'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Season 2: Episode 4
Sweeping Up
God damn it we had been so fucking careful.
We got out of the Uber a block away and pulled up our hood and put on our mask and circled around the building a couple times just to be sure.
We didn’t take off the mask and the hood until we were seated and we still looked around as much as possible to make sure were clear.
We were careful.
This wasn’t our fucking fault.
But sure enough on TMZ there we were.
“Hi, my name is Allen and I’m an alcoholic.”There for everyone to see.
We hadn’t had a drink in MONTHS now but now it was all out there.
As we watch the tv, our phone is now buzzing off of the hook.
Manager. Writers. Agents.
‘Your name is out there now! This is a GOOD thing! RATINGS!’
Vampires.
And our blood is drip drip drippin away again.
We close our eyes and we are falling from the castle again.
Is it weird this is our happy place now?
Are we that fucking broken?
The doorbell makes our eyes snap open.
We open the door and Jen jumps into our arms.
And we tell her everything about how we’re feeling and for the first time it feels like a significant other isn’t trying to make us feel guilty about our depression and anxiety.
You talk for a long time.
Then you do some stuff that isn’t talking for a long time.
The next morning we wake up and you look at me. Reflected in the screen.
You reach out to me and we touch each other. Our hands meet.
I’m not ‘you’, behind this screen. But ‘we’ are ‘us’ if that makes sense.
And when we take ownership of that we realize we have power.
‘Okay’ we think.
‘I’ll show you some fucking ratings.’
“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” -Groucho Marx, who didn’t even live to see ‘Jersey Shore’
ALLEN CHANEY: WORSHIP!
The scene opens up by entering a door to find Allen Chaney in an office. Scattered all around the desk of this office are copies of ‘TV Guide’ throughout the ages, with certain articles circled and highlighted. Allen is crying ‘Worship’ to an old CRT Television set up in the room displaying only SMPTE color bars.
ALLEN CHANEY: All praise to the Idiot Box! Teach me how to live! Show me who I should be! Advertise unto me all the products that shall make me cool and popular. In the name of the Sorkin, The Spelling, and the holy Dick Wolf. I love you, TV!
Allen stops and looks up when he notices the camera observing him.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh hi! I’d like to talk with you a bit about Television ratings. Don’t leave!
The POV of the camera turns around and starts to head back toward the door it had entered from but stops when Allen says ‘Don’t leave’ and almost begrudgingly turns back to face our pudgy protagonist.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh hi! How’ve you been? Been a bit. You look good. You been working out? Yum
Allen bites his lip a little bit while looking at ‘us’ watching at home.
ALLEN CHANEY: Anyway, TV Ratings. Back before a time when HBOMax could cancel your show because they just felt like it or whatever while they’re still trying to release and market a movie starring human dumpster fire Ezra Miller, TV was dependent on their ratings because so much of their money came from advertisers and how advertisers determined how much money to give them was through what was called Sweeps.
Allen makes a ‘sweeping’ gesture and winces as this accidentally knocks a big stack of the TV Guides off the table. He does not acknowledge this mistake. Acknowledging your mistakes is for losers.
ALLEN CHANEY: A lot of you probably don’t know what ‘Sweeps Week’ was. It comes from a time before everything was on a streaming service and you had to actually know when the tv shows you liked were on to watch it. Not to get all ‘back in my day’ on you, but that’s what it was.
Allen thumbs through a TV Guide and stops and makes a face when he sees Bill Cosby, then tosses that issue aside like it jumpscared him.
ALLEN CHANEY: Basically back during a time where shows lived or died based on how much money they could get from advertisers, the rates that you could make from advertisers were set based on viewership during four weeks in a year. So to make sure they got as many eyes on their programming as they could during these specific weeks, Networks would tell shows to throw as many huge plot twists and celebrity cameos as they possibly could into an episode as they could on these weeks which were called ‘Sweeps Week’. So, if you’re binging Friends and you get to an episode where someone is getting married or someone is having a baby or Brad Pitt is there for no fuckin reason? 99% chance that episode was originally aired during sweeps so millions of people would tune in and NBC could say ‘Hey, advertisers! Look at all these people who watched. GIVE US FUCKING MONEY DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH DAVID SCHWIMMER COSTS NOW?! MATT LEBLANC CAN ONLY EAT ENDANGERED ANIMALS NOW AND COURTNEY COX DIED 2 YEARS AGO, SHE’S A GOLEM THAT RUNS ON ELF BLOOD. VERY EXPENSIVE ELF BLOOD’”
Allen pauses in that way we’ve all come to realize by now means he is trying to remember what the fuck he was talking about or what point he was trying to make.
ALLEN CHANEY: Joyce Summers dying on Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Sweeps. Dylan’s Dad fucking EXPLODING on 90210? Sweeps. If a celebrity shows up and it feels really awkward an out of place? Oh that was DEFINITELY Sweeps… isn’t that right, my good friend Kelsey Grammer?
The camera turns to the door once more and the theme from Frasier briefly plays along with audio of a wildly applauding audience but that applause dies down as the camera just keeps turning until it has spun around entirely and is now pointing back at Allen who just blinks a few times with a vacant smile on his face.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah no he isn’t actually here. He didn’t need to actually be here for this joke about unnecessary celebrity cameos to land. If you are genuinely disappointed I regret to inform you that you are probably stupid. Seriously, how fucking weird was it when Jay Leno and David Hasslehoff showed up on THE WEST WING for no goddamn reason? You’ve got Baywatch and The Chin showing up on PRESTIGE Sorkin television. Anyway, my point is that Sweeps basically lost its meaning after a while and eventually came to mean a huge HUGE moment injected into a TV show to rejuvenate interest in it as it gets stale. When they did a fake out on Glenn’s death in Walking Dead, Brian dying on Family Guy which everyone pretended to give a shit about for like a week or one that no writer could have predicted that would bring an unprecedented amount of attention… When Allen Chaney flung himself Damian Ayla to their possible deaths.
Allen stops and smirks a few moments at this memory.
ALLEN CHANEY: So I was confident as I was being stretchered out that had given you all all you needed, confident the show would be fine without me for a little bit as I recovered. I had to take a step back and just observe from the outside and I really really hoped you guys would step up because of how much I love this company and with a few exceptions you just…didn’t. I was at home waiting angrily for good news from my Doc while the PWE faithful struggled not to reach for their remotes as Joe Montuori made a complete tit of himself on screen and on twitter. Constantly invoking the memory of a LOSS against me to try and remain relevant in the Excellence Championship landscape. Hey Joe, here’s some marketing advice: If you’re trying to sell a customer on…say for example a pair of pants, it’s maybe not a good idea to keep reminding them over and over of the time you took a shit in them. Sweeps for PWE is any time Allen Chaney graces your screens and just to prove my point I signed up from the World Series of Wrestling while I was away and I dunno if anyone has seen how that’s been going but uh, yeah. I walked in as a complete unknown and now am currently top ranked there without having even wrestled a match. Hey turns out I kinda rule. Suck my nuuuuuuts.
Allen does a very crude hand gesture mirroring his vocalized statement about what he believes you should do to his nuts.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah, you heard all that correctly. I know bragging is super off-brand for me but I feel like I’ve earned having a little bit of an ego about this now. I went out there on the last show and I swung my dick about why I am this company’s champion and how much I care about this company and am going to carry it to the next level. I have promised a lot and have quite possibly set myself up for catastrophic and hilarious failure. I remember a time when that would have me shitting myself right now.
Allen just kinda goes ‘hm’ and considers this.
ALLEN CHANEY: Is this growth? Have I just stopped giving a shit? Is it both, somehow? Anyway, I have to fight a bunch of people or whatever, let’s talk about that then at the end of this try and tie it back in to all of that ratings stuff I spent waaaaaaay too long talking about like I had a point to make this whole time. So who do we talk about first… hang on, let me just scroll through twitter and see what annoys me at first glance.
Allen unlocks his phone and scrolls for a few brief moments.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh hey, Chelsea. You’re first, Lucky you! And you seem annoyed at something very specific! I’m gonna talk about it a bunch and you’re really gonna hate it! Wrestling is cool. Anyway.
Allen tosses his phone aside and we absolutely hear it break. Allen slightly winces at the realization of what he had just done but carries on.
ALLEN CHANEY: The only reason anyone cares about you, Chelsea… is because of that pussy. I am of course referring to the actual CAT Ollie and not the bald treadless tire of a vagina you overcharge people to see. Apparently you’ve come to really resent your association with the cat, and as PWE’s foremost authority on marketing and ratings let me assure you that this is an incredible mistake. If I were you I would be clinging to my association with Ollie like my life depended on it because the alternative feels like I’ve been cornered by the least interesting person at a party. ‘Hey! Isn’t it crazy that I LIKE METAL and DO PORN?! I was just DOING PORN the other day when the most interesting thing happened with a BIG PENIS have I mentioned I DO PORN and comic books have GAY SUBTEXT sometimes?’. Also, hey as someone who really does enjoy Metal music on occasion, nothing is more fucking insufferable than those Metal people who don’t stop talking about how Metal is the only genre that should exist and everything else is crap. People have different tastes. But hey, what really matters in the end is how capable you are in the ring and uh… yeah, unfortunately for you I was one of the people who was betting on the cat. In fact? I can match your most notable achievement in this company right now. Hang on.
Allen snaps his fingers and his pal Ollie Linkoln enters in a referee shirt holding Bill who is pretty much asleep. Ollie sets Bill down on the desk and Allen makes a very soft and gentle cover and Ollie does a three count before raising Allen’s hand. Bill briefly seems annoyed by this interruption of his nap before he begins cleaning himself. Ollie leaves.
ALLEN CHANEY: See? Now I’ve beaten a cat. I’ve already previously had a really awful shitty boyfriend so I basically have done a speedrun of your entire career….and also I am the Excellence Motherfucking Champion and you are not and probably never will be. If this upsets you? Be fucking better. Prove me wrong. I’d love for you to prove me wrong but you ain’t fuckin gonna. This is Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE and everyone needs to start acting like it.
Allen is kinda scolding like a parent now.
ALLEN CHANEY: And hey, speaking of people who maybe finally got the memo on that, congratulations to Jason Long. Legit fucking happy for you my guy. Happy because well… you came in without a lot of hype for PWE season 2 and boy howdy was I not fucking impressed there at the start but that’s fine. Sometimes it takes people a little bit to find their footing but you did it. Congratulations. You’re probably gonna defend that title and move on to face all sorts of awesome competitors so it’s a damn shame on your way there you’ve got to eat a loss like this for no other reason than seeing champions fight other champions pops a nice rating. Yeah I’m gonna keep talking about ratings, it’s called theming. Well you finally seem to have gotten your shit together and showing you’ve got some fight but…you know you can’t just try when you feel like it, yeah? I’m a little bit worried that maybe you feel like you’ve proven yourself and can relax now. You beat Joe. Neat. I’m partnered with a dude who beat you for a shot at my title. In fact, I think he’s absolutely handled you a few times now. Let that piss you off. Let it piss you off that I think Issak Otto beat you because he’s on a level you aren’t on yet. I want you livid. I want you SEETHING. I want you to GIVE A FUCK because you’ve shown that when you do there’s something there. Something the people want to see…and if people want to see you, RATINGS, BABY! ALL THE ELF BLOOD.
Is it like Fantasy elves or Christmas elves? Weird that you always think of them separately. Like, you never picture Legolas building toys or whatever.
ALLEN CHANEY: Angel. See the name is ironic because she does Satan stuff or whatever. That’s neat. The Devil is an okay dude. Handles my schedule and junk. Shout-out to Danny. Angel, last time we faced I advised that I would be carrying my god The Easter Bunny into battle against your buddy Satan and uh… I kicked your ass. I kicked your ass pretty easily. So when I face you I need you to admit one of two things: Either Satan is real but is a total bitch compared to the Easter Bunny OR All of it is bullshit. Which is it gonna be? I eagerly await a chance to hear you say either. You’ve been around for a very long time and finally managed to win the Victory Championship. The Victory Division is a standout in PWE because of the prestigious motto it has birthed into being: ‘Fuck it, I guess I’ll try and win the Victory Championship.’ I have not yet been blessed with a chance to utter this motto as my life is currently going very well but uh….hey. Neat belt. Also I think if I remember this correctly you and your partner want to rip each others guts out? Cool. Sure you'll do great in this teamwork-based setting.
Golf claps. Condescending golf claps.
ALLEN CHANEY: And speaking of ‘Fuck it, I guess I’ll try and win the Victory Championship’ we have the originator of the spirited motto: Lachlan Kane. Sexy sexy Lachlan Kane with his Sexy abs and his…. Desire to win back the Victory Championship because, and this is just a guess, no one has explained to him that there are other belts yet. Lachlan Kane may think he was the top Champion in his company and have left the arena after every single one of his matches thinking it was the main event. Can someone check on this? Next time someone sees Lachlan rubbing baby oil on his tummy or whatever can someone ask him if he knows what the Excellence Championship is? I’ve kinda always wanted to have a scrap with him in the ring but he typically had shit going on with the Victory championship and Daddy don’t fuck around in the mid-card no mo. Well Lachlan you step up to me with your neatly trimmed beard and your striking eyes and your...I legitimately forgot what we were talking about. I swear to God everyone but me in this company is so goddamn pretty and I have to just try and pretend like it isn’t a thing. Anyway, I think the point i was eventually going to try and get to is you do not give off protagonist vibes. You’re that cool side character who is, like, someone’s favorite I’m sure. You don’t HURT the rating but honestly if we recast you I don’t think it’d be a huge loss. Again, dying to see you prove me wrong. And buttery. Also dying to see you covered in butter. I’m still talking. Someone please edit that part out?
Totally. We’ll get right around to it.
ALLEN CHANEY: Lastly that brings me to my partner, Issak Otto. Fucking LOVE this dude. When I was told I had to step away a bit due to injury I thought about him and Kanna and breathed a sigh of relief knowing the hands I was leaving things in and… you did not disappoint me, Issak. Legitimately honored as fuck to fight alongside you… but I’d like to maybe ask how you feel now that you’ve seen what Damian and I did? Are those the lengths you are willing to go to hold this championship? When I beat you, you had already fought a hell of a fight… so you’re probably thinking I’m worried about eventually fighting you… worried about what I don’t know about fighting you at 100%. Does it trouble you to know that this knowledge in fact excites me? I’ve been watchin, bud. I’ve had my eyes glues to the tv screen whenever you’re on it and I am chomping at the bit for this and it looks like I get all of it. I get to fight with you, then I get to fight you. I like…not feeling like my faith has been misplaced and I know we’re gonna win this and I know that when we fight it’s gonna be a hell of a fight… but it’s no secret that I didn't actually defend this title. I think you’ve got the fight in you to do incredible things… but I don’t know if you’ve got enough in you to beat Allen Chaney with something to prove. Until then….let’s give them a show. Let’s show them why the Excellence division is on top because you’ve already shown me you belong in it, my dude.
There is a pause. Allen looks at the color bars of the television briefly then back to the camera.
ALLEN CHANEY: And speaking of that title defense… as I lay in a mangled heap next to Damian Ayla I began laughing harder than I ever laughed in my life. I looked over to Damian and he wasn’t laughing but I knew he felt the same way I did. Now I wasn’t laughing because I enjoy pain or whatever…that shit fucking hurt. No. It was the moment I truly realized who Damian was to me. In this industry? He’s my perfect dance partner. Now a lot of you may know I have a girlfriend now but when it comes to inside a PWE ring? I have found my One and Only. Damian and I both know this isn’t over. When the time is right? When I have this company built up to the heights I want it built to? The two of us are gonna have a fight that may just tear all of it down. If it doesn’t kill me then I’ll be there to help rebuild. If it does? Well then I guess that’s what happens to me… but that is an option. Let me spell it out for everyone right now. Damian and I want this fight, but PWE management will not agree to book it on the terms we currently want. So yeah, here’s what I want you all to do. I want you all to push for this fight. I want you to tweet at PWE with the hashtag ‘ComedyAndTragedy’ and tell them you want to see Damian Ayla fight The Comedian with ZERO chance of referee or medical stoppage. This is the arc that PWE deserves. Until then? I’ll be here popping rating after rating til management has no choice to bend to my request the same way Joe Montuori for some reason already thinks they do for him…Because when Allen Chaney is here, every week is fucking Sweeps Week. Parents will explode! People will kiss for the first time! Matt LeBlanc will feast on bald eagle! David Hasslehoff!
Allen points to the door. No one comes out. Camera goes back to Allen.
ALLEN CHANEY: I CAN’T BELIEVE you fell for that AGAIN!
Allen adjusts the Excellence Championship on his shoulder.
ALLEN CHANEY: So rejoice, cavemen! Place your hand to the screen and feel the warmth. Let it flow through you. You can believe everything it has to say. Let it mold you. Shape you. Chew you up. Consume you even as it urges you to consume. The Consumed Consumer.
Allen holds up a TV Guide with Drew Carey on the cover from the 90’s as if he is holding up the purest Gospel humanity has ever been bestowed.
ALLEN CHANEY: Don’t touch that fuckin dial. Setup. Punchline.
Allen flings the book directly at the camera and just as it hits we cut to black.
“Ratings have changed, viewer habits have changed and the options for the audience have grown enormously, but I don't think how you tell a story is fundamentally different.”
-JJ Abrams
