No More Crutches...Only Lasers

I opened my eyes and stared blankly across the sea of faces that all blurred together. People that came down to the ranch in support…in love…in curiosity…they all stood around, drinking coffee, enjoying the tea sandwiches that had been catered in…people stopped randomly to shake Lew’s hand, hug Tilly or I, pat Mo on the head, giving us their well wishes and condolences…Hundreds of “if you need anything, let us know” or “we’re just a phone call away” or “Just text me if you need to talk”...

Honestly I didn’t feel like anything right now. I felt so empty and lost. Lewis did the speaking for both of us the majority of the time since Walter died. I knew once this was over and done with, I really owed him. He would pshaw and pfft at me, but honestly, it would do me some good to do something nice for the people I love. Lewis would give me a gentle squeeze every once in a while…kissing my head as I would occasionally blink back tears. I’d give him a small smile and he would brush my hair behind my ear…

We were all dressed in varying shades of black. It felt so foreign to be standing amongst all of the people that I cared about, but feeling so alone. We were surrounded by pictures of Walter in varying degrees of ruggedness…photos of his youth and, surprising no one, he sported his signature mustache almost from birth…people were speaking in almost whispers as they milled about our home…

I sniffled and yawned…it had been weeks since I had had a good night's sleep. It was so hard for me to get used to not being woken up by his shuffling around at the ass crack of dawn, getting ready to go feed the animals. I didn’t smell his morning pot of coffee brewing…the smell of his Old Spice cologne. I still hadn’t been able to go into his bedroom that was still in the same state as it was the night he passed…

I was brought out of my stupor by my best friend Tara, sporting an adorable, but miniature baby bump, walking towards me. She wrapped her arms around me and I buried my face into her shoulder. She rubbed her hands up and down my back, offering comfort..

Tara: Hey babes…

OPP: I really hate that someone’s gotta die for you to come see me…

Tara: You better start inviting drifters over…you’ll run out of bodies before you get tired of seeing me…

OPP: That's one of my favorite things about you Tara…you’re just so humble…

She laughed loudly and pinched my cheek…I swatted her hand away, chuckling…I put my hand on her tummy, feeling a surge of jealousy that very quickly subsided into a feeling a joy for Tara…

OPP: How you feelin?

Tara: I’m okay…constantly tired, starving, irrationally angry, consistent nausea…

OPP: Sounds magical…

Tara: Shut your hole…

OPP: Hey! I’m grieving! Keep your irrational anger on a leash!

Tara: Okay…SADLY shut your hole…

We both laughed and it was the first time I had had a good genuine chuckle in weeks. It really felt good. I knew seeing my girls would do my heart some good. She hugged Lewis and I once more and announced she had to pee for the 17th time today. Her hugs were followed by Austin Ramsey, Toddy, Vhodka and Vincent Black, Atara, Jennie, Betsy, and many others…I fixed my face back into the devastation hiding smile until I saw something that almost made my stomach fall out of my ass…

Walter was smiling at me…I wasn’t looking at a photo…I was looking at him. It couldn’t be real…I felt myself wretch and Lewis took hold of my elbow. He looked down at me with his brow furrowed..

LCP: You okay?

I nodded, swallowing passed the lump in my throat…

OPP: Yeah…I think I just need some air…

He nodded and kissed my cheek as I excused myself politely from the crowd of mourners. I followed Walter outside and walked a while until he stopped at the white pasture fence. He rested a leg on the bottom board of the fence and clasped his hands out in front of him, resting his forearms on the top board. I slipped my heels off and walked into the grass, stopping next to him.

Walter: Hey Princess…

OPP: What are you doing here?

Walter: Well, baby…I’m not really here…you just have a very active imagination.

OPP: I don’t know why I expected the answer to make me feel better…

Walter: I’m sorry, Oh…I wish I had a better answer for you…

He put one hand reassuringly on my shoulder and I leaned my head down, touching my cheek to my shoulder, feeling an ache in my chest when I couldn’t feel the warmth of his hand…

OPP: I wanted this all to be a bad dream, Walt…I just miss you so fucking much. I’m so lost…she’s been so loud…I’m just a walking zombie at this point…I lost you…then Bho…I just…I don’t know how much more loss I can handle…

Walter: I know, Princess, but…we’re never dealt more cards than we can handle. And sometimes the only way out of the fire is through…

OPP: Walt…I love you, but I’m struggling right now and really need you to stop speaking in bridge troll…

Walter: Okay…how 'bout suck it up, buttercup. If this is the thing that takes your ass down after years of fighting for your own life, then you didn’t want to be sober to begin with…

I looked over at him…he was looking sternly at me. I knew that look well and sighed, blinking back tears…he signed and I saw his tense law loosen…

Walter: Look, Ophelia…you can’t use this as a reason to quit. You can’t put your life on hold because I’m gone. You want to honor me? You want to  make my loss mean somethin’? Keep goin, baby girl…keep fightin’…keep livin’…we’re gonna see each other again…and you can’t see me, but I’m always gonna be in the front row cheerin’ you on.

OPP: The front row of what? Farming?

He laughed loudly…

Walter: Nah…part of you is missin’, honey. And you know what part…you know where you belong…so get off your ass and get back to work! Get back with Jeffree and start creatin’. Once she has that munchkin, get back in the gym with Tara…and you gotta get back in the ring, sweetheart. That's what’s missin’...thats where you need to be…

OPP: I know…but…I don’t know how to do any of this without you…

His steely gray eyes glistened with tears as he reached out to cup my cheek…

Walter: I know sweetheart…but I’m always here…

The cool January air blew across my face and through my hair and I felt nothing. I put my own hand up onto my own cheek, willing there to be warmth from his hand and there was none. I let out a quiet sob and opened my eyes to see and hear nothing but the cold Tennessee wind. Tears spilled onto my cheeks as I looked up to the sky, cursing my overactive imagination.

I knew Walter was right. He was always right. I was using his death as a crutch to withdraw from life. I was using it as a reason to quit…I was dangerously close to falling back into patterns that turned me into a junkie…and I don’t think I’d have a knight in shining mustache to help me out of the hole I was digging for myself this time.

I needed back in the ring. I was surrounded by reasons to push on so I was looking for literally anything to allow me to push that away. Everyone that loved me deserved so much better than I was giving them and from this day forward, I was going to be the Ophelia Pain that they deserved…the wife…the mother…the friend…

A FEW MONTHS LATER

I gazed out the car window, squinting as the warm Florida fall breeze blew across my face and drying my eyes out. I brushed my hair out of my face with one hand, reached into the plastic bag between my thighs with the other, and pinched a small handful of the dusty sandy material into my hand. I held my hand out the window and slowly opened it, allowing the dust to be carried into the winds.

LCP: You doin okay?

I took a moment to think about Lew’s question. He reached over and squeezed the back of my neck from the driver seat. I leaned into his palm and half smiled, nuzzling his palm with my cheek. He’d been so patient through all of this…sticking by me in a life that no one in their mid 20s would willingly get themselves into. Instability…anger…fear…loss…heartbreak…

He’s taken it all like a champ and been my rock…making me laugh when I felt like dying. Holding me when I felt like I was falling apart…sitting by my side while I kept a promise I made to a friend.

OPP: Yeah…I’m good…

I pinched more sandy dust into my palm and let it fall out of my hand as we climbed higher and higher up the mountain, leaning my head against the headrest and closing my eyes…

I came out of retirement only 3 weeks ago. There wasn’t the pomp and circumstance that most people require…I just wanted to get back in the ring. I just wanted to fight…

Lewis had called in a few favors and got me on the roster at pWp…it was new and uncharted territory for me and I was excited. I was booked against Lachlan Kane post Victory loss in my pWe debut. It was embarrassing, but I’m nothing if not persistent and Lachlan looked like someone I could take. He was fighter…he was younger…and he has more experience on Victory. The crowd loves him and they’re indifferent towards me at best. It makes sense though…people love an underdog…and Lachlan Kane looked like the poster child of ‘underdog’. I’d done my research and I felt prepared this time. I felt more confident getting into the ring…I was distracted last week…and regrettably for Lachlan?

I’m laser focused this time…