Little Earthquakes

I did not have a great week. Coupled with some outstanding personal issues, as well as some professional ones, I kind of…erupted.

“ How so? ”

“ I quit my job on a whim. I told my wife I was going to retire, and leave this business to those who could do it. I threw a pity party and I was the entirety of the guest list. ”

“ Vincent, you have to show yourself some kindness. You’re dealing with a lot of very complicated emotions right now. The kids, the wife, you just had a birthday, you’re attempting to step back into a role you gave up, and finding it harder than ever. These are all very real things. ”

“ you don’t understand. I’m the strong one. That’s my job. Xavier, he’s the fashionista. The good time guy. Kal does the big brother shit, Jack does the money, and…She was the backbone. But I was the tough one. I’m the one you wake up in the dead of night and point at someone and say ‘him.’ and Then I do what I do. And now, I am stuck trying to figure out how to relate to the world around me and it is dragging me down something fierce. And I can’t even see the surface anymore. ”

“ Talk to me about her. ”

“ …I don’t even know where to begin. ”
-x-
“ Allen Chaney, I made a terrible mistake. I gave you advice. Advice I should have given myself. Pick on someone your own size, I said. Well, I suppose if it’s advice not correctly given, it’s at least advice worth taking. For me. You sir, are on a tear that is going to set your name in stone, and while I am very upset that I have been victim to it for a 3rd time, I will go to my grave expressing the legitimacy of your talent. ”

“ But my grave isn’t dug yet, and my boots are not hung up just yet, despite how close the nail was to being hammered. My former career came fast and easy. And here I stand now, having to actually work for it. I guess that’s what comes with stepping out of your comfort zone, and actually trying. Sometimes… ”
-x-

He was six years old. We had signed him up for t-ball, and he spent the entire week hitting balls off one in the backyard. When he got up to bat, he kept hitting the tee. It wasn’t a serious game at all, but he took it that way. Life or death. The third time he hit the tee he threw his bat and ran into the stands to me. He was beside himself. He kept saying ‘but I practiced, I practiced so much.’ I had to look this kid in the face, and wipe away his tears and tell him…

“ Sometimes it’s possible to do everything right and still lose. You can prepare, plan, adjust your thinking and sometimes, even though it’s the best you’ve got at that particular moment, it’s not enough. It doesn’t make sense, and it won’t. Not at first. But the longer you try, the better you’ll get and the only thing quitting does is deny you the chance to get there. ”

I thought of that moment a lot in the past week since my hat trick loss to Chaney. I wished I could be as kind to myself as I am to my son. I wish I could show myself even the slightest amount of care that I show him or my daughters. But truth be told, at the end of the day I am sorry that I quit that family. That I blamed them for him. How I never thought about the damage they had gone through. I told them I knew they had a lot to say, and that I didn’t expect them to hold back. And they didn’t.

Martha Black
“ Why the fuck would I hold back? All I ever did was try to be there for you! And now, now you want to make it all better because of what? some quarter life crisis!? We tried, Vin. We tried to be there for you. But all you ever saw was what you wanted to see. You got hurt one way. We got hurt m- ”

“ Martha! Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. ”

“ Why shouldn’t she dare? Is it going to tarnish a name that’s already made of shit? Let her speak. ”

“ It is not her pain I am trying to stop her from speaking, Vincent. ”

“ …yes it is. ”

That was when the realization hit. They might have seemed closer by perspective. But in reality they were just as distant from each other as they were from me. They hid the truth about a man who had victimized them both, so that each other didn’t think less of a man not worth thinking about at all.

We sat at that kitchen table for hours, and I kept checking my watch. We’d be arguing between the three of us for what seemed like an hour, and then I'd check my watch and it would only be five minutes. My mother was mostly silent, and my sister was doing most of the talking. One beget the other, but I couldn’t tell you which. It was revealing, either way. Martha knew this day would come and was practiced in the way she tore into me. My foster mother, on the other hand, had given up all hope that I’d ever see the truth of the situation, and had written me off because of it.

If I said it was difficult I’d be downplaying it. My foster father, the bastard, was as brilliant as he was insane and terrible. I told you how I had come to the realization that he had hurt us all in such specific ways that we would never be able to trust each other, thus driving us apart from beyond the grave and torturing us in death as he did in life.

-x-
“ Lewis. This was always going to happen. When I went to Knight, and expressed the doubt about my career, The intent was never to not fight you. You can ask her yourself. I gave my notice with every intent on having this match. For two reasons. One, I don’t hate you enough to disrespect you. To walk away from a match and not give you the chance to do what we do, isn’t proper. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had my sights on someone and they just walked away, leaving me with that feeling. You know that feeling. But I’d be damned before I let you get it from me. ”

“ The other reason is that while winning against you might make me feel better, Losing against you can’t possibly make me feel worse. ”

“ I don’t know why it’s important to me. It wasn’t always. I assume it’s because of external issues. The things in my life that are going wrong, that I so desperately need this to go right. Doesn’t make sense to me, either. My life has always been chaotic and difficult. What has changed? Is it the business? Is it the world? Or is it me? Yeah. It’s me. ”

“ I care about things now, Lew. I care about people. When I started this I had no one, I wanted no one. Now I have kids. Plural. I have a wife. Loving. I have businesses that depend upon me being intimidating. And not just this one. I want to believe that these are the reasons I’m so concerned with a win loss record. Truth be told. It isn’t responsibility or image that is pulling at me. It’s fear, lew. And it's not just about being scared. I’m never scared. But in this case; I’m fucking terrified. ”

“ I joke with others about getting lost in the shuffle. Another character for the background of a business built on the best. Just another face that names can’t be put to without a google search. I want to be..I need to be in the upper ranks. Because prior to the businesses and the kids and the wife, this was all I had and it was all I wanted and the idea that I can’t do it twists me like a damp towel. It rings me of all that makes me who and what I am. And who I am is Vincent Black. And what I am is STILL HERE. ”

“ I said it last week, and I almost turned my back on. The most important thing any of us in this business can be. More so that top five, or big dog champion. The most important thing any of us can strive to be is STILL HERE. After the losses, the attacks, the disrespect, and the nightmarish odds that are always never in your favor. Being here, STILL HERE, means you might not make it to the top you always have the opportunity. And that is exactly what you and I have in each other. ”
-x-

Through tactics that none of us had seen, he’d made sure that the level of torture and agony he brought to this family did not die with him, but increased in his absence. I tortured them, they tortured me, but also they tortured each other. None of us deserved the hell we’d been dragged through, and each of us had continued the honor of the dragging in his absence. I knew they were weary of my sudden interest in settling things. So I devised a three step plan. The first one, the apology, went as well as could be expected. The second one was the explanation. I explained to them both about what had happened with my other sister, Sarah. And how all of this had snowballed from good intentions to anger fueled attacks. And how it looked like it was going to start up again. How I’d wanted to shore up the relationships I had neglected in the last few years. They looked doubtful. They looked confused.

And then the doorbell rang.

-x-
“ This business asks a lot of people like us, Lew. It asks that we put effort into our every litle thing in regard to it. But for me, some of it just isn’t worth the effort they expect. Do I wish to be the biggest and baddest champion? Do I want to be the one everyone fears, Like Raven and Warstein? Or do I just want to be in the room? This is the question I asked myself last week, when my hand was on the proverbial doorknob. What is it do I want from this business? And I think I have an answer. ”

“ Before I tell you the answer, let’s be honest, what can it give me that I don’t already have? A family? Got like three. Money? I’ll never need another dime as long as I live at this rate. Friends? Who really wants those? As an adult do you even have time for them? What is it that I’m going to get out of this business, Lew? That’s another question I’ve asked. And yes, I answered that one, too. And it’s the same answer as the first. ”

“ Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. And I could not be happier about it. ”
-x-

They shuffled in nervously, as they often do, and looked the place up and down, left and right. To be fair, the place was old and musty. Wood paneling. A layer of dust covered just about everything higher than my shoulder. Plastic on the furniture. I’ve tried, we’ve tried, the ex and me, to raise our kids in a real version of the world. Big things only for Christmas, birthdays, etc. But even with all of that, this was probably the poorest place they’ve ever been in.

“ Guys, I’d like you to meet your Grandma Bridgette, and your Aunt Marty. Marty, Mom, This is Ciara, Rose, Ripley and the handsome little guy is Call. Mom, Meet your grandkids. ”

“ …oh m-...they’re beautiful, Vincent. Come, come sit.I’ll get some snacks. ”

“ My wife stopped to get some food, so…wait where is she? ”

My son points to the car outside, and I can see her trying to gather the rest of the food she’s brought. I’d like to say I’m shocked no one helped her, but kids are kids, afterall. So I went to help. She tells me she would have been here sooner but she had to stop at all of these different places because someone wanted a bit from all of them. I let her allude that it was one of the kids but I know it was actually her. As we’re about to head inside, Marty came out and told me she needed to talk to me alone. Alone. Which is how we’ve been for years. Even when we’ve been in the same room, surrounded by others, We have always been alone. In our own heads and in our own misery. I was hoping to ease both of ours. But things don’t always go the way we want them to. Do they?

“ I don’t know what you think you’re doing. Where this newly found softness comes from, and she may fall for the parade of kid bullshit, but you aren’t going to win. You’ve ignored us, you attacked dad, you turned your hate us, do you have any idea how much shit you’ve put us through? ”

“ Nothing compared to what I’ll do if you don’t back me up. ”

The look in her eyes, how it changed from this rage to the utter and complete realization that she was right. That I was a monster. I was his monster. And while my motivations were kinder, softer. My tactics were not.

“ I will not allow you to ruin this for me, Marty. She needs it. You need it. I need it. We’ve been at war for so long, we barely know how to be in the same room and not expect a fight. If we were hitmen there would be a level of trust we could achieve. We could check our weapons at the door. But our weapons are us. Our Cynicism toward each other and our hatred of one another. And there’s no leaving those at any door. The relationship we’ve built has weighed on me, Marty. And I’ve grown tired of the feeling. So what we are going to do is we’re going to give that woman the peace she has never had in life. We’re going to be a family. We’re going to get together on holidays and weekends, and we’re going to plan family vacations. We’re going to move you and her to the compound. And you’ll have your own homes. With an acre between you. I’ll even set you up with whatever business you wish to run, and I’ll make it a success for you. I will take all the energy I’ve had in making her life terrible and I will channel it into making it absolutely perfect for both of you. If you’ll help me. ”

“ …and if I don’t? ”

I smiled and put my hand on her shoulder, softening my voice so she knew what I was about to say would come from the bottom of my love filled heart.


-x-
“ My job in this business is not to be the biggest and the baddest in the room. I don’t even have to be in the room. I could be in an adjacent room. I could be in the room prior to the room itself. Not the waiting room, but in a room where I am waiting to get into the waiting room. That is all I want from this business. Because that is why I got into this business. Not to be held aloft on the shoulders of others or respect as the end all be all. That’s my brother. I got into this because some faces need fucking punching I was the one who wanted to be the one to do it. And Lew. I think you know that your face is definitely one of them that needs it the most. ”

“ You seem to exist in every corner of my life, Lew. Everywhere I’ve gone, there you are. Hanging around at Fight, At social gatherings, weddings, funerals. And for all of that, we’ve rarely interacted. It’s not because the site of you makes me want to bathe or the sound of your voice makes me wish I'd been born centuries before or after you. It’s because you don’t need me. Not the way others do. Some people need a man like me to come along, and check their credit, so to speak. But you. You’ve had yours checked by life, haven’t you? I’m told you’re incredibly intelligent. Of course the people who told me that were as smart as a minute is long, so I can’t speak of its accuracy. If true though, you’ve joined this carnival of rejects not out of some need like the rest of us. But Out Of Want. ”

“ You could have been anything, Lewis. You could have been a space doctor, or maybe even an animal one, if you didn’t want to actually try. Instead here you are, calling yourself the most marketable man in wrestling. Yes, for purposes of recruitment. ‘Look, if he can do it so can you!’ says the poster with your face on it. Underestimated and dismissed, which I’ve heard you piss and moan about being, are your bread and butter. Which would be insulting to others, but I get the idea that you want to be seen that way. ”

“ Wanting things in this business is bad, Lew. Behind not being formally trained, it’s probably the worst thing one can do. Wanting things doesn’t just paint a target on you, but on the things you want. Covet that world title and you’ll be sure everyone will do their best to keep you from it. Covet a person and people will line up to get there before you. That’s how this business works. The fighting we do isn’t just in the ring. It’s every breath we take. And you look like you have asthma. ”

“ You know what I want from this business, Lew? I want a fight. And yes, The rumors of my conniption fit have been greatly exaggerated I am sure, but I was as close to leaving this business as you were to getting regular sized teeth or a wife who isn’t bat.shit.crazy. I forgot what I came here for. I said it last week but for some reason I forgot what it meant. I am still here, Lew. I have been beaten and broken, sometimes by my own family, but I’m still here. Not because I want to be. Because I need to be. I need this business to keep me from doing something that Brandon Moore would video tape himself doing. I need to do this or else I might just start having threesomes all the time to keep myself as close to sane as I can be. This isn’t my job, or my career we’re talking about. We’re talking about my calling. And I refuse to stop answering. ”

“ Let me tell you a story, Lew. When I was a kid I really wanted to be a marine biologist. Because for whatever reason I thought that was one of the three jobs available to all people. I liked fish. I liked being in the water. Why not. Problem is, i had several learning disabilities and no one to give a fuck about any of them. I did not make good grades and the lovely ‘teachers’ at the school I went to were very quick to point this out to the other children. Nothing in this world is as mean as a small child with sight on the lapse in your armor. This was the begining of it all. I would go home and I’d be angry, and hurt. And that…piece of shit would use it to teach me how to hurt people. Say what you want about him being a bad father, but he was a very good teacher. ”

“ I put myself through hell to get here. As a child. As an adult. I have done things that drug cartels from mexico would look away from. And I’m not proud of it. Well, not all of it. Some of it was fun, If I’m being honest. And I am. I don’t want to be your enemy. I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be a part of your story. Good. Bad. Or somewhere in between. When they look at the career of the space doctor LCP, I want them to remember who I am. I want them to look at your face, and I want them to see what I’ve done to it. What I did with it. But no worries, Lew. Nothing in this business is more marketable than a fucked up jaw. ”

“ Unless it’s mental illness. Yeah, that’s way more marketable when you think about it. Besides the hatred of cold arenas it's probably the one thing we all have in common. Look at the cast of characters we know just between the two of us. How many absolutely gorgeous people do we both know who have, for some reason, chosen this rather than acting, or music, or something where their looks won’t be downgraded daily? James Raven, if he could act, would be one of the biggest faces in hollywood. And I don’t mean that because he has a large head. What about Dickie Watson who is fucking beautiful! Not just good looking. Beautiful. They had the world in the palms of their well manicured hands and yet they still chose to throw graps for cash. Because they didn’t have other options? The hell they didn’t. They chose this business for the same reason we need. need. ”

“ Thing is, this business wasn’t made for them, Lew. it was made for us. The outcasts. The rejects. The ugly fucks who are just odd looking enough to be somewhat attractive. I was just as lanky as you until I started lifting weights. I was just as ugly as you un…ok. Maybe not. But you get my point. Guys like Raven are going to get their perfect cheeks caved in one day and lose all sight of what they wanted from all of this. Guys like you and me are just going to get better scars that distract from the size of our noses. ”

“ The size of my nose, albeit an interesting subject, is not what I want to talk about. What I would like to talk about is what I call ‘the little earthquakes’ way of living. I have rage issues, Lew. I always have. They’ve gotten better, as says my arrest record. But I do not handle small announces well. I handle larger ones far worse. It was a long and difficult road to curb this behavior, but I’ve done so by allowing myself to have ‘small earthquakes’ when needed. Someone slow walks ahead of me, meandering around a store like they aren’t there for an actual reason, 2.5. Someone cuts me off in traffic, 5.4. Slightly less if they used a signal. Sometimes, Lew…I don’t get a chance to let the little ones out. And sometimes, they all come out at once. ”

“ the slow walkers, the bad drivers, the close talkers who chew while they speak, the telemarketers, the small talkers who want to talk about the weather, the idiots who can’t make a right turn without coming to a complete stop, the people who insist on talking on speaker phone in public, and the comedians who for whatever reason just seem to have your fucking number, all come out at once. Lew. I’m going to be honest. I’m used to being at a 6.1 most days. This week I’m looking at 7 or higher. Not because of anything anyone did, or the fact that I’m facing you, but because of who I’ve tried to be. I told myself that I needed to adjust myself to fit in this business. And I was wrong. ”

“ This business does not require another sad sack who only cares about his feelings. This business needs me. The me that took it by storm. And if no one gets it, and all I do is stand in one spot and fight everyone, then I may not prove that I’m the best the world has ever seen, or the greatest fighter to ever lace them up. But I will prove that no matter what happens, or what anyone says about me…I am STILL HERE. And I ain’t going anywhere.”
-x-

She looked into my eyes and as I got as close to her as I have ever been, she started to slow her breathing like one does when they are scared, or in this case, terrified. I leaned forward and put my mouth right up against her ear and told her the truth of the matter, and I did not mince words. I save my mincing for people, said Brandon Moore in my head just then.

“ I will burn everything you’ve ever loved or even liked. I will track down whats his name, the one with the odd chin, your first love, and I will tear him piece by piece, and instead of the gifts and money I would have given you for christmas, you will get his thumbs, or his fucking weird chin. I will do every terrible thing you’ve ever woken up from in a cold sweat and I will do them twice. I have lived my rageful life by expressing my anger one small earthquake at a time. You will feel the earth fucking shake, Marty. If you dare reject my love…and you will find out exactly what my hate really looks like. Now come on, let’s go have some lunch. ”