SE2E3: The Writers Room

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Season 2: Episode 3
The Writers Room


“In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.” -Eddie Izzard

We find ourselves in what appears to be a conference room. A whiteboard on the wall along with a variety of colored markers. Yellow, Blue, Red, Green, and Pink.

Allen Chaney enters the room and sits at the head of the table. He is then followed by Allen Chaney, Allen Chaney, Allen Chaney, and Allen Chaney. One of the Allen Chaney’s sets a batch of freshly baked cookies on the table. Another Allen is prodding at and teasing another of the Allen’s who just sighs, resigned to believe he deserves this treatment. The last one is wearing sunglasses and carrying the Excellence Championship. The Allen seated at the head of the table has the usual yellow Comedian smiley face. The one who brought baked treats has a pink smiley face that is smiling much bigger and wider than the usual face. The one getting picked on has a blue face that is frowning, and the one doing the picking on has an evil red face. The one dicking around on his phone and holding the Excellence Championship has a green smiley face on his shirt with sunglasses.

ALLEN CHANEY: Okay guys, thanks for joining me for this. I think this Writer's room setup is really gonna help us out on this one. I think we really need to re-examine the whole sitcom thing we’ve been doing.

DICKHEAD ALLEN: I think you really need to examine my BALLS.

This Allen grabs a fistful of the cookies on the table and begins messily eating them.

OPTIMISTIC ALLEN: That’s a great point, Allen! About the sitcom stuff, not about his balls. Though I do appreciate everyone’s input and am glad you enjoy the cookies, friend!

DICKHEAD ALLEN: Eat a big bag of my shit.

ALLEN CHANEY: Focus, please. I really feel like this is something we need to change.

EGOMANIAC ALLEN: I personally think it’s great because everything we do is brilliant but whatever. I’m listening.

Egomaniac Allen props his feet up on the table.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’m just thinking that maybe we need to plan it out a little better. If we can’t make it work, then it’s probably not worth doing.

OPTIMISTIC ALLEN: I’m sure if we just wing it, things will work out for us!

ALLEN CHANEY: It has literally never worked out once. Every time we have tried this sitcom thing something goes wrong. Not a SINGLE time have we pursued this concept to completion and 90% of the time the sitcom doesn’t match what we’re doing at all. Then we end up putting someone through a table.

DICKHEAD ALLEN: Putting someone through a table is the best part and literally our favorite thing to do. You wanna take that from us, fuckface?

ALLEN CHANEY: I’m not saying we’re gonna stop putting people through tables, though I will say that if we like doing it that much that perhaps we all need to consider getting laid sometime soon.

EGOMANIAC ALLEN: We just head out to the club, put this title belt on the counter, followed by our dick. Boom. We’ll be drowning in sex. That’s definitely how it will work.

ALLEN CHANEY: No one take their dicks out in public, please. Back on topic, I’m just saying that if this isn’t working out, then we need to figure out something that DOES work to put in its place.

SAD ALLEN: Why bother? Nothing we ever do works out. We always fail eventually.

ALLEN CHANEY: Something bad happens to everyone eventually. We just overthink it and make it worse. That is not the point of this. Can we please focus?

DICKHEAD ALLEN: You can focus on my dick.

ALLEN CHANEY: We have the same dick.

DICKHEAD ALLEN: Same dick that fucked your mother.

ALLEN CHANEY: We have the same mother. Gross. Please think before we speak.

SAD ALLEN: She’s probably very disappointed we didn’t go to college and that we’re probably never going to give her grandchildren.

EGOMANIAC ALLEN: Dick out on the counter. Just saying. That’s how grandbabies get made.

OPTIMISTIC ALLEN: I think mom is proud of us no matter what we do! Is anyone else going to have a cookie?

Sad Allen tries to reach for a cookie. Dickhead Allen smacks his hand before it reaches then yanks the tray of cookies away from everyone else and places it in front of him and starts pigging out.

ALLEN CHANEY: Are you not going to share those?

DICKHEAD ALLEN: We have the same stomach.

Dickhead Allen uses a mocking, condescending tone to say this the way Allen previously said ‘We have the same dick’ but really it’s a mockery of his own voice so that’s weird. All of this is weird. People actually had to edit this insanity together.

OPTIMISTIC ALLEN: Well…at least he likes the cookies! I worked super hard on them.

DICKHEAD ALLEN: They’re pretty mid, actually. I’m just hungry.

OPTIMISTIC ALLEN: Well, I can only improve from here!

Allen at the head of the table, takes a deep breath before standing up and heading to the whiteboard, grabbing the yellow marker.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’d like to hear any arguments in favor of keeping the sitcom premise thing going or otherwise any ideas for what direction we should be going in.

All of the other Allens begin talking over each other.

ALLEN CHANEY: STOP. Fuck. Okay.

Allen looks around, thinking. He finds a small hackysack.

ALLEN CHANEY: Okay. Okay. Between you four, you can only talk if you have the Hackysack, okay? Just pass it to each other. Alright? Okay. First pass.

Allen tosses the Hackysack to Egomaniac Allen.

EGOMANIAC ALLEN: I think the idea is great because everything we come up with is gold.

ALLEN CHANEY: Okay, but if you’re right and all our ideas are good we can safely do something new, yes? Then that will also be Gold and maybe even better than gold?

EGOMANIAC ALLEN: Logic checks out. Because we are smart. And handsome.

ALLEN CHANEY: Great. Cool. Moving on. 

DICKHEAD ALLEN: Hey! Why do you get to talk without the Hackysack?

ALLEN CHANEY: I'm the head writer. And I’m on whiteboard duty so I’m the one trying to make sense out of all of your…

Allen stops himself from saying ‘nonsense’ as he writes ‘Change Nothing’ in green marker on the board.

ALLEN CHANEY: …ideas.

DICKHEAD ALLEN: Well I want the Hackysack.

ALLEN CHANEY: Do you want to talk or do you wanna throw it at him?

Allen points to Sad Allen. Dickhead Allen shakes his head. Egomaniac Allen passes the hackysack to Dickhead Allen who immediately throws it at as hard as he can at Sad Allen, who drops to the floor. Allen glares at Dickhead Allen before looking down.

ALLEN CHANEY: You okay?

SAD ALLEN: I’m fine… I probably deserved it.

DICKHEAD ALLEN: I think we need to get back to our roots of telling everyone how much they suck and how they can all kiss our fat ass. Beat up folks backstage. Really just swing our dicks around now that we’re champion. Fuck the sitcom. Let’s just roast these motherfuckers. Get really hurtful and personal about it.

Allen rolls his eyes and writes ‘Roasts’ on the board in red marker.

Sad Allen picks up the hackysack that had been thrown at him.

SAD ALLEN: We should do more about our anxiety and depression and confess even more stuff. Make people feel sorry for us because of how pathetic we are.

ALLEN CHANEY: Probably not going to be very effective now that we’re World Champion.

EGOMANIAC ALLEN: Hell yes we are! Dicks on the bar counter.

ALLEN CHANEY: Stop talking about that. Stop talking at all. You don’t have the Talk Sack. And again, I am stressing that none of us actually take our dicks out and set it on any bars or tables or OUT IN PUBLIC AT ALL. I need everyone in agreement about that.

Everyone nods, but some of those nods don’t feel very enthusiastic. Allen writes ‘Honest Emotion’ on the board in blue marker. He’s also starting to realize this is like that Pixar movie. Disney, don’t sue us. Though I think a version of 'Inside Out' where a man has to argue with his inner voices to not take his dick out in public is a pretty solid idea. 

ALLEN CHANEY: Okay, I kinda took your idea and turned it into something similar. I’m not here just to do sadboi shit. Honestly I don’t have a whole hell of a lot to be sad about lately. I feel good. One of the people I’ve been eager to fight is back. Right now things are going pretty well.

SAD ALLEN: We’re probably going to outlive Bill... Life expectancy for cats is 10 to 15 years. Eventually we’ll be completely alone.

Allen looks over to Dickhead Allen and nods. Dickhead Allen takes the hackysack and throws it at Sad Allen even harder than he did the first time. Sad Allen picks up the hackysack and limply tosses it to Optimistic Allen who is just so fucking happy to have the hackysack.

OPTIMISTIC ALLEN: We should just wing it! Sure, there can be a structure but if we just be ourselves without a filter I’m sure things will work out! Also we should tell everyone abo-

ALLEN CHANEY: Nope. Not ready. Not doing that yet.

Allen writes ‘Wing it’ on the board as one of the ideas in the pink marker.

Allen takes a step back and looks at all of the ideas presented to him by the various aspects of his psyche.. Keep doing the sitcom thing. Emotional Honesty. Roasts. Wing it.

ALLEN CHANEY: Okay so…if we put all of that together…

And that’s when it hits Allen and he comes to a shocking and important realization that will rock his world and his BEING to it’s very core. Like fish walking on land. Like when Da Vinci drew some bitch grinning. Like the Wright Brothers being all like ‘Bro, the ground sucks let’s get away from that shit, YOLO’.

ALLEN CHANEY: …This is just the shit I already do.

Allen turns around and looks at all the aspects of his personality.

ALLEN CHANEY: This has been a profound waste of time.

OPTIMISTIC ALLEN: That’s okay! It’s a learning experience! We-

Optimistic Allen is interrupted by a cookie sheet being cracked over his head. Allen gives Dickhead Allen a thumbs up.

ALLEN CHANEY: …why the fuck did I decide this would be a good idea?

EGOMANIAC ALLEN: All our ideas are good, bro.

Another whack from Dickhead Allen. Allen scratches his chin.

ALLEN CHANEY: I dunno. Maybe it’s good I figured out my own formula before anyone else did. From here… we can deviate, yeah? Yeah. Once you establish the formula you can stray from it. Get experimental.

SAD ALLEN: People will hate it if you change anything.

ALLEN CHANEY: No one appreciates your input.

SAD ALLEN: I know…

ALLEN CHANEY: Meeting over…I guess.

The other Allen’s clear out of the room as Allen looks at the whiteboard with his hand on his chin. Egomaniac Allen leaves the Excellence Championship and Allen grabs it and slings it over his shoulder. Allen grabs a notepad and starts feverishly writing when someone behind Allen clears his throat. Allen looks up to see the Director, free of his neck brace after some time to heal.

THE DIRECTOR: Did you figure anything out or did we make a set for no reason again?

ALLEN CHANEY: No dude, this WAS the scene. How did you not get that?

THE DIRECTOR: So you’re actually putting this one out as a finished product?

ALLEN CHANEY: Uh…yes? Is that a problem?

THE DIRECTOR: It just didn’t really have a resolution this time and wasn’t particularly funny.

A pause. Allen nods and stands. The Director has a look of ‘Let's get this over with’ on his face and braces himself as Allen quickly snaps him up with a gutwrench and powerbombs him through the conference table, the few remaining cookies go flying in the air. Allen takes a moment to look at his handiwork before he looks to the right to show Dickhead Allen is still standing there.

ALLEN CHANEY: You’re a real piece of shit but you’re 100% right about that being just the fucking best.

Allen takes a contented breath before rolling his neck a little and facing the camera, a sure sign we are transitioning from the weird scripted metaphor to the ‘promo’ part of this promo. Once again The Director is unceremoniously carried off-screen, this time by Dickhead Allen. 

ALLEN CHANEY: Oh hi! Didn’t see you all there. Anything fucking fantastic happen to YOU lately? No? That’s a damn shame to hear. What about me, you ask? Well…

Allen smiles wide.

ALLEN CHANEY: My Birthday is September 30th but my friends are gonna be hard pressed to get me a better gift than what I got on the last episode of Victory and No, I’m not talking about a win over Dane Preston. Woulda been nice to do that fight without Pinky at ringside pulling my opponents focus. I was very nearly left disappointed in the lack of a fight I got that night but then…

Allen’s smile manages to get even wider.

ALLEN CHANEY: I wasn’t expecting him back so soon but boy was I happy to see him. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to talk about Damian Ayla in the near future but right now? I’ve had a formidable opponent placed in front of me and I’m praying to FINALLY be given the fight I’ve been fiending for.

Allen cracks his knuckles. They don’t make the cracking noise so Allen briefly laments his attempt at looking cool before moving on.

ALLEN CHANEY: So before I get to sink my teeth into that sweet sweet Damian meat that I’ve been craving, I apparently have to continue my impromptu tour of beating up the whole FIGHT! NYC roster. I don’t have any issues with FIGHT! NYC. My checks from there cleared. But apparently management isn’t going to be satisfied until they can release an officially branded ‘PWE IS BETTER LOL’ press statement with a big picture of me giving a thumbs up on it.

Allen does a big thumbs up and smiles, holding the title and a ‘PWE IS BETTER LOL’ graphic Overlay is displayed so that management has something to use for this inevitable graphic.

ALLEN CHANEY: You know it’s a lot of fun that everyone has been so quick to talk about how irrelevant I am as champion and, in doing so, can’t stop fucking talking about me. Of course this is all from people I don’t expect to understand the concept of irony but by that same token I know it means I must be doing pretty damn good. ‘Allen Chaney’ is becoming one of those names people try and talk themselves up over for clout. Allen Chaney was never that good. Allen Chaney is overrated. Allen Chaney Allen Chaney Allen Chaney. Hell, I even made it back on the Bitch List! Feels good to be back, Pinky. You skinny cunt.

Still smiling.

ALLEN CHANEY: So far, Joe Montuori hasn’t taken that route, but we’ve heard a lot from his brother Pete or whatever. Guy can’t seem to keep my name out of his mouth but I’d be trying to talk shit on people more successful than me to get noticed too if I showed up and talked a big game and then absolutely did not deliver on anything I claimed to be capable of. This idea some of you seem to have about me being afraid of you or ducking you… I’ve made it clear from the start that I want to be the standard-bearer of this company and went out of my way to call out this company's first champion to fight me. Some of y’all talking shit need a ladder to get on my fucking level and even more of you need a ladder to get on a high enough level just to kiss my ass. I don’t book matches, but if anyone wants to make a name for themselves and throw hands backstage I’m not difficult to find. Look for the fat guy. Probably in catering. Okay, definitely in catering.

Allen briefly thinks about how hungry he is before reclaiming his focus. However little of it there may be.

ALLEN CHANEY: So. Joe. Do we have a problem? On the surface, not really. We won titles, we congratulated each other… fun times. So my question to you now is... Are you being nice to me for the same reason your brother can’t stop being a prick? Is it because I’m the star of this here television program and while your bro is pathetically trying to force himself into an antagonist role YOU are looking to fill a co-star spot? I’m not saying that’s the wrong thing to do. Just saying that if it’s my good side you’re angling to get on, a good start would probably be not calling your female opponents whores for no reason. And before a bunch of people who will never have their dicks touched by anyone save for a mortician sizing them for a suit when the combination of Doritos and MTN Dew thickens their blood to a paste kills them plops down on the hemorrhoid donut on their overpriced gaming chair to tweet at me about how ‘woke’ I’ve gotten...shut up. I’ve gotten those tweets before and those accounts tend to also have really shocking opinions about age of consent as well as something called ‘hentai’ and basically the internet was a mistake. When Joey decided to call two of his opponents prostitutes for no reason he didn’t necessarily get all the way on my bad side so much as I realized I needed to smack this dude around a little bit. We was taught to be respectful in the Chaney household and if you wanna call a woman a ‘ho’ without prompting you’d best be ready to get fucking smacked around like one.

Allen shows his backhand with a bit of a smirk.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’m sure you’re more than a little pissed off that someone who doesn’t have as many years of experience you do is kinda talking down to you and saying he’s gonna smack you around like a bitch but there’s something important you might not have considered: I don’t fucking care. You started from square one the moment you signed a PWE contract and yeah…you won a title. Good shit, dude. Really. But that’s a championship that wouldn’t mean DICK if not for people like me refusing to allow this place to fade from the minds of the Wrestling community as a whole. Oh, and a quick word of advice. If you come around talking that ‘Mafia’ shit I and everyone else here are going to point at you and laugh. I for one don’t buy for a second that anyone is gonna come break my kneecaps if I say something like…I dunno ‘Hey, best of luck with fatherhood! I’m sure you and that hooker you accidentally nutted in are going to be very happy’, See how not cool it is to imply someone is a hooker for no reason?

Allen holds up his hands as if showing off the example to a student.

ALLEN CHANEY: A lot of people are confused about the ‘Wrestling Comedian’ thing but I know exactly who the fuck I am. I ain’t got a slick suit, spray tan, or a trophy wife and if I’m ordering wings they’re all for MY fat ass. The reason for that? The bulk of my life is just enduring the noise that happens between fights and stand-up sets. That shit is what I live for. It’s why historically I’m a real shitty boyfriend and a pretty fucking good fighter. I may not look like what an ‘athlete’ is supposed to. You may have more money, success, fame, and experience than I do and there’s a list of names with all those same things underneath a page header labeled ‘GOT BEAT BY FATTY’.

Allen points to himself so there is no doubt who ‘fatty’ is.

ALLEN CHANEY: It’s a joke that’s always funny. Guys with chiseled jaws and washboard abs and strict workout regimens and big lists of all the titles they’ve won all over the world and diets getting beat by a dude who invented the ‘Inception S’more’. See, it's when you take a chocolate bar and some marshmallows, dip them in nutella and marshmallow fluff, then sandwich that between two S’mores Pop Tarts. It’s a s’more inside a s’more inside a s’more. And no, the Doctor keeps checking and I don’t have diabetes. It confuses both of us. I don’t have some picture perfect life that I’m in a hurry to get back to after our match so you need to dismiss any thought you may have that I intend on resting on my reputation or my achievements or that I’m secure in the knowledge this is a non-title match. I’m gonna give my all to beat the spray tan off your burnt orange ass for no other reason than because beating the shit out of people is my favorite thing to do.

Allen holds a hand over his heart. Fond memories of hurting people who may or may not have deserved it.

ALLEN CHANEY: I struggled and clawed my way to the top for the Excellence Championship. Not once did I ever kiss up to anyone in management for my chance at this. I just kept fighting and fighting… I never allied myself with anyone in management and… Okay, let’s just come out and say it. I was all ready to keep this respectful until I found out that Mr Big Bad Scary Pseudo-Mob Dude has allied himself with fucking Lewis Chad-Pinkston. You’re DEFINITELY new here if you think Lewis is gonna help you out when it comes to me. He’ll talk shit on me, sure…but he knows what happens if he goes any further than that with me. Maybe ask him about it. Ask him about the Garden Weasel. I didn’t need a single person's help getting to where I’m at in this company, but if you wanna take the ‘bitch made’ path to the top you go right on ahead. Everyone sees through it. Everyone that has been paying attention knows that outside of here? You ain’t been doing so hot. It makes sense you’d be looking for shortcuts. I really really hope for the sake of any reputation you are considering making for yourself that you aren’t going around bragging about your allegiance with Pinkston because I might have to quit comedy if you did so seeing as I can’t think of anything funnier than that. On top of all of this, let’s not forget that Pinky is going to stab you in the back literally the moment he decides it will be funny. Or, to use a reference you’ll understand… it’ll be like in Goodfellas when Tommy kills Spider.

Allen was trying to come up with a Soprano’s reference there, but he didn’t really watch that show. As far as he watched it was just a bunch of stuff with a fat guy in therapy.

Who wanted to see that?

ALLEN CHANEY: But I can see past the exterior of things. I think any good Comedian can do that. I know the smell of insecurity. I’ve been wearing that particular scent long enough that I’ve learned to use it to my advantage. How familiar are YOU with it, though? Let me ask a different question… with all these people calling me out because I’m the fucking guy to beat… why hasn’t my name crossed your lips until presumably now that we’re booked against each other? I don’t think you want a serving of what I’m bringing to the table. I think you’re very comfortable in the middle of the card with that Impulse Championship. You got a lot on your plate, Joey. Kid on the way. I’m sure all sorts of business outside of the ring on top of that. Must be stressful. Must be taking up a lot of space in your mind. Everything has an air of uncertainty. Is that why I see you at the Rabbit so often? Having a stiff drink or two under the guise of picking up ‘wings’ for the lady? Or are you just out trying to get some air and maybe get away from the house because all this incoming responsibility is starting to get a little TOO real.

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: Or maybe the reason she keeps sending you out for shit is to get YOU out of the house for a little bit.

Allen stops and takes a few whiffs of the air.

ALLEN CHANEY: Oh yeah. I know that smell. I can always sniff out what’s real through the bullshit.

A devilish smirk from The Comedian.

ALLEN CHANEY: I really hope this pissed you off. I really hope you’ve washed some of that smell off by the time the opening bell rings because god dammit I’ve got my nut up to rumble and if I can’t get it from you I might just fucking lose my shit. What’s it gonna take, huh? Tell me what line I have to cross to get you to hit me like you want to properly fucking hurt me? I will cross that line. I will…

A moment of hesitation from Allen. He REALLY wonders if he should say what just popped into his head. Fuck it. YOLO.

ALLEN CHANEY: …I will consider you my ‘Damian Ayla’ test run for if I can beat an expecting father so bad their kid comes out calling ME ‘Dad’.

Allen sticks his chin out and points at it. Smacking it a few times. A clear indicator of ‘hit me, you bitch.’

ALLEN CHANEY: Setup…

PUNCHLINE.

‘So proud of you!’ ‘You look so great!’

Texts from mom.

‘Your tie is crooked.’

First time he’d gotten a text from dad in over a month save for a ‘you’ve gained a little weight’ after he won the Excellence Championship.

He made a mental note to bring that one up to Howell.

With HBO Max/Discovery absolutely shitting its pants for the world to see, HULU was doing a big press conference photo op thing to show off all their original programming.

And since Allen is the World Champion he found himself there and you’ve never seen a more uncomfortable looking human. Stuffed into a suit that had to be rented for him with the Excellence Championship over his shoulder. He spent the day getting his picture taken with people and never looking quite ready to have his picture taken.

How is it possible to be this sweaty?

Honestly if there wasn’t the slightest chance Allen could meet his hero Steve Martin he would have not shown up. ‘Only Murders In The Building’ on Hulu is good shit, by the way.

There were the whispers of ‘that guy is a wrestler?’ from folks who had no clue who Allen was and the occasional ‘That’s the guy from the cat company, right?’ as well.

The knowledge that Allen could at any point walk up to the bar at this event and have an old fashioned or two or five or 12 was always there, floating around in Allens mind's eye like when you see a flash of bright light and the spots of it remain in your vision every time you blink.

“God Fucking Dammit.” Allen says when he looks under his table and sees himself again. Pathetic and drunk and useless on the ground at that show in New York.

Allen thought he was rid of him but the truth is he’d never fully go away. Kind of a blessing to have the reminder, actually. The spots fade from his eyes.

They had him do a ten minute stand-up set which was great because they asked him not to work blue and six minutes was the exact amount of non-filthy material Allen had prepared and he could just do crowd work for four minutes.

Someone in the crowd sends him up a drink.

But Allen had actually already spoken to the bar staff and slipped them a few bucks. He smiles as the drink is sat on his barstool and toasts the audience.

A sip.

Apple juice and ginger ale on the rocks.

We’re Dean Martin’ing this shit.

Some good chuckles. One decent laugh break. Polite applause as he thanks the crowd and plugs PWE.

A few more pictures afterwards. A little more confidence from Allen now.

Allen raises his glass in a toast once more.

This time to his pathetic drunken doppelgänger right before he disappears from view.

Cheers, fucker.

“That's an animal fable about humility. If you survive your mistake, you must learn from it. Accept that you're fragile, vulnerable, and sometimes stupid. Realize that you're not immortal and you've got to take care of yourself. And then laugh it off and fly away.” -Marc Maron