a beating and a handshake can make.
I guess we can call that something resembling maturity and growth?
Anyway.
You know, it’s not often we get to talk about how much of a Kansas City boy Allen really is. If you were to ask him why he lives there he’d give you a sort of snarky remark about how he lives there because he travels a lot for work so it’s good to stay ‘in the middle’ but he secretly loved this place. Union Station, River Market, the Plaza… Allen at least once a month goes to the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum to just be alone with his thoughts. He had a 2015 Royals World Series cap he wore often and has been spotted on occasion wearing a Mahomes jersey. Most importantly of all… there was the barbecue.
Allen briefly lived in Texas and tried their barbecue and there isn’t even a comparison. Kansas City wins. Slow smoked meat, sweet sauce… and no one else does Burnt Ends better. There are certain barbecue joints that do certain things better. Gates has the best sauce (and their sweet potato pie is a dessert you should always save room for) . Night Goat has the best variety (their BBQ burritos rule), and the upscale Q39 has consistently the best quality of meat (The burnt ends are so tender holy fuck I’m so hungry now).
But the most consistent place across the board in terms of quality in all fields is Joe’s and the one thing Joe’s does the best is the ‘Z-Man’ sandwich. A sandwich piled high with as much of their brisket as they can fit on the bun, smoked provolone cheese, two onion rings, and their incredible sauce. It is perfect. PERFECT.
And after coming in 5th in the World Series of Wrestling and retaining the Excellence Championship….Allen felt he deserved a bit of a reward. He found one of his favorite spots to sit in in the city and unwrapped the meat masterpiece. Still hot in the nice cool weather.
“Mr. Chaney?”
Allen is interrupted from his indulgence to realize that there is a camera in his face to capture his first messy bite of the perfect sandwich. This was very unwelcome. For one moment Allen abandoned all worry and reason for one perfect messy bite of a brisket and it is such an act of indulgence that you can’t help but feel like you;ve been caught doing something wrong when someone rolls up on you with a camera while you’re eating it. It shouldn’t have been embarrassing but the sandwich is so incredibly indulgent that it feels like a Caligulan sin.
His privacy was being invaded, which made the simple act of enjoying this sandwich feel like someone just walked in on him in the middle of fucking a microwaved pumpkin.
And now you have that mental image in your head. Hahahahaha.
“Uh….what?” Allen asks, trying his best to savor his mouthful of wonder.
“I’m Kyle with Grapplechunk and I just wanted to ask about…. Like if you’re so loyal to PWE then why did you participate in side distractions like The World Series of Wrestling? Also why would you then sign a contract with CU:LT.” The man in front of Allen says. Allen sighs and chews and swallows his bite of sandwich, most of the enjoyment of said sandwich being stolen from him by this guy who looks about how you’d expect.
"Okay first off…Hi. You’re typically supposed to greet someone new by saying hello and introducing yourself. Secondly, as an interviewer you should try and open up with a single question instead of three all stuffed inside of each other like a Turducken of three different birds who’ve never heard of the idea of journalism classes or basic human manners. So uh, yeah I do love PWE, but I also love putting people through tables. PWE doesn’t afford me that outlet as often as I’d like so I signed with CU:LT which will not interfere with PWE at all. See I really really like putting people through tables but I can’t do it to normal everyday people so I have to sign with companies that allow me to do it legally. I definitely want to put someone through a table now, let me tell you.” Allen says. His disdain for this situation should seem pretty obvious but it seems like you don’t get to the point ‘Kyle with Grapplechunk’ gets in life without losing all understanding of social cues.
“Now TMZ recently spotted you attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. How long have you been sober and what triggered you seeking help for your problem?” Kyle says, Allen showing an impossible amount of restraint.
“I’ll be telling everyone the details of this on my own time but if I really had to pick a standout moment of drunkenness that pushed me to get help it was definitely when I…”Fucked your mother. Anyone can tell that’s what Allen is about to say but honestly Allen doesn't even want to risk giving this guy the pop.
“...Nevermind. Not talking about it. Anything else?” Allen says, almost curious at where this is going to go now.
“You’ve kind of come into your own as a role model for people with anxiety, mental health issues, weight issues… Losers basically. What advice would you give these people who have come to see you as something of a hero.
Allen blinks.
Twice.
It had been a while since this has happened but Allen went away.
The Comedian woke up.
“Let’s see, if I had to think of three nonspecific example not directed at anyone specific they’d have to be ‘Wash your ass’, ‘Use Deodorant’, and ‘Don’t fucking bother a fat man when he’s eating.’ Those just all came to me for some reason. Just general advice. Not directed at anyone in particular. Just good advice.” Allen says, glaring at the man holding the phone.
“Uh, Okay, well I-”
“Hey, are you recording this?” Allen asks.
“It’s streaming actually.”
“Hey cool, that means you can’t edit out this bit where I say if anyone out there wants to interview me they can go through my manager and set an interview up or maybe even say ‘hello’ and ask nicely instead of approaching me in the fucking street pointing your phone in my face aaaaaand YOINK.” Allen says as he snatches the phone from his interviewer. He then tosses the phone behind him.
It’s at this time that I, the narrator, would like to mention the one thing about Kansas City that hasn’t come up. The fact that it’s ‘The City of Fountains’ and that the wording of Allen sitting at one of his ‘favorite spots’ earlier was intentionally vague so we could get this semi-reveal moment of Allen snatching this person's phone and flinging it hard into the fountain he was seated beside. He managed to get it in the center bowl of the famous Mill Creek Park Fountain which would require some climbing to retrieve it. Climbing that was not allowed at the fountain.
“Oh and by the way….my ‘come-to-Jesus’ moment with alcoholism was definitely when I woke up one day and realized I had plowed your whore mom and she spent an hour complaining about how her son couldn’t get a real job before I kicked her the fuck out. Kiss my fat ass. Eat a big bag of my shit.”Allen swiftly unwraps his sandwich, takes a bite, then spins on his heels to walk away from Kyle.
“YOLO! CHANEY OUT!” Allen says as he marches away, all joy and perfection returning to his sandwich experience as Kyle lloks at the fountain in dismay about what to do about his phone.
The general consensus these days was Allen was a nice dude now. That he had mellowed out considerably.
But maybe…it was still a really really bad idea to test that.
ALLEN CHANEY: You might be wondering why I’ve asked you to join me in this public bathroom.
It’s uncertain whether Allen is asking this of us watching at home or to the cameraman himself.
ALLEN CHANEY: I know that is a sentence that almost never has great intentions behind it but I can assure you this is going to be okay. Nothing weird.
Allen leads the cameraman further into the bathroom and stops at a closed stall. No one else seems to be in here.
ALLEN CHANEY: Greetings and salutations fans of Wrestling, Comedy, or just people attracted to fat bearded men! You might be thinking I’m here to discuss the challenge I just overcame and the challenges ahead of me and I’ll get to those but mostly we’re going to address something very important.
Allen opens the stall door.
ALLEN CHANEY: This is a toilet full of hot dogs and today is the very first time I will be discussing why I think that’s so funny.
The camera pokes into the stall to show this public toilet has in fact been stuffed with hot dogs, buns, and covered in relish, sauerkraut and condiments.
ALLEN CHANEY: That’s right, fuckfaces. This is the Hot Dog Toilet promo.
The camera starts to turn around.
ALLEN CHANEY: Doors are locked from the outside!
The cameraman accepts his fate and turns back to film Allen standing in front of his grim handiwork, Allen smiling bright and wide.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m tickled by the absurdity of it, of course. I mean like, look at it! It clearly doesn’t belong here and yet it still exists. A toilet full of hot dogs… but beyond the absurdity I enjoy the visceral and negative reactions people have to it. I’ve had people tell me that the Hot Dog Toilet has ruined their day. I enjoy having that kind of power over people. But is there a deeper meaning behind all of it? Is there a reason I’ve attached a portion of my name and brand to a concept enjoyed by almost no one except for me? What does that say about me as a person? I guess we’ll have to figure it out.
Allen takes a moment to silently contemplate the Hot Dog Toilet.
ALLEN CHANEY: I guess we can start with where I am at mentally at the moment. There was a time where I needed my anxiety and my self doubt. I needed these internal obstacles to overcome. Even for this most recent match, I knew how good Issak Otto was. I gave him a match that played to his strengths and everyone was asking the question of if I was one of those dudes whose pursuit of and winning the championship was the peak. The whole story. Such is often the case…the chase being more eventful than reign. I’ve heard many people say that about me as I was forced to sit at home. I’m still very much aware I am not what a champion is supposed to look or act like. I’m not the face most companies want to put on a poster. I understand that, but I’m past the point of caring about it.
A thoughtful look on the face of the Excellence Champion.
ALLEN CHANEY: I have transcended beyond the need for an internalized well of negativity and doubt and anger to feed on to carry me to greatness. I became the Excellence Champion because I had something to prove to myself and a lot of people thought once I’d proven my pint that was the peak. Nah. I became champion to prove a point.
Allen looks at the title draped over his shoulder.
ALLEN CHANEY: Now that the point has been made, I REMAIN the Excellence Champion because I’m really really fucking good at this.
We can see a realization strike in the eyes of the Champion.
ALLEN CHANEY: Maybe I’M the Hot Dog Toilet! Maybe that’s why I feel such an attachment to the concept! Something that isn’t supposed to belong but just EXISTS and lets everyone deal with it. Maybe that’s it? No that’s….that’s probably nothing. Anyway.
Allen shrugs and decides to move on but is till committed to making this all about the Hot Dog Toilet.
ALLEN CHANEY: Don’t confuse this new confidence with complacency. I’ve got the Impulse Champion this week, Joe Montuori maybe soon if he hasn’t talked his way out of both a title shot and a job by now….and then the big one. I had enough of a break. Allen is back to putting in the work.
Allen looks at the toilet and realizes he should probably talk about his opponent. That’d probably be a good thing to do.
ALLEN CHANEY: Now before I get into it with Jason I want to get something nice out of the way concerning some recent statements by Joe Montuori in regards to Jason. I hold this title and it’s kinda on me to speak on this sort of stuff. I don’t know if Jason is aware that Joe has recently been making the claim that he lost the Impulse Championship intentionally so as to free himself up to come after the Excellence Championship. I just want Jason to be aware that I don’t believe Joe and I’m pretty sure no one does. I think you beat him for the Impulse championship and that you deserve to be Impulse Champion and that Joe trying to say any different devalues this company, your efforts, and himself overall as a competitor. I’m not gonna talk much more about Joe because on the off-chance that he isn’t either unemployed or has accidentally walked into oncoming traffic because he thinks his lawyers and LCP have somehow rendered him immortal then I have to fight him soon and I have to save that material.
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: I have a lot of material for that and it’s very very good, but this isn;t about Joe. This is about the American Dragon Jake Long. Strike that. This is about the Last Breathing Mercenary Jason Long. A good competitor, but one whose chances of elevating past the Impulse Championship while I’m around are going straight into the Hot Dog Toilet.
We get it, Allen. Please stop.
ALLEN CHANEY: If Jason Long was a gamblin man he’d be sucking dick for one last poker chip to turn his life around right now. There are betting men out there trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents while Jason Long can’t even make one with four quarters. The man who addressed me DIRECTLY by name and told me Issak Otto was more of a threat than me and that Issak Otto was going to beat me because if Jason Long couldn’t beat Issak Otto then Allen Chaney certainly couldn’t.
Allen pauses to make sure his Excellence Championship is still there on his shoulder. It, in fact, is.
ALLEN CHANEY: Ope. Seems to me like I beat the guy who pretty consistently has your fucking number and I beat him at his own game. That can’t be doing much for your confidence right now and I know you have a lot of it. And why shouldn’t you! You beat… Chelsea Skye…!
Allen tries to feign excitement and awe there at the end but clearly he is not particularly impressed by this achievement.
ALLEN CHANEY: So I guess you’ve got that going for you. You’re definitely one of those dudes who likes putting a bunch of belt names on a list so you can be all like ‘Hey look at my list and how many things are on it’ so I guess you can put ‘A better wrestler than a cat’ on there. So what are you, Jason? Are you The Last Breathing Mercenary? Are you The Catalyst or are you the Cata-List of Belts that you either don’t have or that don’t matter or exist anymore? Do you know how many belts I’ve held in my career, Jason? I’m not asking to impress you, I legitimately don't remember because who fucking cares? The one of mine that matters is right here on my shoulder.
Allen metaphorically pats himself on the back for that joke.
ALLEN CHANEY: Now I’ve said some balls-to-the-wall delusional shit on camera before, but I’ve never said anything as fucking hilarious as ‘I was top Champion of three companies that had to shut down because I was too good and talented and popular.’ Wow, man I know what that’s like my dude. I was once the star of a sitcom that got canceled because it was too good and too many people liked it. Maybe you just aren’t entertaining enough to have this spotlight? I’m sorry to say that’s the impression I get of you. All bun and no weiner. The bun is the foundation but you really gotta have that weiner. No one clip that out of context. Or do, I clearly don’t give a shit anymore. Hot Dog Toilet.
Allen points to it as if we’ve all somehow forgotten that it’s there.
ALLEN CHANEY: I DO give a shit, though. I certainly hope I’ve shown you all that amidst all of these open-mic'ers trying to tell you all that I no longer care about PWE. See there’s another thing that I was up to that didn’t require me to fight while I was injured. The World Series of Wrestling…and though it wasn’t PWE that nominated me for entry I WAS representing them and I showed up with almost no one knowing what my name was and left with the whole world suddenly having the name ‘Allen Chaney’ and ‘PWE’ on their lips. We’ve got genuinely good talent eyeing the PWE and returning since I did that. What have you done of note for this company since then except beat a dude who probably has CTE for that title and do it somewhere else so our show didn’t even get the ratings? Oh right. You openly mocked someone’s dead relative for no reason. I guess I have to fucking talk about that.
Allen sighs and rubs his temple a bit.
ALLEN CHANEY: I once told ‘The Aristocrats’ for like 45 minutes so I’m CLEARLY not above saying a shocking thing for a laugh or two on occasion and I’m CERTAINLY not above making fun of Chelsea Skye because it is easy and fun… but all that shit about her dead brother? Man.. hack shit. The kind of shit that comes from a place of insecurity. Because I think you’re the kind of person who is afraid they’ll no longer exist if people aren’t looking at them or talking about them. You have to constantly tell everyone about your Cat-A-List and how great you are and it’s getting harder and harder to tell if you’re trying to convince all of us or yourself. I don't give a single fuck what you think about me, you greasy bitch but…. You care what I think about you, don’t you? You care that clickbait dirtsheet dorks make YouTube videos titled ‘You won’t BELIEVE What Jason Long said about Chelsea Skye’s brother!’ with a picture of you and Chelsea and whatever lame-ass made the video doing a ‘shocked’ face in the thumbnail.
Allen mimics the ‘shocked Youtube Reactor thumbnail face’ for a moment to give us an example.
ALLEN CHANEY: I started this by telling you that I believe you deserve that Title you are holding right now and I do genuinely believe that, but I also believe that The Impulse Title… yeah, that’s about the level you should be at. I’m sure you have a very ornate trophy case at home but so long as I’m around the PWE section of that case will be nothing but silver medals. Now am I saying that I’m a better wrestler than you?
A pause as we await some sort of justification that puts both Allen and Jason on equal footing or details an advantage Jason has that Allen will overcome.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yes.
Oh okay, nevermind.
ALLEN CHANEY: You all saw what happened at the end of Magnificence. My boyfriend’s back and there’s gonna be trouble but I know that I can’t look past everything to just focus on Damian and he and I are the only people who seem to understand why. We’ll likely have different methods for making it a reality but both of us want this place to be better and as much as it’d be the ‘good guy’ thing for me to disagree with the statement he made recently after he fucka uppa my face I had to watch back and really listen to what he said and think about the fact that I may have to fight Joe Montuori or Issak Otto AGAIN and uh…
A pause…
ALLEN CHANEY: And like…he’s got a point. I was happy to see him even after he cracked me with that big beefy lariat of his because I knew that there was someone out there willing to shoulder a little bit of weight. Not my title, of course. He ain’t getting that unless kills me but like… I dunno. I’m really not trying to come off as mean or overly condescending here. It’s probably not working. I really do believe in this company and its talent.
Allen decides to save anything else he had to say. That’s for another time… now to focus back on Jason.
ALLEN CHANEY: So back on the topic of Jason and wanting to see him succeed here. Aside from the obvious beating I’m going to give you over the desperate edgelord shit, I am also placing a curse on you that the words ‘Hot Dog Toilet’ are now going to be a permanent fixture in your Google analytics. Sorry, not sorry. I want you to succeed here because that’s good for all of us but uh… I also wanna win. Man, this is more complicated than it should be.
Allen scratches his head.
ALLEN CHANEY: There’s this weird dichotomy I have to keep in mind where there are so many people in this company I want to see succeed and do great things but also I intend to hold onto this Excellence Championship for a very very long time. It feels like those ideals should be at odds with each other and I think I can come up with some flimsy justification for them… but the truth is that sometimes it’s not worth it to make sense of everything. We can find meaning in fulfillment in anything we want to so long as it makes us feel good. Even if that thing is…
Allen stops and looks down. There it is. He found it. He didn’t care if anyone else agreed with his finding but he was putting it out there now.
ALLEN CHANEY: Life is a Hot Dog Toilet.
Allen let’s us soak in the absurdity of that statement for a few moments.
ALLEN CHANEY: And we get to decide whether or not that’s a good or a bad thing.
Allen looks down at the Hot Dog Toilet and smiles, clearly having decided this is a good thing.
ALLEN CHANEY: And I think that’s beautiful. Setup. Punchline.
Allen pushes the handle to flush the toilet and smiles at the camera….and then the toilet begins overflowing.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh shit, run. We have to get out of he-
The camera cuts out abruptly.
"I'm not going to have the TV personality and be like, 'There's no bitterness. There's no ugliness.' There's bitterness. There's ugliness. There's pain. There's greed. There's malice, and there's hurt. That's all good stuff for any kind of art. I'm not necessarily feeding that side of myself, and I try not to encourage it too much."
-Pete Holmes
