Episode Three: Best Protect Ya Neck *KING SHIT*

Gather around boys and girls!

For your KING has a tale to tell.

And lucky for you, it’s about yours truly.

Now, this tale begins with the forced retirement of Paul Montuori from this business. Actually, from every business. Blackballed for a bad joke that was told at the Oscars. Ironically enough, the bad joke was told on the very same night that my career was set to explode in Hollywood, during my acceptance speech. My career in Hollywood started and ended on the same night. Poof, just like that everything I’d worked for was all over..

I had no choice but to exile myself to my house in the Hills of Hollywood. The only place I was safe from the hating public. Like I couldn’t even go out to get a cappuccino without someone spotting me and hurling insults at me. People always joined it. And more often than not I ended up wearing someone else’s coffee. Bunch of bullies. Haters love teaming up on beautiful people.

Fuck them.

I locked myself up and surrounded myself with people that could care less of what I said at the Oscars. Or could care less if I was a pedo or a murderer or Dane Preston. None of that mattered as long as the drug fueled sex parties kept popping off. As long as I kept supporting their habits, they kept me company. And for a while I was good with it..

Until I wasn’t.

Wasn’t long before I got bored with that lifestyle. Sure the majority of you are probably thinking I’m crazy. How would you get bored with drug fueled sex parties?! Sounds like an amazing time! And not to front, it was an amazing time. For a minute. It was always those afternoons when everyone either passed out or finally went home, where I was left all alone again with my thoughts. Left alone to think about.. Everything. Left to reflect. Left to come to the realization that I was filling a void in my life with drugs and pussy. I mean.. Vagina. Please don’t hashtagmetoo me again.. I knew there was no way I was going to live another six months if I kept doing what I was doing. Something had to change. Shit even Charlie Sheen eventually drained the tiger’s blood from his body..

I was sitting up late one night, channel surfing. And I came across a Lucha Libre show from Mexico. I watched those doods fly around the ring, looking so cool in those masks. I was mesmerized by what they were doing, completely different from the business I came from in the States. Those Luchadors man, you could tell they took pride in their artform. They took pride in the business they performed in. It was refreshing to see. When I left wrestling for Hollywood I never thought I’d ever go back. I thought I was going to be the next big thing in Hollywood. And if it wasn’t for my big mouth, I would’ve been.

But watching those Luchadors, it awakened my love for this business again. I got that itch again. But the business made it clear they didn’t want me back. Not so soon after I burned every possible bridge I’ve ever crossed.

Then it hit me. I could go back to the business I loved and missed so fucking much if I put on a mask. I wasn’t one of these guys completely covered in discernible tattoos. I wasn’t this huge monster that you could pick out of a crowd. With a mask on, no one would know who the fuck I was. Sure, I wouldn’t be Paul Montuori. I’d have to start at the bottom again. But it beats watching Pop Up Video at 3AM.

I could have donned a mask in the States. And the fans would’ve never really caught on to who I was. But the boys and girls in the locker rooms, the promoters, they’d know. Before long, that’d mean everyone would know. I’d have to take the mask off eventually, right? I mean, it’s not really normal to walk around 24/7 wearing a mask.

But in Mexico, it’s completely normal to walk around everywhere wearing a lucha mask. Especially if you had a following.. Lucha Libre is ingrained in their culture. Ingrained in their way of life. You walk down any plaza full of shops and you’ll see Lucha masks hanging from stalls. On any given day you’ll find a wrestling show being put on. The level of respect for Luchadors was nothing like how the American public saw wrestlers.. Nah, Mexico was the path I knew I had to take if I ever wanted a normal life. If I ever wanted to live a life outside of my home in the Hills of Hollywood. I knew I could be free again to go get a cappuccino again and not have to worry about being cursed out..

To say Mexico was freeing would be an understatement.

And it wasn’t just about not getting rotten tomatoes thrown at me by hypocrites who’ve said/done worse in their lifetime. At least not at first. I 100% went down there to be freed from the shackles I inadvertently placed on myself. But it wasn’t long before I realized being liked, well tolerated, by people didn’t matter to me as much as I thought it did. I was finally able to get back to what I loved doing. What I didn’t realize I missed so much during my sabbatical. Being in that ring. Competing. It meant everything to me. Still means everything to me. Being able to show everyone how fucking dope I am is why I was put on this Earth.

You’re all fucking welcome.

Crazy how I just dove right into the culture. I learned to wrestle the Lucha style. I became El Gran Luchador, living the Lucha lifestyle. That hood, that mask, I put some damn respect on that thing down in Mexico. Love or hate me, those fans in Mexico respected the hell out of me. Respected that mask. I know how much a mask means to a luchador. The respect it carries. How important it is to their heritage. Without it, a luchador is nothing..

A NOBODY!

Which is why I’m going to rip El Landerson’s fucking mask off at Victory!

Hear that, Lando?!

I’m making it my fucking mission to take everything from you. I’m going to make it my mission that your career is never the same, never recovers. That respect is never attached to your name ever again. I’m putting a stop to your Family Legacy before it ever gets started. And that includes your spoiled fucking daughter who has no business calling herself a professional wrestler.

Why, our gracious KING? Why ruin the life of someone so insignificant to you?

I’ll tell you why..

Your KING is on a fucking Crusade to rid this business of these pretenders who’ve infiltrated my business.

These pretenders, more worried about how many followers they have on Twitter than winning and losing. These pretenders who are more worried about playing the part of Pro Wrestler than being one. Since I’ve ventured out of FIGHT I’ve been inundated with these pretenders.. The Cannabis Cup, Level Up, OPW. PWE.. They’re everywhere. An epidemic of talentless hacks…

Your KING’s got this though..

I started with Kitty Kat in Level Up, then Mia Castillo at Doves Cry. The Crusade continues at Victory..

It continues with El Landerson.

Lando, you bitch! You’re a fucking disgrace to Lucha Libre. A fucking joke, a clown who has zero business wearing that mask. I see right through you Lando. I see you for who you really are. Even with the fucking mask, truth about you oozes from you.

You’re a fake.

A fraud.

You wear that mask and cosplay as a Luchador.

You’re just another pretender in this fucking business. Another pretender I’m going to expose. Expose you as another fake who’s in this business just for the spotlight. For the fame.

It’s obvious. The way you’ve paraded around PWE, wanting everyone, praying that everyone sees you as a Luchador. It’s why the majority of the promos you’ve cut in PWE were backstage, right? Interviewed in your ring gear. In your mask. A pathetic attempt to try and portray yourself as a Luchador. Pathetic attempt to get people to believe you’re a Luchador. But no matter how much you pretend and play dress up..

You’re not a fucking Luchador, Lando!

And I plan on ripping off that mask of yours!

Save PW.. My audience from the agony of being put through another El Landerson promo where you talk about your familia again. About your daughter. I know you’re bummed she isn’t here to bore my fandom. I’m sure the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You shouldn’t feel bummed out though, you should feel lucky. Lucky that your daughter didn’t come back to watch what’s going to happen to you. Good thing she’s not going to be around to see her Pops get embarrassed. See her Pops get unmasked. Have everything taken away from him..

Oddly enough Lando, in a normal world we would’ve never crossed paths. I’m on another fucking stratosphere than you. Not even in your wildest dreams would you be able to comprehend just how fucking dope I am. But it’s been the Twilight Zone for your KING recently. So here we are..

I’m not sexist.

I didn’t forget about Star. I’ve learned a long time ago you never underestimate short broads. Talk about Napoleon complexes? These broads think they can box with Gawd. I’m engaged to a short broad, I know firsthand their wrath. Which is why I have a feeling she’s got a lot more going on than Lando. She’s the one I gots to look out for. She is a vet of PWE. She was around during the first season. Got to see Vhodka do her thing. I taught her 2% of everything she knows. That has to mean something, right? But so is Lando, and he’s a fraud..

So what about you, Estrella? You the real deal? Someone that should be taken seriously? One of the few females in this business for the love of this business? Or are you another fraud like Lando? Or in it for the clout like Mia. Like Peaches and all the other fake ass, TikTok bitches using this business to try and get famous. This isn’t the Real Bitches of Pro Wrestling. And don’t expect to gain clout on my name. Don’t expect to come and make a name off of me. An opportunity to get more famous. Nah. Don’t try and use this opportunity to get those Twitter followers up. Get more likes on Instagram.

Not against me. This is serious business.

Hear little girl, this isn’t the Mickey Mouse Club.

I’m going to stomp the fuck out of both of you. Little peasant ants before the Great Boot of your KING!

Victory XIII..

The Bad Luck Club is about to get two new members..
Le
Now that I gots the business shit taken care of..

I have some personal shit, some deeply, unresolved personal shit that I uh.. Fuck I gotta resolve. But for some reason, I can’t. Everytime I attempt to search out the answers I need, I’m stopped by this anxiety; this crushing apprehension of being hugely disappointed has kept me from finding out about my real parents. This crushing anxiety of the unknown. The crushing anxiety of the possibility that my Father was a real piece of shit. That this image I created of him in my head is nothing more than a fantasy. Fuck that he was responsible for my Mother’s death. I mean, my Aunt alluded to such. Or at least I think she did. I was always terrible at reading women..

I’m not going to sit here and lie and try and convince myself that this whole family ordeal hasn’t taken a toll on me. It obviously has. Look at my career trajectory before Joe spilled the beans. Look what happened to my career after. Look at my post-FIGHT record. No matter how tough and gangsta a face I put on, I’m barely keeping it together under the surface. And I have no one I can really talk to. My therapist can only do so much without still being a stranger I pay to listen to. And I know I should be going to Michelle to talk about this kind of stuff.. But I don’t want her thinking less of me. I’m supposed to be her rock..

There was one person in my life I could go speak with. Without the judgments. I could be completely and utterly honest myself. But I hadn’t seen her in what seemed like forever. See I met her through this chick who started off as a colleague but turned into a dope ass friend. I actually was trying to bang them at one point. Well, both of them. At least in my head I tried. I rather not go into the circumstances in which these fantasies occured. Oddly enough they’re also mother and daughter. Hmm..

Anyway..

It’d been a minute since I’d been in Bent Fork. Had to be pre-FIGHT, pre-meltdown, pre-kids. That seems like so long ago. But here I found myself, lost in the boonies of Bent Fork. The very last place you want to be lost in when you’re a dood with beautiful hair like me. I’m not trying to squeal like a piggy today.. You’d think I would’ve remembered the compound made of trailers where the woman who in such a short time has become a Mother of sorts to me lives. Or the closest thing I have to one.

“If this lady means so much to you, how come you don’t know where she lives?” I look over at my daughter, Madison, who sits shotgun looking annoyed. Like she can read my mind.

“I’ve only been here a couple of times,” I reply. No need to tell her never sober.

“Why don’t you call Auntie Vee and ask her for the address?”

“Auntie Vee is uh.. Out of the country. And you know that bit.. You know she’s cheap. She ain’t paying for international roaming,” I say. Also I don't need to tell her that Auntie Vee thinks I still want to bang her Mom and has been adamant about me visiting without her. Like bruh, I got a little more respect than that. Plus, Buck is always strapped. “Here it is, The Ponderosa Trailer Estates.”

I pull into the trailer park, momentarily being back to the last time I was here. How crazy life has fucked with me since then. I drive us through the trailer park, heading to the back, passing rows and rows of trailers that have seen better days. Passed people who have seen better days. I swear I haven’t seen so many Confederate and Trump flags in my life. I look over at Madison, realizing this poor girl has never been in the Bible Belt before. I better school her quick.

“Alright so uh.. I’m not entirely sure if you’ve ever been around Southerners before. Like I know you’ve been to Disney World and Miami, but that’s not the real South. These Southern folks ‘round these parts are a little bit different. They talk funny. So if you don’t understand what they’re saying, just smile and nod. Also, never take anything to eat from them unless you ask specifically what it is. They’ll try and trick you with slang. Unless you’re prepared to eat squirrels or possums.”

“Dad, have you met Mom’s family?”

“True,” I reply, looking up to see the top of the compound peeking above the treeline. We round a corner and the compound comes into full view. Trailers stacked on top of trailers on top of trailers. All painted different colors with metal staircases connecting each level. On some baller hillbilly shit. “There it is?”

“Really? Wow.. That’s so awesome,” she says as she snaps some pictures with her phone. I pull up put the car in park. “Ready?”

“Yeah let’s go.”

I took one last look at myself in the rearview mirror, Gawd I’m beautiful before stepping out of the car and closing the door behind me. I walk around to the front of the car and grab Madison’s hand, leading her up to the Main House. I stop at the screen door, looking over at Madison who smiles at me excitedly. I can’t help but to smile as I knock on the door.

“Come in!” I hear from inside. I open the screen door, stepping in with Madison. Gawd I hope Buck’s not naked. I look over to see Buck lounging in a pool in the middle of what I suppose is the living room of the double wide trailer. “Well I’ll be.”

“Buck, how you been?” I say, walking to the edge of the pool and sticking out my hand. Buck grabs it, shaking it.

“Been fine I ‘reckon. So this here is your daughter? Ain’t she as pretty as a peach.”

“Yeah this is Madison. Madison, this is Auntie Vee’s Dad Buck.”

“Hi Buck,” she says

“Want anything to drink? Wanna beer?” Buck asks. I look down at the Busch Light in his hand.

“Nah I’m good,” I say as I look over at Madison who shakes her head no. “Thank you though. I see you’ve added onto the compound.”

“With the family getting bigger, reckon we needed the space.”

“I heard that. Seems like my family keeps growing too.”

“I heard, Beulah told me. Congratulations.”

“Thanks. And Beulah, is she around?”

“Yeah, she’s changing the sheets in the guest houses. Getting them ready for a visit,” he says as he stands up, revealing a pair of jean shorts.

“Nice trunks,” I say as Madison snickers behind me. Buck shakes his head as he climbs out of the pool.

“This is what a real man wears. Not like them sissy little panties you wear,” he says as Madison laughs. I look down at her as she shrugs with that it do be facts tho look. “Come on, I’ll get her for you.”

“Lead the way,” I say as he pushes open the screen door, leading us back outside.

“Beulah!” He hollers. I could’ve done that.

“Yeah?” I hear from above us almost instantly. Guess Buck got it like that.

“We’ve got company!”

“I’ll be right down!”

“Alright!” He screams before turning to look at us. “She’ll be right down.”

“Thanks Buck,” I say as he nods and walks back into the Main House, probably to soak his bones.

“Is that you, Paul?” Beulah says as she comes down the stairs. “Oh come gimme some sugar.”

“Beulah,” I say as I reach her, pulling her in for a big hug.

“And this beautiful thing must be Madison,” Beulah says as Madison stands sheepishly to the side.

“Yes it is. Madison, this is Auntie Vee’s Mom, Beulah.”

“Hi,” Madison says.

“Hello Madison,” Beulah replies. “You are so precious.”

“Thanks to me,” I say as Madison rolls her eyes.

“Have you seen the koi pond?” Beulah asks as Madison shakes her head. She leads over to what used to be an inground pool that’s been converted into some zen, koi pond shit. She pulls out a bag. “You mind feeding them for me while I talk to your Daddy?”

“Sure,” she replies as she takes the bag from Beulah. Beulah smiles and turns to me, leading me by the arm over to a bench where we sit down.

“So how have you been? How are you feeling?” I ask.

“Just counting my blessings. I’ve been busy as a cat on a hot tin roof. How about you sweetie?”

“You uh.. I’ve been good,” I say, trying to sound confident. “Just dealing with life stuff.”

“Mhm, I see,” she says, eyeing me up. There’s an awkward silence as I look over at Madison taking pictures of the fish, happy as can be. “Well if you won’t bring it up I will. So what did you find out about your parents?”

“Oh uh.. Yeah about that..”

“I thought the last time we talked you said you were going to finally go on that Google Machine and find out.”

“Yeah I know..’

“Really dragging this out, huh?”

“I just.. Can’t. I’ve tried. Many times. But I freeze up every single time. Completely unable to hit enter. Which is why I’m here. I was wondering if uh..”

“Michelle.”

“What?”

“You need to ask Michelle, not me.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

“Oh bless your heart. You’re a pretty thing at least,” she says as she laughs. “Reckon Michelle’d be madder than a wet hen if she knew you were here asking me to help you with your parents instead of her. Paul, honey, that sweet girl is going to be your wife. She needs to be the one that you go to. Not me, not anyone. Her.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same. I can’t go to Michelle and be so.. Vulnerable. I’m her man, her protector. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I can’t.. I don’t want her seeing the weak side of me. The sad side.. She’s dealt with enough emo men in her life, I don’t want to be another one of them.”

“You think Michelle hasn’t figured you out by now? How sensitive you really are? Think she hasn’t figured out why you’ve dragged this out longer than you should have?” I have no answer, I just shrug. “Buck was just like you. Hardheaded and stubborn, never one to ask for help. Especially not me. Him being such a man’s man and all. Until his colonoscopy. I ain’t never seen that man so.. Vulnerable. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me hot in certain places. You understand sugar?”


“I think so. I should get a colonoscopy, that will Michelle will get hotter for me.”

“Paul, you can’t be serious.”

“I’m joking,” I say as I give her a hug. Michelle and I have been through a lot, as friends, best friends, lovers and now soon-to-be married. I’m dumb to think she’d leave me if I let her in fully. Who else is she going to find that’s doper than me? “Thanks.”

“Of course. You know Michelle already knows who your parents are,” she says as I stand up. I shrug as I pull out my phone and nervously stare at it.

“Siri call My Queen,” bruh Michelle probably does already know who my parents are. That sneaky.. “Hey Michelle. Uh.. I need a favor.. Oh shit, you’d do that? Well fuck, lemme get two favors.. Can you uh.. Find out who my parents are? Of course you did..”

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