'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
SE2E5:
A VERY CLASSY CHRISTMAS STORY
It’s a few days til Christmas in 2010 and a young Allen Chaney is working as a bouncer in the Power and Light District in Kansas City, a nightlife spot which is basically just a mall of bars. He steps out into the cold winter night to have a cigarette after booting some dickhead out of the bar.
Allen had started smoking because it’s the only way they’d let him take a break.
‘Hey, can I go for a walk outside where it isn’t loud as fuck?’ No.
'Hey, can I go continue the cumulative process of ruining my lungs?’ Oh, totally. Take ten minutes if you want.
He was about to be kicked out of his apartment and he didn’t know it but he was actually likely about to be fired from this job for all the time off he kept taking to go do jokes in front of ten people at a time and get thrown around a ring in a warehouse. He had walked to the area known as the ‘Trash Dock’ where all the barbacks for all the clubs in the building would bring all the trash to a compactor. It smelled like every kind of alcohol in the worst way and also piss. Acrid piss. The ‘Dock’ part was the rollup that opened to the street so a trash truck could pick up all the compacted trash of all of Kansas City’s premiere douchebags and drunken white women. Allen had gotten nose blind to it by now.
He lights up a cigarette and just takes a moment to bask in the relative silence, away from the pulsating music and the people trying to shout over it to talk to each other. Allen pulls a flask from his pocket and downs a bracing glug of Irish whiskey. He wasn’t exactly in the Christmas spirit. Soon he’d likely have to tuck away his pride and move back in with his folks. Give up on wrestling and comedy and learn an actual trade.
Fuck.
“Pardon me, good sir.” Allen hears. He turned to his left and standing beside him almost as if he magically appeared was an overweight homeless guy. He had white hair and a big white beard and a dirty red coat. As he spoke his belly shook like a bowl full of….something. I dunno.
“Yeah? What’s up, man.” Allen asks.
“It’s a touch chilly out here, would you mind if I had a nip?” The jolly old tramp asked. Allen looks at his flask then at the man then shrugs and hands the flask over. The man takes a long drink of the flask before handing it back over to Allen who wipes off the mouthpiece of the flask before closing it and putting it back in his pocket. Allen takes another drag of his cigarette.
“Why the long face, friend?” The homeless man asks.
“Oh just… not having a particularly great holiday.” Allen says, exhaling smoke.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I’m actually having a fantastic Holiday!” The rosy-cheeked man replies with a hearty laugh.
“Uh, really? I mean….It’s a bit cold out and you’re uh… ya know.” Allen says, kinda vaguely gesturing to the garbage beside them.
“Oh I’m well aware of all of the bad but I choose to take stock of the good! I met a nice young man with good drink who makes for pretty good conversation so it seems my Christmas is looking up. Who's to say your luck couldn’t change also? You have friends? Family? A warm bed to go home to? Sounds to me like you’ve got it pretty great, young man.” he says. It was everything Allen needed to hear. Was this a Christmas miracle? Allen couldn’t help but look at the man with his round belly and red coat and….could it be? Could this really be the guy? Could Allen be witness to an ACTUAL Miracle on whatever number street this is..
“Anyway, it’s Tuggin Tango Time.” The man says.
“It’s what?” Allen replies. It was at this moment that Allen remembered that Santa Claus wasn’t real. What assisted in this realization was that the homeless man with rosy cheeks and a big white beard who had imparted such Christmas wisdom to the future Comedian dropped his pants and started working his South Pole.
“Oh.” said Allen. He presses the button on his radio to call the actual law enforcement nearby.
“Did you know that Aliens invented shoelaces? They keep the Jews fro-” The Homeless man asks before Allen is quick to interrupt.
“Okay so you’re just a homeless guy. Cool. Uh….just take this.” Allen says, he tosses the flask to the man and quickly bolts away. On his way back he was confronted by a guy he had kicked out of the club earlier in the night for bothering a group of women. Allen was quite surprised at this moment to find a gun drawn on him. His life flashed before his eyes.
He found himself wishing it took longer than it did and was more interesting.
“And then what happened?” Dr. Howell asks, yanking Allen from his theater of the mind and back into 2022 in his therapist's office.
“See, that’s the craziest bit. The police were already on their way to deal with the dude cranking it and the guy with the gun didn’t see it coming. They took him to the ground and arrested him on the spot. I immediately went to my boss and saved him the trouble of firing me by quitting. Within the next month I got hired for a roster spot AND a gig hosting an open mic. Wasn't huge money, but it paid for rent and food and it was what I loved doing. I’ve been feeling a little weird and Imposter syndrome-y these past few weeks and the holidays reminded me that I’m doing this because it’s what I want to do. I took a shot at my dreams and it worked out. I just need to remember that from now on.” Allen says with a bit of a smile. One of the few times it felt genuinely good to get something out of his system.
“I see… is there any reason you had to tell me about the homeless man pleasuring himself and not just skip ahead to the moment of clarity you had when a gun was pulled on you?” Dr. Howell asks.
“He’s the key to the whole thing, Doc! Because the more I think about it…the more I think he may actually have been Santa Claus.” Allen says. Dr. Howell was having a real tough time telling whether or not his patient was being serious.
“Allen…”
“No no, you WILL hear me out on this because I’ve been thinking about it for over a decade now. He gave me some wisdom, he technically SAVED MY LIFE, and if he hadn’t I wouldn’t have had the moment that caused me to pursue my dreams. Also, he had some negative opinions about Jewish people which is TOTALLY NOT COOL AND I DO NOT AGREE WITH THAT but it would kinda track that Santa wouldn’t have a high opinion of- stop looking at me like that you judgy bitch, you weren’t there.” Allen says, stopping when he notices the wide-eyed nodding and frantic note taking of Dr. Howell.
“I think… if it’s important for YOU to believe that then there’s nothing harmful about it, Mr. Chaney.”
“Oh I feel that judgment. That’s fine. See if I’m ever open and honest again.” Allen says, folding his arms.
“I mean you could probably stand to be SLIGHTLY less open.” Howell says as he closes his notepad. This changes Allen’s tune VERY quickly.
“Oh you asked for it! You better buy a whole buncha new fuckin notepads because I’m gonna start being open and honest as FUCK.” Allen threatens.
“I think that’s our time, Mr. Chaney.”
“Oh I’ll be back next week motherfucker and I’m gonna tell you so much personal shit!” Allen says, he points menacingly at Howell as if placing a curse on the man and Howell hands him his prescription refill, Allen taking it with his pointer hand but not breaking the point or eye contact as he makes his way to the door.
“The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!”
- It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia S3E14
ALLEN CHANEY: I love you. I don’t love a lot of entities, it’s pretty much just you and Jen… just please please please do not test my love and fuck around with the tree again.
Bill simply blinks in response at Allen before batting at an ornament.
ALLEN CHANEY: Jen just pulled ahead of you in the love contest. I hope you’ve made peace with that.
Allen picks Bill up and cradle him like a furry little baby to keep him away from the tree. He looks up and realizes he is being filmed, making the same face some might make when a gun is pointed right at them.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh hi! I am ready for this! This is the time I agreed on and I am definitely prepared.
Allen sets Bill on the couch beside him and adjusts the ill-fitting Christmas Sweater he’s wearing. Allen clears his throat and picks up the Excellence Championship to sling over his shoulder.
ALLEN CHANEY: Happy Holidays, everyone! Welcome to a set approximating a cheerful Christmas home! Nothing is in any of these presents and the fire in the fireplace is fake because under the studio lights in here I am fucking BAKING in this sweater. Sweat is currently flowing from my scrotum like an undammed river. Everyone got a good mental image of my balls right now? Tight. Rad. Chill.
Allen leans on the shelf above the fake fireplace and two stockings immediately fall off.
ALLEN CHANEY: So as I mentioned last time I was on this very temporary and poorly constructed set, in the spirit of giving I gave Issak Otto a significant advantage in the Excellence Championship Match. In return for my generosity, Issak Otto implied I haven’t been around because I don’t love this company enough so now I have to fuck up his face. It’s nice being told after you’ve fallen off a fucking balcony and coulda died that you didn’t do enough for this company. Really. It’s great. I love it. Really cool of you to say, Issak.
Allen smiles, one of his eyes twitching as he smiles.
ALLEN CHANEY: My opponent is putting a lot of words into my mouth and incorrect concepts into your heads, the biggest one being that I just ‘disappeared’ and ‘came back like nothing happened’. I got hurt, Issak…and if it seems like I’m not eager to talk about the specific way I was hurt then maybe take into consideration that I knew I’d be coming back to face you and I’m not a big enough fucking idiot to announce to a submission wrestler what the hurtiest part of my body is. I’ve already given you every other advantage in this match. You want me to just lay back for you and let you pin me, too? Pin me daddy uWu!
Allen immediately regrets saying that out loud as that clip of him will likely be used out of context for YEARS. Fuck it, YOLO.
ALLEN CHANEY: So let’s address the elephant in the room. Everyone says ‘You haven’t actually defended the title yet’ like that fact is fucking lost on me. Like I have zero self-awareness. I’ve been living with Imposter syndrome my whole life. If you think I don’t think about that fact once every, I dunno, five minutes or so then you clearly have not been paying attention to anything I’ve ever said in front of this camera. Unproven Champion. Yadda yadda yadda. They seem to be glossing over or skipping some important points in saying that but TECHNICALLY telling the truth while omitting relevant words or information is a common tactic of people trying to belittle the achievements of their betters or paint them in a negative light. For example.
Allen snaps and the screen displaying the fire in the fireplace changes to show a picture of Vhodka Black and a Hot Dog.
ALLEN CHANEY: If I were to tell you all the sentence ‘One time Vhodka Black ate a hot dog in catering’ you probably wouldn’t care very much. The woman is probably more cheese and pork lips than human at this point….However.
Allen snaps again and the picture changes so the Hot Dog is replaced with a picture of a Corgi.
ALLEN CHANEY: If I were to convey that same information to you by saying ‘I saw Vhodka Black eat a dog once.’ and then didn’t offer you any additional information, that is myself omitting information to make the person look bad without technically lying. That extended and stupid comparison is my way of explaining that yes, I haven’t yet defended the title and I had to take some time off for a combination of Injury and personal reasons… but I have fought and won matches since I’ve become the Excellence Champion and it’s not like I fought scrubs.
Allen snaps and the screen changes to Chelsea Skye next to a picture of a Duck.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey Monitor guy, I cut most of this bit I just wanted to go back to the fire.
Allen snaps and now it’s a picture of Angel next to a Burrito. Another snap and it’s LCP next to a map of Norway. Allen does a few rapid fire snaps to skip ahead and we see glimpses of photoshopped images of Lachlan Kane in an Ice Cream Truck, Enigma wearing a wedding dress, Kanna next to a beehive, and Jason Long between two slices of bread like he’s a sandwich until finally we get back to the fire. One can’t help but wonder what the hell this bit was originally going to be.
ALLEN CHANEY: Right, like I was saying. When Dane Preston showed up with a fire under his ass and a need to prove himself, he stepped up to me and then he got beat. Sure he can try and make the claim that he got beat because of Pinkston, but frankly I’d be less embarrassed to admit that I shit myself in a very public place than admit I was outsmarted and punked out by LCP so I’m sure Dane will be the first to tell you he just plain got beat.
Allen makes mental note to tell his therapist about the time he shit himself as a kid at the school fair while on the ferris wheel. That’ll teach him.
ALLEN CHANEY: Then I beat Joe Montuori. If you don’t believe Joe is a big deal, clear your schedule for the evening and just ask him. Apparently I had a really hard time beating Joe according to Joe but the fact remains that when push came to shove he ended up spiked on his skull and I walked away the winner. Then we tagged and busted out a win on every other Champ and contender on this show. Yeah I haven’t done shit…but I also acknowledge you are on a hell of a roll. Good work. And now we find ourselves in a Pure Rules match. It woulda been a tables match if it was my call because I know you LOVE those. So let’s talk about real wrasslin.
People can be heard getting ready to set something up in the background. Also, though we are only seeing him above the waist we can hear and see him tear off a pair of tearaway pants which is…troubling. HE sets his Championship aside.
ALLEN CHANEY: You’ve shown that you’re good, hell you’re probably great…but you are so confident you have my number and you don’t even have the right area code. You think I’m afraid of… a limit on rope breaks? If you think I’m pissing my pants over the idea of not being able to throw a real punch then you absolutely haven’t done a shred of the homework I had assumed you would do on me. I don’t need to ball my hand to cave in your skull. I’m not gonna sit here and say I’m some amazing technician or whatever but I know a wristlock from a wristwatch and if you wanna take this to the mat? Down there is where I smush fools.
Allen rids himself of the sweater and steps off of the Christmas set and puts on a wrestling earguard as a set crew all around him begins to roll out athletic floor mats. Underneath his sweater he is wearing what appears to be a Holiday themed Olympic style wrestling singlet in red and green. We all silently thank the Lord he’s wearing pants.
ALLEN CHANEY: I always thought this ‘pure, technical wrestling’ thing was cute because really it’s doing things the hardest way possible. It’s like trying to make your way to a high school diploma only studying things they taught you in the first grade. ‘Calculus? No thanks. I’ve got my ABC’s down like CRAZY though now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to History class. We’re learning about Native American genocide so I’ve traced my hand to make a Thanksgiving Turkey!’ Everyone figured out grappling and moved on to Lucha Libre or Brawling or Pure Powerhouse wrestling and then there’s the guys who are just like ‘Nah, I’m just gonna get REALLY good at side headlocks’. That being said, SHOOT TO STAND.
Allen drops and slides on his knee and is back up to a readied grapple position.
ALLEN CHANEY: SPRAWL AND BACK UP.
Allen drops all of his weight down and we hear him hit the mat HARD before springing back up to his readied stance.
ALLEN CHANEY: That used to be my signature. People would try and shoot on me and pick an ankle and I’d just sprawl on their back and when you’re a super-heavyweight that shit is no joke. All technique goes out the window when you’ve had a piano dropped on you. From there they’re practically BEGGING you to sink in the half to roll them over and pin them so you aren’t on top of them. Wouldn’t stop me from grinding my forearm into their face a little bit just to really drive the point home. The point being ‘Hey everyone, the weird fat guy in school you’ve all been calling the f-word that rhymes with maggot for years now is in a position where he can hurt you without getting in trouble’. There was only one spot open for my weight class in varsity for senior year. If you wanted the spot you had to have a match for it. People tried to take my spot. They never did. I was all set to go to state, maybe even nationals.
Allen considers how that might have turned out.
ALLEN CHANEY: And then… a buddy of mine who had graduated the year before asked if I wanted to join his college’s sketch comedy troupe to write and perform. One that actually got bookings and performed in front of decent sized crowds and uh… I dropped my varsity spot after coming in first in the League tournament and started leaving after school to go to rehearsals and perform and write live comedy for the first time. Half the show was sketch and the other half was improv so I had to shift the way my mind functioned. I had to react faster, train my mind to process things a different way and respond quickly…. I’m not saying I’m anywhere near the technician you are because I wrestled in high school and cracked jokes. What I’m trying to tell you is that I learned more about what it means to be a fighter from Comedy than I ever did rolling around on a mat. There’s a structure and pacing to everything that I can keep up with that I don’t think any of the rest of you even realizes exists. It’s not all about memorizing counters or who can jack the most weight or do the most flips, man. Every match is alive. I can feel the pulse of it. I can hear it’s heartbeat. I know how to ‘Yes and’ in a world full of folks trying to ‘No but’.
Allen takes off the ear guard and tosses it aside.
ALLEN CHANEY: And now it is time for a jarring shift in tone.
Allen snaps one more time and now we are in an empty room, Allen seated in a chair in his street clothes and Bill in his lap, the Excellence Championship back over his shoulder..
ALLEN CHANEY: This is the bit I really REALLY want you to pay attention to, kid. Eyes here. You seem to think I owe you and PWE some kind of apology for not popping up and cracking a joke while I was taking time off to heal an injury and I’ll just come out and say it since you’re suddenly so fucking curious about it…bury a close personal friend. Well here’s my apology, Issak. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I wanted to see what you could do on your own. I’m sorry I wanted people like you and Kanna and Wraith and Jason Long to shine. If you feel like I let this company down by taking some time for my physical and mental health then you’re telling me I was wrong in thinking I was leaving things in capable hands. Yours. My bad. I’m sorry I thought you could handle it.
There is genuine frustration in Allen’s voice that gives way to a tone of genuine condescension. . Every fiber of his being hated that he even had to say this.
ALLEN CHANEY: I hired what I thought was a capable house sitter and I came back to find my house on fucking fire with the house sitter standing there with a book of matches and reeking of gasoline trying to tell me that this is my fault. I tagged with you and had a great time getting to see how you throw down in the ring. I really like you, Issak….but if this is the logic you are attempting to pursue? If this is how you feel about me? Absolutely go fuck yourself you fucking CHILD.
Venom. That’s the only way to describe how Allen said the word ‘Child’.
ALLEN CHANEY: I love PWE. I’ve been this company's biggest cheerleader and not a single person with eyes and a functioning brain stem can deny that and if I had my way I’d be on every episode of this show, I would be able to jump off tall things without hurting myself, none of my friends would ever die, and Vhodka and Damian would still be here so if for some reason I DID have to go things would be in capable fucking hands.
That wasn’t fair to a lot of really talented people on the roster but Allen was getting pissed.
ALLEN CHANEY: Why do YOU get to be the 'class act' when on the same show where I conceded the stipulation to you because of our history and gave you a HUGE advantage you tried to label ME who you SAW go off of a balcony and has been OPEN about having mental health issues as some sort of con man for needing a break? Real fucking classy, my guy. For a brief moment the ‘Golly gee’ and ‘Aw shucks’ of it all slipped away and who knows? Maybe we all finally met the REAL Issak Otto. An entitled brat thinking a few whiskers on his chin makes him a man as he projects his insecurities about his spot in this company onto me. It bothers you that while I was away taking care of myself you were stacking up wins and it didn’t produce even an ounce of doubt about who the fucking GUY is in this company. I know a lot about projecting insecurities onto others, Issak.
A scoff.
ALLEN CHANEY: We can smell our own. The difference is I don’t go around pretending to be something I’m not. Please prove me wrong. I think you are good for this company…and that the emphasis on your chosen nickname should be on the word ‘Class’ and that it isn’t just an ‘Act’. I’m pretty suspicious of anybody who keeps going out of their way to tell you what a nice person they are and I had hoped you were the exception to that rule man but…. Just so much disingenuous shit keeps pouring out of the hole under that well-groomed mustache. One of the first things you told me at the beginning of this season was that nothing I did before our fight mattered and that my significant effort and failure to grab the title up to that point meant I was an inferior champion to Vhodka Black. Classy as fuck, my guy.
Bill can tell Allen is getting a little worked up and butts his hand with his head. Allen releases a soft breath and pets Bill. Okay, another gear shift.
ALLEN CHANEY: I said after the Gauntlet match that the end result of that could have been different if you hadn’t just had a hell of a fight against Kanna. I’m starting to realize I may have done something unintentionally cruel by saying that so when I shake your hand, Issak… I am also going to apologize. Maybe it wasn’t fair of me to make you think you have a chance of taking this from me. Maybe it wasn’t cool of me to get your hopes up. I thought I was being nice by letting you pick the stip for this but… I just set you up for some REAL heartbreak, didn’t I? Good.
Allen seems to have calmed down considerably. He sets Bill aside for a moment.
ALLEN CHANEY: You went on a big time win streak and you fucking crushed it, dude. You got your face on a poster real real big in the main event and it isn’t going to be the last time that happens for you, I guarantee it. You’re too damn good for that not to happen again… but you got on camera and you basically called me a fucking con artist. I could see a world where you had a shot at winning this match if you hadn't said that but nope… Nah. You campaigned for an ass-kicking and now you’re about to get elected in a landslide.
Allen stands and holds up the Excellence Championship.
ALLEN CHANEY: Set-up. Punchline.
Allen returns home early from a Holiday party. Parties were kinda weird now that he didn’t have alcohol as social lubricant. He couldn’t drink himself charming anymore. He is quick to feed Bill and take off his Santa hat and ugly sweater. Tonight he was going to make something for dinner instead of ordering in and get started on some laundry before sitting down to do an hour of writing and then a melatonin gummy and then bed.
Structure.
Important for recovering alcoholics.
Allen pops his Airpods and Apple Watch on the fancy base by the door that charges all of his Apple crap and before he pops his phone on there as well he notices he has one of those ‘memories’ notifications on his phone. It’s this thing iPhones do now where they just show you a random picture you took like ‘Hey remember this shit?’ and this particular picture was one that was pretty popular on the dirtsheets of Allen in a crumpled heap laying next to…
Hm.
A decidedly random impulse crackles along the brain of the Comedian and he unlocks his phone and makes a call, putting it on speaker. It ring a few times and then.
“...Hello?”
“Hey, uh. It’s Allen. I’m not gonna take too much of your time I just wanted to say uh… Happy Holidays, Damian.”
And then things were silent for a moment as if Damian was awaiting some kind of joke, but no joke wasn’t coming.
Sincerity. Weird.
“...Happy Holidays to you too, Allen.”And that was the whole call. Allen puts his phone on the charger and notices Bill looking out the window. He goes to see what he’s looking at and sees on the street corner in the cold of downtown Kansas City a homeless man is standing there in a big red coat. Allen can’t help but smile a little bit.
Then the man drops his pants and-
“Oh God fucking dammit!” Allen says, covering Bill’s eyes as he snaps his blinds shut.
“Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?”
-Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation
