Growth. // Chapter IV

He had several thoughts over the last year, of sanding the notch marks off. Only because he had to pass them every morning when he entered the hallway from his bedroom.

Back when the idea of a wife and kids was prevalent in his life, Issak and Kaia had spoken about the family they’d have. They laughed, joking about what color their eyes would be, or the color of their hair, the kind of people they’d become. Kaia had come from a large family, and Issak was an only child, so it seemed only fitting that they would meet in the middle. Plus, after buying the large castle space out in the middle of nowhere, Scotland, it’s not like they didn’t have the room for the expansion. Kaia would speak fondly of her experiences within her family, and although Issak found himself jealous, it only served to touch him of the kind of family he wanted. One of the things Issak wasn’t familiar with, is the act of marking your height on some sort of wall or door.

“You know, so you can see how much you’ve grown…”

“Is…is that an American thing?”

Really, Issak wanted to ask if it was a normal family kind of thing to do. Issak himself never had such a thing. His idea of a family was crushed early by the death of his mother. He had few memories of that time. Kaia excitedly got up off the couch, shuffling through her nearby purse for a writing utensil. What she did come up with was a blue marker. She popped the cap in her mouth, taking it off with her teeth and tossing it to the ground.

“Come on…”

She waved to Issak to follow her as she ran down the large empty hallway, skidding along in her socks. She stopped at the archway to their bedroom, placing her back up to one side. As Issak got closer, she extended the pen out to him.

“Measure me!”

Issak reached out and took the marker from her. However, he stood there looking like a deer in headlights. In fact, he was holding the marker as if he was about to sword fight someone with it. He stood in front of her, confused.

“Measure? With a marker?”

She giggled, “Just mark on the wall how tall I am, silly.”

She placed a finger up to where the top of her head met the doorway, and Issak cautiously placed a blue mark there. Inside, he wondered what exactly the point was. She turned to see his blue mark and smiled, before making him stand next to the doorway, as well. She took his hand in hers, pulling him away from the door to look at the pair of small ticks now on the side of their doorway.

“Then, in a few months, we do the same thing and see if we’ve grown at all. It’s typically something more for children, I’m not quite sure how much we’ll really grow as adults.”

Despite her last sentence, she was pleased. The real exercise for her wasn’t to see how tall they’d grow, but to give Issak the idea of children growing taller in this very space. She leaned in, kissed him, and gave him a large hug around his waist. Issak always wondered what he’d be like as a dad. His relationship with his own father was far less than to be desired. After the death of his mother, Issak’s father had thrown him further into competition until Issak found himself running away from Sweden. He always vowed to never follow in those footsteps. All he knew was that he didn’t want to be that kind of father. The moment itself had taken place months prior, and gone were his near-future plans of little one running around. Kaia was never coming back. It was nothing but a faded dream now, one he’d need to grow out of.

He looked at the marks, holding Kaia tight.

“I don’t know, I think even adults still have a bit of growing to do.”

“I was ecstatic to come into PWE on that first Victory, no matter what sort of match I was thrown in. I was even more ecstatic when it ended up being the gauntlet for the Excellence Championship. I didn’t expect my name to carry me to that contendership, and I don’t expect it to do so now, despite what others may have you think.

Despite my age, I’ve been around the block a time or two, and the more times I go around, the more I see the same faces. Not the same people, the same faces that people wear. I’ve been back a few months now, so the amount of times I had to listen to people tell me I was resting on the past, was too much to count. I didn’t pay them any mind when they said it, all I could do was sit back and do what I do best. Prove them wrong. So that’s exactly what I did when Kanna Verger said all those nasty and uncalled for things about me before that gauntlet match. She’d never met me before in her life, but she spoke as if she knew me. All those words and all that chest-puffing, to getting pinned by the Class Act.

What caused your misstep, Kanna? You were so sure. You’re poised, controlled, and a far less emotional wrestler than I. Was it that confidence turned arrogance, as I spoke about before? Maybe you listened to some whispers that ended up swaying you in the wrong direction.

Don’t think I haven’t heard them. I came back and they did nothing but whisper in the back about me, at any and every house show I’ve been to. Issak fell off, Issak has no consistency, Issak thinks he can just walk back into the ring like nothing happened? Now what do those people have to say? Since being back I’ve only shown just how hard of a worker I’ve always been. In PWE alone, I beat Jason Long. I beat Michelle Riggs. I even beat you, Kanna.

It’s no secret that you had a match with Klayton Kross just before, the same way we had our match just before I lost to Allen. However, I recall you saying the longer you were in the match, the more you’ll have to give. So by your own words, is it safe to say that the Kanna Verger I fought was actually better than the Kanna Verger that fought Klayton? Besides, that’s when I had never been inside the ring with you, that’s when I didn’t know what to expect, that’s when I couldn’t see you for what you are.

Your biggest downfall here in PWE, has been your rigidness. Your inflexible idea of what it means to be a competitor, of what it means to be a champion. You couldn’t see Allen as a champion to begin with, and now look at him. You looked to personal flaws for ring weaknesses that just didn’t pan out. You’ve got this unobtainable perfect imagine in your mind of what you need to be to succeed, and in trying to live up to that you’re going to fail at the last second every time. You didn’t think I lived up to my image, you saw me as weak, and here I stand as the only person in PWE to have pinned Kanna Verger.

Don’t get me wrong Kanna, you are a force. You came in here with a lesser name and you made yourself heard. One of the pawns we knocked down is even the same, in Michelle Riggs. We’ve had a similar path since our showing in the gauntlet, trying our best to wave our arms and get PWE to notice us against the old guard. People can tote the old guard all they want, but the fans know that it’s us that have made the biggest splash this season in regards to contention for that title. But when it comes down to you, or I…I don’t think you’re ready.

To take it a step further, I don’t think you’ve grown enough.

When I made the decision to come back to wrestling, I knew I couldn’t just step back and expect everything to be the same. The game had changed. I’d need to be even better than before. I faced my fears of challenging the changing wrestling world, I made my missteps count for something. I’m not sure if you’ve learned anything from your mistakes. Since that time, you’re still the same competitor as you were before, you haven’t changed at all. You’re still chasing perfection as if it’s something you can hold in your hand.

I know, it’s jarring isn’t it? Hearing such things from Issak Otto of all people. I know, I’ve changed. I’ve done a little growing up of my own. Strange, right? Issak can’t remain a child forever, can’t remain naive. You and I have a similar upbringing. We were forced into this sport by family who thought we would win them the world. I won’t pretend to know your story exactly, but I can draw that much at least. For me, after my mother died, my father thought the only thing that could fix the pain was more winning. I was an amateur professional wrestler on my way to the olympics, more than likely. It took everything I had in me to break the hold he had over me, and break the future he decided for me.

Sure, I may have ended up in wrestling, but I ended up in it my own way. I found my way to it on my own time, and I did what was best for me. Everyone grows at their own pace.

But until you can break from the chains, and choose your own destiny away from perfection, then you’ll keep misstepping. The House of Blues Orlando, is about to have its roof blown off, because I promise you, Kanna, you’ll need to use everything in your power if you plan on beating me on September 12th. Victory XIV is the night they finally look at us as contenders, and they look at me as a competitor that deserves another shot at the Excellence Championship.

I was inches away from being the current champion, and since that time I’ve knocked down every pin in front of me. If I knock down Kanna again, I think that more than proves who Allen Cheney should be looking at. No, who Allen Cheney should be worried about! The old Issak who have waited for his chance, but if I have to wait much longer, I’m just going to take it!”

“You have one new message, sent on September 7th at 12:52pm.”

The annoying has voicemail system rang out through his hallway the way it always did when he came home from a trip. Sometimes it was comforting, but mostly just annoying.

“Hi Issak, it’s me again. Hope you’re doing alright, call me back. Talk to you then, thanks.”

People would often say that Issak was forcing a smile early in his career. He never understood how people could believe him to be fake. It was only when he got older, did he realize why they were confused. Issak was never fake, Issak was naive. He was naive to the evils and letdowns of the world, and saw only brightness in life. When most people have their eyes opened to such a truth, they lose their smile.

Not Honey Smith.

Honey Smith was one of a kind, you’d never catch her without her smile. Ever since Issak had met her back in Mexico for ACM, she’d always been happy. With happiness in her life, she often spread it around to anyone she was friends with. Issak was one of the lucky ones that she chose to share her light with, which is why he felt the way he did now. She’s always been so kind to him, and in truth, he still held feelings for her but there was obviously something holding him back from moving forward.

In the context of friendship, their date went well. In the context of a romantic relationship, it didn’t go as well as Issak had hoped. He was lost in his head, thinking about nothing more than his next match. At the time, it was the match he had with Michelle Riggs, one he thought could make or break his career comeback trajectory. At the end of the day, there would always be a make or break moment just upon the horizon. Would this head of clouds condition continue until he finally reached the pinnacle he wanted to?

That was another question entirely, but how it was affecting his relationships is what was concerning.

One could make the case that his friendship with Carson had only dwindled since Carson had gotten injured. Then, of course, the fact that he already didn’t have time for Honey because she was outside of his competition network. Following their date, he had still yet to call her back. There was always later, is what he continued telling himself. Now it was weeks later, and he was positive the silence spoke volumes. He hated the feeling of possibly hurting someone he cared for because of his ambition.

He needed to do it now. Issak picked up the phone, and dialed his number. Each time the receiver rang into his ear, he became less and less prepared for the conversation he’d need to have. Until by the final ring, he was hoping he’d simply get her voicemail and they’d speak at a different time. However, the line connected a second later.

“Issak?! Is that you?”

He had forgotten about caller ID, and for a brief second he was shocked. Also shocking him, was how excited her voice sounded. Excited that he’d be calling her.

“Hey Honey! Yeah it’s me, how have you been?”

“I’ve been good! I’m so happy to hear from you! I was starting to worry a little.”

His hand instantly went to his head, brushing the back of his hair. Naturally, she couldn’t see this, since they were on the phone.

“Oh no! I’m sorry I made you worry, Honey. I’ve just had a lot on my mind right now with my career taking a similar uptick as before. It’s brought back a lot of memories.”

There was a short pause.

“I know…I could tell something was off when we went to dinner.”

“Oh…”

Issak had become sheepish.

“That’s actually the bigger reason of why I wanted to call you back…”

Another pause, this time a bit longer in size as he gulped in a tremendous amount of air. He wasn’t used to these sort of conversations, of letting people down, of possibly breaking someone’s heart. He was never that guy, and hated feeling like he was.

“I’ve had time to think in between traveling, and while I would love to get to know you on that level, Honey, I’m not sure if now is the right time. I’ve just taken on such a large load of wrestling, and for four companies. Realistically, I don’t know if I have enough time left over for myself to enjoy a relationship. It was selfish of me to start something, knowing I was ready to throw my all back into my career.”

He put everything out on the table, said everything he needed to say, followed by another pause. The next thing he heard was a feint giggle into the receiver.

“Honey? Are you alright? I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, Issak.”

He was nothing but surprised. He was about to ask more, but she continued.

“I could tell you where in your head when we went out, I knew your heart was elsewhere too. I’m happy to know your heart isn’t with someone else, but with the sport that we both know and love. I understand what you’re going through, Issak. I’m glad we’re such good friends that we can be honest with each other on this level.”

He felt his emotions calming, and soon he would wonder why he was so fearful to begin with. Now that everything seemed to work out for the better.

“Me too, Honey. I’m glad to have a friend like you.”

Through the phone he could almost see her smiling as well, though she always was so that was a bit of a given. They paused again, but this was a different pause. It wasn’t filled with anticipation, but rather, with joy.

“I’ll let you go now, I know you’re a busy guy.”

“Sounds good, I’ll talk to you soon.”

He hung up the phone, and put it back onto the wall where it came from. He felt a sense of calm come over him, having taken the hard road and still been happy with the end result. Of course, not everything was trimmed up nicely with a bow, but things in life rarely are. We just have to wait to see what the next chapter brings us.

Is this what growth feels like?