Don't Stop Me Now.

Failure.



That’s all I felt after the match on Monday. I felt it wash over me and it hurt. I stood in the ring after Victory went off the air, and there were people applauding. People were happy for me, proud of me, and I felt like such a loser. A match in front of my hometown and I blew it. I needed to be on my game, and I wasn’t. I needed to be at my best, and I wasn’t, and although I thought I was handling the pressure well, I was never really comfortable out there. And no, that’s not an excuse for not coming through. But even standing in the ring before the match began it felt off. And then, standing in the ring when it was over, I felt the cheers and applause, more than I heard it. And it was at that moment that I began to have this feeling that I had done a good job. That I had earned a lot of people’s respect. This was the very first time I was ever in front of my family and closest friends, and people I knew. They came to this show, because of me. And while I didn’t win, they were standing and cheering. And then something incredible happened.



“Thank you Holly”



There was a chant. It started small, and then it grew. It became loud and clear. The people were with me, and they were with me no matter what. And that, was an amazing feeling. I stood in the ring, hands on my hips, catching my breath and that chant took it all away, and it almost made me cry. I raised my hand and the chant just turned into a cheer. I left the ring and there, right there, were people with their arms outstretched, trying to give me a high five, some wanting selfies and other autographs. People I knew, people who never said two words to me, were now fans. And that felt great.



I left the ring, waving to fans I had made and it felt great. Despite everything, I felt much better than I did when the day started. Funny how that works sometimes.



I took the opportunity. Maybe it was milking it, but was worth it to me. I was very proud of myself and I felt I had earned it. But really, all I had earned was a chance to continue the next time I was out there. I earned the opportunity to just come back and do it again. But it was a start. Rich would always tell me, you can’t have growth, without having to earn it. If everything is handed to you, you don’t actually know what it’s like to really earn something.



As the adrenaline wore off, I was feeling it, and I felt I was earning it.





- - -



It was one of the rare opportunities I got after this show. There was no plane to catch, no hotel to stay in, just my own bed, and that felt fantastic.



I woke up the next day to many supportive texts from friends, all congratulating me on what I had done, even though I lost the match. And after just a day to actually rest, I was already back at it, training for the next thing that was going to come my way. I usually took a couple of days off, but I understood, for really one of the first times, that failure breeds success. You can win everything first time, and then you begin to think it will always be that easy. But this, this was a loss and for that reason alone, I was back training, once again putting in the work.



Even when Rich came to visit he could see it.



“Looks like something clicked kiddo.”



“It did.” I said with a proud smile. “I have to work even harder now.”



“So long as you know that, and you keep trying to get better.”



“I know. I think I’ve built a pretty good foundation now, the people at Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE see something, otherwise they wouldn’t give me the opportunity to do what I’ve been doing. I think I’m just catching on to what they see.”



“We all see it, kiddo. You may have been the last one to truly see it, but you see it now, right?”



“Yes, I do.”



I continued to work. I began to push myself to the point of almost muscle failure. Every muscle, bone, and tendon was worked to the point that my arms and legs were jelly throughout the week. I felt awful after most workouts, and every single day, it was a fight not to hit the snooze button, but that is what you do, when you’re content, and I wasn’t content.



I started another morning run, and this one was different. I was running, much like I did, but this time, people were joining me. People were running with me. People were greeting me, and telling me I inspired them to get up and do something. It was like I was Forrest Gump or something. I got company, and everyone wanted to run 2-3 miles with me every day. Sometimes there were more, sometimes less, but the fact that people were thinking of me and doing things, was amazing.



I still think about how I was, and in many ways I still am in their shoes. I am always inspired by Roxi, Mimi, and Lizzie. They keep doing their best and I was here to do mine. It’s a full circle thing I guess. People in Pittsburgh were looking at me, the same way I looked at them. I never imagined that it would work out this way, but it did.



- - -



Rich and I went into video study, and the last match and he saw my nerves. He could always see right through me.



“You were wrestling not to screw up, and you screwed up.”



“I know.” I said almost hanging my head. “But the feeling was so cool.”



“That’s good kiddo. It is. And I’m glad you got to experience that. And, it’s more important that you learned from it.”



“I did. I know that it was one match, and I kinda fell down. But I also know that now, I have a chance to do even better than I did here. A chance every single day.”



Rich smiled and rubbed my shoulder.



“And then kiddo, there’s no stopping you.”





- - -



Let’s get to work.



- - -



Holly:

I said it to myself, and I will say it to everyone. I make no excuses for what happened two weeks ago. I lost and I took it really hard. A match like that was supposed to be something that I absolutely should have shined in, but at the end of the day, I didn’t get my hand raised and it bothers me. It pains me to say it, and really, La Andalucera has every right to celebrate. I mean, I remember my first beer too. I remember my first win too. It came in my first match, not my 4th. And that feeling was pretty spectacular, so I don’t blame her for pimping it as much as she possibly could, but one win does not mean you are ready for anything. So, I’m just going to sit back and see exactly what she does. Because if it’s anything less than winning some kind of championship, or going on some crazy win streak, this is a whole lot of sizzle and no damn steak. I know good and well that one win means a lot, but it’s still one win. I very much would like to get back into the ring with her again, and maybe this time the outcome will be different. But I will be damned if I’m going to let this bring me down to that. I felt sorry for myself for a little bit, but the fact of the matter is, life goes on. And it was not losing matches that made me take a hiatus from wrestling, not at all. I took a hiatus because of things outside the ring and not being who I am. If losing matches was the reason I left, I would have left right after losing the first show here. But I didn’t. I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere. In fact, all this has really does, is fueled me to be better. Because that’s been my goal since I came back. To get better. And I dare say that I have gotten better each and every time I have stepped foot in the ring. I haven’t always won, but I am getting better.



And the thing is, La Andalucera wants to brag about beating me, I’m practically still a rookie. I’ve had a handful of matches, but it wasn’t me that was main eventing with her, it was her getting a main event match, WITH ME. And you know what, she won. And now, we’re on to the next. It’s in the rear view mirror and out of my system. Now, I am focused on this triple threat, and being even better than I was last time out



- - -



Two opponents



- - -



Holly:

I have a tall task ahead of me, despite my actual size, I am, at a disadvantage with two male opponents. It’s just simple biology and physiology that makes this different to start with, but I clearly have two determined opponents. I will address Vincent Black, as he has already addressed me.



I do appreciate the people I have met and have been supportive of me, and I appreciate some of the words Vincent used, and I appreciate that it must be hard to be kind to people when your whole life, all you know if violence. When your whole life is just, a fight. For a lot of us, it is, but for Vincent, obviously it was more of the physical nature, but there is some mental pain he went through as well. In some ways, it’s almost a positive, because you begin to understand the value of the things you earn. I’m not condoning fighting to always get what you want, but there is some degree of fighting if you want to earn your keep. It’s not always a physical, hand to hand type thing, but when you are that person, you appreciate all you have. That is an admirable quality, but in some ways, it makes me sad for Vincent, because when you spend your life with your guard up, you don’t trust people, you instinctively start thinking the world is against you. And really, that’s not an ideal way to go through life.



But we all have to play the hand we’re dealt, and this is how Vincent sees the world. But I cannot judge too harshly, I have seen the ugly in a lot of people as they say one thing and then do another. I’ve seen the phony and the fake, in life, and it got to me. Perhaps if I was like Vincent, I wouldn’t have those issues. But that’s not me either. I’m not one to go around and start picking fights, but if I am pushed, I will fight back. That’s always been how I am, and that’s not going to change. I have just chosen not to go out actively looking for conflict. My goodness when I was 21, I wanted to fight the whole world and be a keyboard warrior like a lot of people are these days. But now, there’s no use in me doing that. I just like to keep it positive. Vincent, on the other hand, has gone the opposite route. Everyone has an agenda, everyone is out to get you, so when you throw the first punch, you assert yourself. You take control of the situation. But a lot of the time, there’s no rhyme or reason to do that. So while it’s nice to hear compliments, and I can sense it’s out of some form of respect, I am under no impression that that means that Vincent isn’t going to try and hurt me. That’s what he knows, and that’s what he’s going to do. But I carry pain, and hurt probably longer than I should, and I have learned that you can’t grow, unless you get hurt. Until you experience pain, you can’t handle it. It becomes muscle memory and you have to learn to use it. And I have had a lot of that recently. So, I am more than prepared to experience even more pain, because you can’t get better if you don’t face adversity, and this is adversity for me.



So while I feel somewhat for what Vincent has had to experience in his life, that will not stop me from beating him and getting where I need to go. I have had more than my fair share of setbacks here, and I have to do what I have to do, to avoid yet another one. I am coming into this match on Victory, not looking to JUST pick up the pieces, but rather to reform those pieces into something whole, and something better than it was before, and if that means I have to take Vincent Black down, so be it.





- - -



The Comedian



- - -



Holly:



I remember that Allen thinks I am boring. I don’t have a lot to offer people. And for the most part, that is very true. I just don’t see it as a bad thing. A lot of people are boring, and that’s alright. I feel like, if he got to know me, he would find out I actually am pretty interesting, I think. But that’s just me. I’m normal. It just sounds like a lot of projection. Allen needs to be funny. He needs to make the jokes and be loud, vulgar and shocking and curse a lot. He has to, to hide his insecurities. I find that loud, boisterous people aren’t really that interesting themselves. I mean, what is Allen really doing in his spare time? What is this big production? Insults of people more famous than he is? A petty attitude towards most people. The big, loud, obnoxious guy? That’s a character from a time that has long since passed. It’s the same type of person who would just be seen as the bully of the movie. But they all share the same characteristics too, just being one-dimensional characters. And it is to hide their crippling insecurities. It must be tough to just have to be a character 24/7. To always have to be loud, and over the top because that’s what people know and come to expect. It must be hard to just be a clown and everyone just waiting for you to say the line. That’s what I see with Allen. He will come out here, and he will say the most outrageous things and be loud and overbearing. Because that’s what he feels he has to be.



Again, I feel like things would be different if he didn’t feel he had to do that. Not everything has to be a hilarious prank, or an epic stunt or some crude joke to act like a cool bad ass. But when that’s all you have, you have to stick with what works, I guess. So, it’s perfectly fine, Allen can be loud, and be crude, and tell me how much I’m boring, or that I suck or whatever he wants. It’s an old saying, the empty truck going over the hill makes the most noise. I don’t have to sit here and crow about how great I am, or how I’m so cool because I’m tall and I’m muscular. I don’t, and I won’t. I believe in myself, and I am much more than people give me credit for. But that’s okay, people like Allen can continue to be who they are, and continue to doubt me. I finally see what I have done and been able to accomplish in a short time, and now people see me as a threat. Allen may not on the outside, but inside he knows this is the truth. It’s not his name on any lists, it’s not his matches that are being looked at good or something to watch. No, those are my matches. And if those matches are what gets me to where I want to go? I’m more than happy to be boring, and vanilla. A lot of people think that way about me, and I’m cool with that. It’s the ones that DON’T draw attention to themselves, that are the ones that you truly have to worry about. The quiet, unassuming ones, right? Isn’t that what they say? Well, I think that fits me to a T.



Now, I’m not saying that Allen isn’t dangerous as well. He is, his style is all about it. His ring style is about inflicting the most damage and using his body as a weapon. Hurting anyone, any way he can possibly do so. I guess I’m right in the middle of a hurt sandwich or something. Allen is big, he tough, and he’s in everybody’s face about it. I know that, I understand that, it doesn’t mean I’m just going to back down or shy away from this match and just hope to survive. That was the old, Holly. The one here before you today, is more than capable of handling what comes my way. I may have been knocked down, but it’s not about how many times you get knocked down, it’s about how many times you get up. I know that’s corny and cliche, but it’s true. And I know Allen is someone who really would love to knock me down, and that’s cool. The question I have, is he ready to knock me down all match long? How long can he go knocking me down? Because I’m going to get up. I promise I’m going to get up. I’m going to be better than I was before, and if this match does anything, it puts my physical toughness to the test.



And it’s a test I plan on passing.



- - -



Wrap it up.



- - -



Holly:



I have learned over these past few months that it’s not that I am not good enough. It is that I am not good enough, YET. And each day is a chance to be better. I don’t have all the answers, I’m not at the top of my game just yet. I have not mastered this craft, YET. But each day, I am getting closer to that. It just takes time. And I have plenty of time left. Plenty of time to use to get myself to be the best version of myself. Hell, it may not even be in the ring. But that is something I plan on being damn good at. So I’m not going to waste the time that I have left, worrying about what other people think about me. I’ve wasted enough time as it is, trying to find answers for questions I don’t need the answer to. Why did I lose two weeks ago? I wasn’t good enough. And now, I take it, I learn from it, and eliminate that, as a weakness. This must be a system now. It must be how it works. I am allowed to be vulnerable and take a dip in that pool of self-pity. But much like with actual swimming, you can’t swim forever, because if you try and swim in the ocean forever, you’re going to drown. And I am not about to drown in self-pity, not this time.



Now is the time that I take more steps forward. I understand now, that true strength is really made from loss. And I experienced loss, a letdown, but a letdown isn’t going to become a meltdown. I’m back up, and my hands are squared up, ready to fight again. I get it, it’s going to be uphill, but I’m built this, to go uphill. I put myself in the position to go uphill, and people may think I’m crazy, or may thing I’m just saying these things to sound like I have set my expectations too high. To them, I say, why can’t it be that high? It’s not impossible that I become not just good, not just very good, but out and out GREAT at this? That is my expectation and that doesn’t come lightly. I have made up my mind that I am going to be BETTER. Each time. Each day.



I have made the choice that every experience is my education. The good, and the bad. And now, I have the chance to figure out where the opportunity lies. I know I will stumble and I will be knocked down, but that’s not going to stop me from continuing to get better. That’s what all this is about. All that has happened, is for a reason. I have suffered a setback, but do you know what a setback really is?



A setup for a comeback.



And I just hope at this point that both Vincent and Allen understand me. Am I the underdog, you damn right, I am. But that hasn’t stopped before, and it won’t stop me now. I will beat both Vincet and Allen in this triple threat match, because I am going to be BETTER. It’s that simple. I’ve said all I need to say about this, and now, it’s time for me to go out there and be exactly who I want to be.



And I will continue to chase that which seems impossible.



Doubt me if you want. But I’m not going to stop.



Victory VI.



I will be better.