'The Comedian' Allen Chaney SE2Premiere: The Catchphrase

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
The REAL Season 2 Premiere
'The Catchphrase'

So what the fuck was going on with Allen Chaney?

He wasn’t saying.

Maybe someone would figure it out.

That was fine.

It’s still not something he wanted to talk about. He wasn’t even entirely sure why that was the case.

Maybe folks would notice he was no longer frequenting the Velvet Rabbit, racking up astronomical bar tabs.

Maybe folks would have their theories after the now-infamous set he did in NYC. He was too drunk to form words so he did a bump of coke before heading out to try and get some energy and his mind right. The audience kept sending him up drinks as he got drunker and angrier and making a bigger scene and the drinks kept coming because at that point no one was here to see comedy anymore.

They were there to contribute to the spectacle of a man breaking himself.

The theory going around about his hospital visit a couple weeks later was that he had hurt himself.

Intentionally.

Allen’s mental health being called into question THAT much was a little disheartening. Why couldn’t he tell anyone else? He had laid so much of his faults and insecurities bare for the world. Why couldn’t he just clear everything up? What he was doing wasn’t BAD?

But here’s the thing.

He felt like he needed to be doing it for the right reasons.

He didn’t want anyone’s pity or their ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ or for anyone for a second to treat him differently.

Johnny Maverick kicked alcohol, coke, heroin…dude doesn’t even drink caffeinated coffee anymore. So he was who Allen called in early June. Johnny owned a big warehouse in DC where he lived and also ran it as a training school. Allen moved in for accountability. Johnny offered him trainees to throw around. That took his mind off things.

After the first 24 hours Allen went for a bit of a jog. He felt good. He felt like he had this under control.

He made it ten more steps from that point before he had to stop and evacuate the contents of his stomach from his mouth onto the pavement.

No more Whiskey.

No more Gin.

…No more, Vhodka,  L  O  L.

The hospital visit it turns out was because Allen’s alcohol withdrawal was bad enough that he had a seizure.

You would think it would be easy after a seizure but for all the Hell that the DT’s were, anyone who gets through them has entered into a more subtle Hell, especially if they have any degree of diagnosed social anxiety.

He’d go out and tell himself he’d be content to sip on a ginger ale and just hang out. Then people would talk to him. People he LIKED. No matter how much he liked them he couldn’t escape the invasive thought of ‘Boy howdy, a few Jack and Cokes would go a long way to making me not want to tear off all of my own skin to escape this conversation right now’.

When you want everyone to be looking at you and notice you it feels like you’re invisible. When you want to be alone and not be seen it feels like every eye in the world is on you and you know there’s a magical potion that can make it all go away and you can literally have it at any time. That’s the less outwardly obvious Hell that lays beyond the sweating and hallucination.

He asked Johnny if it would ever go away.

And Johnny promised Allen he would be honest with him about everything.

Johnny didn’t have to say anything more than a sigh.

Then Allen knew.

He could go a decade without even glancing at a beer and a piece of him would always be in that Hell.

Occasionally now Allen will think about that and it will briefly feel like the floor under him disappeared for a split second. A barely perceptible moment of freefall.

There is an incredibly small amount of time between when you pull the ripcord for a parachute and when the parachute actually launches. Now Allen gets to feel that at least once a day.

So yeah. I guess that catches us up.

“The thing is, if I don’t have sobriety I don’t have anything.”

-Matthew Perry

DIRECTOR: My vision is we do a show that really highlights all the characters we’ve come to love from the first season. Develop them further. Of course that includes YOU, Mr. Chaney.

ALLEN CHANEY: Okay, yeah. That makes sense.

DIRECTOR: We had something in mind for the opening as well.

ALLEN CHANEY: Is it derivative and like, REALLY unoriginal?

DIRECTOR: 100%

ALLEN CHANEY: Perfect.

Suddenly we cut to the opening and hear the song ‘I’ll Be There For You’ by The Rembrandt’s which you should be familiar with if you’ve ever watched a popular 90’s show about a group of all of the worst people who ever lived.

Especially Ross.

‘So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke
Your love life's DOA’

Shots of Allen playing around in a fountain are intercut with old PWE footage. Stuff like Allen mediating a meeting between Ollie and Bill and that hot French broad getting attacked.

‘It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year, but’

Now we see Allen running out of breath while playing in the fountain by himself and needing a break, this time paired with the old footage of him playing Battleship with Vhodka Black. Damian Ayla does something so uninteresting I’m not even bothering to describe it. La Andalucera beats Holly Rhodes.

'I'll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)'

One final shot of Allen collapsing on a couch in front of the fountain before we cut to the site of a coffee shop. Central P(W)Erk.

They can’t all be zingers.

People are seated in the camera-facing couch and chairs in the Coffee Shop set. Allen enters through the front door and the pre-recorded studio audience applauds as Allen approaches the couch.

ALLEN CHANEY: Man oh man, I know we’ve had our issues in the past but it sure is great to see you all after all this ti-.

Allen stops in his tracks as he sees everyone seated on the couch. They all look….kinda like the folks from season one. Maybe. If you squint. Allen clears his throat and walks past the couch and off the front of the set, motioning for someone to join him. The Director walks up to him.

ALLEN CHANEY: Who uh… Who the fuck are any of these people?

DIRECTOR: Your friends for this season! We couldn’t quite get everyone back.

ALLEN CHANEY: Is that really supposed to be Vhodka Black?

DIRECTOR: Kinda. We didn’t have time to run anything by LEgal so TECHNICALLY she’s Wiskey White. No ‘H’ in ‘Wiskey’. Clever, right?

ALLEN CHANEY: NO ONE from season one is back for this?

DIRECTOR: Well I mean, a FEW people are back for the wrestling but no one we reached out to wanted to do this….sitcom promo overlong metaphor thing with you. From what I gathered you don’t seem very popular. We kinda thought Pinkston would show up but we think he possibly got high and forgot.

ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah… that tracks, actually.

DIRECTOR: Maybe this season you could be a little nicer to people?

ALLEN CHANEY: I’m…working on it. Any other monumental changes to my script I need to be made aware of?

DIRECTOR: We cut all the stuff with your cat. It’s played out and doesn’t read.

Allen blinks.

Twice.

He was making such a dedicated effort to be a better person. To not be so violent all the time. He takes a deep breath.

DIRECTOR: Okay…I can tell you didn’t take that well. We can leave it in, but maybe we cast a less ugly cat?

Boot to the chest.

Gutwrench Powerbomb through the coffee table on set. The fake PWE cast scatters and Allen Chaney does his best Chandler Bing impression.

ALLEN CHANEY: Could you BE any more through a table?

Allen takes a deep breath, happy with his handiwork, turning to face the camera and ignoring the crew behind him picking up the broken body of the Director. They’re really just doing a piss-poor job keeping his head, neck, and spine stable and level at ALL. Allen liked to think that the crew were secretly doing it on purpose because he talked shit about Bill. Anyone who didn’t like Bill deserved a quick test of their spinal fluid functionality. Allen takes a moment to try and remember if he had a catchphrase he started promos with. He remembered the ‘Setup. Punchline.’ thing he does at the end, obviously but it had been so long now and so much was different about his brain chemistry in general now. Maybe he could take a crack at creating a new starting catchphrase.

ALLEN CHANEY: Welcome back, Taintlickers.

Okay DEFINITELY not that.

ALLEN CHANEY: So I’ve been away for a while. It’s really given me a lot of time to reflect and man, reflecting really sucks sometimes. Like, it’s necessary but the whole time you’re doing it you could be playing video games or jerking off but even then post-nut reflection is typically an even HEAVIER reflection because nothing leaves you feeling more alone and when you’re alone and the nuisance of jizz-relief has been shooed away all you have are your thoughts. My most invasive thought lately is the fact that I probably don’t belong here.

Allen makes a mental note to maybe not talk about masturbating so much, lest Louis CK comparisons be made. Not that he’d ever do that shit.

Man, fuck that ginger dick.

ALLEN CHANEY: Anyone who takes a look at me in my street clothes will guess I was probably supposed to be a forklift operator or a deli clerk or some shit. I’m a community college dropout and every day that I don’t wake up as a Janitor probably spits in the eye of whatever dumbfuck Deity is in charge of all this. See, I don’t use the name ‘The Comedian’ JUST because I do standup. Honestly that’s a little too on the nose, right? Nah. I use it because the fact that I’m kinda succeeding in the wrestling industry is fucking hilarious.

Allen actually sort of chuckles and smiles to himself.

ALLEN CHANEY: I guess we have to address that ‘Kinda’ because of my brief tryst with FIGHT! NYC where I worked two shows. Lost a match. Won another. My heart just absolutely was not in it. I was looking for a rebound after PWE broke my heart and the moment PWE announced it was coming back I tried to be diplomatic but I knew I was probably gone from FIGHT as soon as that happened. I briefly considered finding a spot in another company but ultimately decided against it. PWE is my home. I want to be the PWE guy. I want to hold the Excellence Championship up for every other company to see and invite them to talk all the shit they want then confront them on backing it up and watch them shrink like a bare dick in a blizzard.

Have fun with that visual.

ALLEN CHANEY: But what about the last person that was supposed to be flying the flag for this company? Vhodka Black assured all of us that her winning the title was the turning point for this company and that she was here to elevate this company and hey! I wonder how that fucking turned out! Don’t get it twisted. I don’t hate Vhodka. In fact, I consider Vhodka to be a pretty good friend but I think friends should call out friends when they lie. All that shit I talked about outsiders coming here and you pierced through it and actually made me believe the hype. You made me believe in you, Vhodka. In an era of my life when I promised myself I wouldn’t get my hopes up when it comes to other people because I always end up disappointed, you made me believe someone else believed in Pro Wrestling Excellence as much as I did.

Allen sighs and sucks his teeth a little.

ALLEN CHANEY: And now I’m just so god damn disappointed, again. Ain’t I a fucking dumbass?

Allen sounds not mad, but disappointed. Real daddy shit.

ALLEN CHANEY: So now the ball has been dropped and our Quarterback has apparently just fucked off. I have lied directly to this camera in the past and said that I was content to just show up and collect my paycheck without making too much noise. Fuck that, I want the ball. I’ve always wanted the fucking ball but I could never get out of my own way to catch it. And then it happened. I overcame the odds and MADE an opportunity for myself. I wanted to beat Damian Ayla for this championship then that was taken from me. Then I decided I wanted to beat the person who beat Damian Ayla for the Excellence Championship and then THAT was taken away from me.

The disappointment on Allen’s face is real.

ALLEN CHANEY: It took me a little bit to come to terms with this but uh….now I don’t give a fuck who I beat. I will Punchline both my living and dead grandmothers through a flaming table to be Excellence Champion. I’m probably veering away from ‘relatable everyman’ by saying that but fuck it. I don’t give a shit how desperate it sounds. I am willing to bet that I want the Excellence Championship more than anyone else in this match has ever wanted ANYTHING and I will do absolutely ANYTHING to make that real and all I HAVE to do is beat one of three people. After everything I’ve been through, that is all that’s left. So let’s look at what is on my menu.

Allen points over to the ‘Specials’ board of the cafe and the options listed are the names of his opponents.

ALLEN CHANEY: So we’ve got Klayton Kross who I know and two new folks whose names look like people pulled random Scrabble tiles. Cool.

Allen clacks his tongue and whistles to emphasize how definitely very impressed he is by these options.

ALLEN CHANEY: Out of all three of the people I could potentially be facing… only one of them mentioned me by name directly and they’ve never had a match here. A lot of people might get onto that person for not knowing their place but me? I dig that. Kanna, I’m the number one contender and you didn’t tiptoe around my name like so many other people did. That’s what I would have done if I was in your shoes. I approve 100%. That got you in the main event on day one of season two and boy howdy what a statement you would be making if you won the World Title in your first match here.

A pause to let the fantasy build. Now to crush it.

ALLEN CHANEY: That’s absolutely not how this shit is about to go down. I made plenty of mistakes underestimating outsiders like Wraith and I have absolutely learned from those mistakes. Kanna, you seem cool. It’s your debut here and it’d feel bad to send you home empty handed so…well. You mentioned you’d never had one so..

Allen opens up a cooler at his feet and takes out a Choco Taco.

ALLEN CHANEY: I bought up all that was left at my local gas station and I’ve got a whole box of them with your name on it. They taste good and they’ll do wonders for bruises and contusions in the wrapper. You might be good. You might be amazing. But on their best day folks I’d describe as ‘amazing’ have trouble beating me and they didn’t have to fight two people to get to me. Beating Allen Chaney with The Excellence Championship within his reach would be rough. Doing it after fighting two other people? Shit ain’t even quantifiable. We’ve chatted a little bit but I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about me. I don’t want to mislead you. History shows that I am NOT a very nice person and it is EXTREMELY likely that if you get to know me as such I’m eventually going to let you down real bad.

Sounds like he’s speaking from experience there.

ALLEN CHANEY: There is a little something you said that I resent. You claim...that you were born to become a professional wrestler. Well I wasn’t. I’ve got a gut I can’t get rid of that I feel swing when I do dives and occasionally my knees make clicking noises and my doctor just shrugs when I tell him about it. You show up and say that all of this came naturally for you. Not a second of it came naturally for me. You said you only had one path while so many people have others. I was never for a second supposed to be on this path but I FOUGHT to be on it. Every bit of this that has come naturally to you…Let me put it this way. There are molds for weapons, Kanna. They were made to make swords and they’ll make a fairly decent one that looks real nice. Sharpen it up a little bit and it’ll work just fine…but watch what happens when you smash one of those swords against one that was properly forged with a hammer and an anvil. Metal BEATEN and POUNDED into a shape that nature never intended for it until it is ready… put it through a few battles beforehand and quench it in blood. Now watch as that first ‘perfect mold’ blade just shatters against the ugly experienced second. I had to fight for this shit. I walked a path I was told I didn’t belong on. I wasn’t MADE for this. I NEED it. I’m sure you trained real hard…but I’ve left pints of my sweat and blood on wrestling mats all over the world to get to this point. You aren’t fucking stopping me. Come get your taco.

Allen puts the Choco Taco back in the cooler before deciding to move on to a new topic.

ALLEN CHANEY: Everyone talks about me now like I’m the only person to come back from Season one and boy that must really stick in the craw of Klayton Kross who has quite a pedigree of being eliminated by me on the first show, beating Ciela Luiz who… is a person. Then he uh….

The silence is deafening as Allen.exe encounters an error attempting to think of more.

ALLEN CHANEY: So to expand on the initial question I had of ‘Who the fuck are these people?’ in the extended metaphor I opened this up with I have to single out Klayton Kross with a different question… What the fuck are you doing here? Like, I’m not trying to be mean but is it because you do fun backstage stuff with a cat? I do that better. Is it because you’re obsessed with a 90’s song and people find it charming? I do that better. It certainly can’t be because of anything you accomplished in this company because… Jesus Christ I am trying so hard not to be mean right now. I like Klayton. The same way I like Urkel in early seasons of Family Matters. The show completely fucking fell apart when Urkel became the main character. Remember the dynamic of the family? Remember how the name of the show is ‘Family Matters’? In season 8 Steve Urkel invents fucking time travel and the show had officially shit every pair of pants it had available to them. You don’t make Urkel the main character unless you want a closet of shitty pants.

A pause. Hey, another visual for you all to enjoy.

ALLEN CHANEY: If any of you are confused about what I’m even talking about anymore, it’s kind of gotten away from me as well. Maybe you can put in the work and change my perspective, Klay but as it stands? You’re on the same roster as Lewis Chad Pinkston and YOU are our Urkel. That can’t feel good. You know what else doesn’t feel good? The fact that I’ve busted my ass to put food on this company’s table. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that you get to eat. I worked hard so we could all eat and I want everyone in this company to have a plate… but the fact that you suddenly are being offered a seat at the head of the table that I set for all of us? Nah. Fuck that. You make it to me in this gauntlet and I’m gonna send you back to the kids table. Then you can go ask Cher if she believes in Life after a skull-stomping.

Allen tries to think of a good transition to his next potential opponent.

ALLEN CHANEY: Issak Otto’s name is an anagram for ‘Kiss a Toot’. That’s silly and fun, right? Do I not know how to do promos anymore? Am I having a stroke?

Allen makes sure he can’t smell burning toast before moving on.

ALLEN CHANEY: I know it’s probably just me being a pessimist but anytime anyone shows up with this smiley handshakey act I can’t help but raise a doubtful eyebrow. I certainly hope there’s more going on here than this ‘aw shucks’ and ‘golly gee’ shit because if that’s what you are bringing to this match then you are going to get eaten alive. I saw what you had to say on Strategic Assault. Don’t brag about being humble. That’s literally the opposite of humble. Why don’t you go ahead and give yourself a ‘Most Humble’ certificate, Mr. Humility?

Allen has his serious face on before a chuckle breaks it.

ALLEN CHANEY: Nah, I’m fuckin around. Before and after the match I’ll shake your hand and shoot the shit but between the bells? When Obi-Wan says ‘It’s over Anakin, I have the High Ground’ he means the actual physical high ground. The ‘moral’ high ground in competition offers no actual advantage and in fact usually offers the opposite. You can walk out of this arena pleased with yourself that you fought without giving into anger and compromising your morals. I hope that satisfaction keeps you warm at night in the absence of the Excellence Championship. I don’t discount you traveling and fighting all over the world. That’s impressive. But you’ve never fought in MY house. I’ve got a pile of bloody Ribera jackets that used to belong to dudes who thought they could get past me with ‘pure wrestling skill’. I can be nice. I can be your friend. With the Excellence Championship on the line I can also stomp your face into the steel steps or punch you in the nuts. Your limited worldview discounts my reality where I think It’s possible to be both of those guys. Allen Chaney: Friendly Dickpuncher.

A big thumbs up.

ALLEN CHANEY: Six Months ago at Magnificence I became the number one contender. I’ve had six months to pace and stew and let all my piss and vinegar ferment into something potent enough to beat one hell of a Champion…and now all I have to do to get everything I ever wanted is beat one of YOU.

Allen smirks.

ALLEN CHANEY: Setu…

Allen stops himself before delivering his signature catchphrase

ALLEN CHANEY: Alright, no… I’ve been saying that for a long time and it’s about time you all understood why.

Deep breath. Allen actually sits in the Director’s chair.

ALLEN CHANEY: Be wary of anyone who tells you that there is more than one RULE to Stand-Up Comedy. So many corny old fucks will tell you rules like ‘Never wear shorts’ or ‘Don’t work too blue in a red state’ or whatever the fuck. There really is only one ‘Rule’; and everything else should just be considered ‘advice’. If I had any good advice to give it would be ‘Don’t let a club owner pay you in cocaine’ but the ONE ACTUAL Rule of comedy is very simple. You can be clean, you can be dirty, you can be smart, you can be stupid, you can be political, you can tackle issues, you can be apolitical and just talk about farts and your dick but the ONE thing you have to be is fucking FUNNY.

Allen puts SO much emphasis on that word.

ALLEN CHANEY: Anyone who goes on stage with the agenda that their purpose as a comedian is to ‘hold up a mirror to society’ and that they’re some great philosopher is just trying to be Carlin without understanding that Carlin got to be Carlin by being really fucking funny for a very long time. He never set out to be a Philosopher. He certainly never intended to be the guy everyone references when they roll out an hour and a half of unfunny bullshit on Netflix about being ‘canceled’.

Allen rolls his eyes even saying the word ‘canceled’.

ALLEN CHANEY: See, I started out as more of a Steve Martin guy. The way he both lied to you while telling the truth. He did performances that were ABOUT performing and in many ways it was more honest than what anyone else was doing at the time. But what if you took your life and all of your fears and your hopes and your trauma and anxiety and you…

Allen looks around at the sitcom set he was sitting on briefly. The cameras on him.

ALLEN CHANEY: …you contextualize it as a performance. You make yourself a spectacle and then? You begin to resent the world for looking at that spectacle. THEN you contextualize THAT as the performance. Your life becomes buried in ten layers of honesty that has become consumed by irony. You open up about your anxiety and for a moment it feels like everyone understands and then you’re thinking of signing with another company and they say ‘So you’re the guy doing the anxious depressed loser comedian bit, right?’ and it turns out I’ve cast myself as a character again. I want nothing more than to present the most honest version of myself possible to all of you but I can’t help but wonder if by nature honesty is filtered out by the lens of a camera. At what point do you stop being The Comedian and become The Joke?

This is clearly something Allen has thought about a lot, he didn’t even notice he shifted the perspective to himself.

ALLEN CHANEY: So yeah, the one rule is BE FUNNY but there is a structure you can’t escape by design. The structure of the SETUP and PUNCHLINE. It’s not a rule, it's the form and you can fight against the form all you want but at the end of the day everything has to have a beginning and an end. It’s important to learn and understand that structure because between that is where you’re allowed to play. Riffing, crowd work. Bits. Callbacks to other bits. It’s between the Set-Up and the Punchline that all the actual work gets done and where good Comedians become GREAT because… you want to EARN that Punchline.

Metaphors, y’all.

ALLEN CHANEY: You can only skate by being ‘pretty good’ for so long before the world realizes you’re a hack. Don’t get me wrong, I see the value in being the guy who shows up every couple weeks to an Open Mic and vents about his job and shares a joint with some friends in the back and then goes back to their day job. One day you decide you actually want to be good at this so you put in work. You are always writing, always testing new stuff out. If you do that and you’re genuinely funny? You’ll be good. Maybe with a bit of luck you’ll get asked onto a late night show or two and from there people will want to buy tickets to see you. Maybe you’ll destroy a heckler and someone will post it on TikTok and THAT sells tickets. But you don’t….you don’t get to decide that you’re great. You just have to wait til your name is called, step up to the mic, and hope that once the spotlight is on you, you can deliver. It’s kinda stupid to want to be Carlin but I want to be Carlin. I want that spotlight just as much as I am terrified of it. I think I’m a good Comedian. I think I’m a good Wrestler. All of that has been the buildup. And now I finally get to find out if I’m great. I get to see if I earned the Punchline.

Allen kind of smirks a little bit.

ALLEN CHANEY: I get to find out if I am Excellent.

A little chuckle.

ALLEN CHANEY: And that’s what every bit of this has been building up to. So now after all this time you have the context. So I’ll say this tired shit one more time and hope that maybe it’s a little more impactful now that you have all the relevant information…

Set-Up.

Punchline.

“I realized that comedians of the day were operating on jokes and punchlines. The moment you say the punchline, the audience either laughs sincerely or they laugh automatically or they don't laugh. The thing that bothered me was that automatic laugh. I said, that's not real laughter.”

-Steve Martin