Smooth (Sailing) RP #2

Lewis: I’M KING OF THE WORLD!!

Lewis stood on the front of the boat, arms spread wide. Then unintentionally he looked down. On instinct alone Lewis spins around and wraps his arms around the pole at the front of the ship.

Lewis: PHEEEEEEELLLLLYYYYY!

His cries fell on deaf ears. All the action on the boat, no one cared for misfit Lewis. They didn’t notice that he was inches away from certain death.

Lewis: Ok Big LC, no one is coming to save you. They can’t hear you or see you…. What do we do now?

Tentatively Lewis stretches a leg out and tries to feel around for the floor. His leg waves wildly in the air, before his toe finds its mark. He taps it a few times and leans around the pole. Noticing solid ground he lets go of the pole with one hand and reaches for the guardrail. Then like a scared cat avoiding water, or Allen Chaney on an all you can eat buffet, Lewis leaps towards the rail and grabs it with both hands. Pulling himself over the rail and onto the floor.

Lewis: I still got it!

Proud of himself Lewis looks over at the gap between the pole and the railing, noticing now…

Lewis: Two feet?!? I was scared of two feet?

That’s all there was. Lewis wasn’t in any danger, despite what Allen Chaney says, everything was in his head.

Lewis leans over the railing, looking down at the water and brushes himself off. Before turning around and watching all the people galavanting on the deck of the cruise.

Lewis: Hey narrator guy, are you still there?!

Narrator: Unfortunately.

Lewis: Dope. Quick question.

Narrator: I highly doubt anything about you is quick.

Lewis: Whaaa— Nevermind. Can I do that thing again? Like this early?

Narrator: I don’t see why not, let me check the script.

Lewis: Dope.

Lewis leans up against the rail, as the sounds of papers shuffling is heard. A deep sigh from the narrator.

Narrator: Well we still have a lot of things to cover before you get to that point.

Lewis: Like what? We are stuck on a boat in the middle of the damn…..

Before Lewis finishes his sentence, the boat rocks hard, causing Lewis to stumble slightly. He turns and see that the cruise ship is attempting to dock.

Lewis: I don’t think it’s going to fit there…

Narrator: Don’t say it…

Lewis: That’s what Pheely said the first time….

Narrator: I asked you nicely.

Lewis: Fine. That’s what the spandex Allen wears to the ring says every time before he tries to squeeze his moronic ass into them.

Narrator: That’s better I guess.

Lewis: Dope. Anyways, what else is planned?

Narrator: Right, uhhh. Unfortunately it looks like Pheely is about to come around the corner and drag both you and Bho off the boat.

Lewis: That doesn’t sound too bad.

Narrator: She’s feeling rather randy.

Lewis: Again, not seeing the negative.

Narrator: For this guy it is.

Lewis: Don’t you have an off button or something?

Narrator: No, but that’s not the worst part.

Lewis: Okay. So what is then?

Narrator: Oh Agent Davidson and Ernesto are going to follow you, and catch you literally with your pants down.

Frantically Lewis searches the deck and finally gets his first glimpse of Ernesto on the deck above them. Even with a match going on in the middle of the ring, his eyes are locked on Lewis. A small smile from Ernesto as Lewis gives him a half wave. Ernesto points down to the ring, Lewis’ head follows the trajectory and in the back of the crowd is Agent Davidson leaning against a wall. Much like Ernesto, his gaze never leaves Lewis.

Lewis: Narrator guy….where is Pheely and Bho right now?

Narrator: Uhhh her and Bho are currently heading down the hallway on the Starboard side.

Lewis: The what?

Narrator: The right Lewis. They are on the right side of the boat.

Lewis: How do I know which side is right and which side is wrong?!?

Narrator: Just go to the right dipshit!

Lewis: No need to be a dick about it.

Narrator: Just go.

Lewis casually walks towards the wrong hallway.

Narrator: Ahem

Lewis: Right.

Narrator: No your other right.

Stopping for a moment Lewis looks towards both men, giving them both an unassuming nod. Then as if he was shot out of a gun he takes off towards the hallway.

Narrator: Lewis didn’t have time to check if they were following him, and to be honest I couldn’t see.

Lewis leaps over a meal cart that was in the middle of the hallway. Tripping himself but not losing momentum one bit, and is back on his feet in a flash.

Narrator: This looks like moron parkour.

As if on cue a door opens up and Lewis has to avoid a few people and their children. With one foot he plants it on the wall and spins around them in mid air.

Narrator: This kid's life should be in danger more often.

Huffing and puffing Lewis heelies to the room door.

Narrator: Yes, those dumbass shoes with wheels in them.

Whipping the door open Lewis searches the room, finding it empty save for a few condom wrappers.

Narrator: Wait he doesn’t use…

Lewis calmly walks out of the room and checks the number, then his key.

Narrator: Dumbass got the wrong room. How did he open it?

The camera quickly cuts to the broken hinges as Lewis spins around to the door across the hall and inserts the key into the door. The little green light blinks as he opens the door.

Standing there is Ophelia and Bhourbon, both ladies have bags under their arms and are about to drag their suitcases behind them.

Ophelia: Oh good you’re here.

Lewis: Yeah we gotta go….

Bhourbon: Yeah what do you think we are doing?

Lewis: No I mean like now.

Bhourbon: Again…..

Lewis: Love…. Ernesto is here.

Ophelia: Your friend from Mexico? That’s nice. Does he need a ride back to the airport?

This whole time Lewis hasn’t broken his line of sight on the doorway. A few people walk by causing Lewis to jump l, but he continues.

Lewis: Baby I love you, but Ernesto is not a good man.

Ophelia: He seemed like a nice enough….

Lewis: Remember when I was telling you about when I worked with the cartel?

Ophelia: Yeah?

Lewis: Well the old man that gave me a job was his dad. And the guy who did some very unsavory things to people that tried to stop me from doing my job?

Ophelia: That’s…..

Lewis: Yes. And now his dad is dead, and he’s looking for my help again.

Ophelia: Well that’s not going to happen.

Lewis: Right. I agree, but also Agent Davidson is here as well.

Bhourbon: That cop that you’ve gotten away from twice already?

Lewis: Yes, and I’d like to make it a third time before he makes me go help Ernesto again.

A knock on the door from a maid with a cart of towels. The ladies wave her inside, she goes right to work.

Lewis: Okay, we are in the middle of something….

Ophelia: Lewis be nice.

Lewis: Whatever. Anyways. Davidson is going to ask me to do whatever Ernesto wants me to and turn evidence on him.

Bhourbon: Like a Narc.

Lewis: Yes, but I’m not a narc. That’s why I came back to the states. Davidson and I have had many a run in, and he’s been on my ass for years.

Bhourbon: You’re 22…

Lewis: And?

Bhourbon: How can it be years?

Lewis: You know what? We don’t have time for this. Where are my bags?

Lewis looks around the ladies and doesn’t see any of his stuff.

Ophelia: You didn’t pack anything.

Bhourbon: Yeah you said something like. ‘We are going to be on a cruise… I don’t even need a shirt. Sunz out gunz out’, and then you flexed those string beans as arms.

Ophelia: Those sexy string beans.

Bhourbon: I didn’t say they weren’t. Needless to say, your loving wife tossed a few pairs of shorts and underwear in her bag.

Lewis: Nice. Can we go now?

Ophelia: Yes we can go.

The trio make their way towards the door. Lewis cautiously checks down both sides of the hallway, sensing it’s clear he waves the ladies to follow him. When Ernesto pops out at the far end of the hallway. Lewis and the ladies stop and turn around. They don’t make it a few steps before Agent Davidson pops out at the other end.

Lewis: PAUSE!!!

Suddenly everything freezes.

Lewis: Hey Narrator guy….

Narrator: Wait—- how—-

Lewis: Can we just skip this part?

Narrator: You mean the big climax, the case that makes The Italian Job look like it was done with matchbox cars?

Lewis: Yeah.

Narrator: Can we do that?

Lewis: I don’t see why not… It’s my thing.

Narrator: Seems like short changing people who might watch it.

Lewis: Ugh…. Fine… throw a song or something in there.

Narrator: Okay.





Lewis: OH COME ON!!!!

The camera goes all blurry and fades out, but just as quickly fades back in to Lewis, Ophelia and Bhourbon sitting on their couch in Tennessee. A smoky haze covers the room. Lewis sits up as we hear a scratching at the door. Ophelia and Bhourb are passed out nuzzled next to one another. With a shrug Lewis pulls out his lighter and lights up a joint that he pulled from his front pocket.

Lewis: What the fuck is going on out here?

As Lewis opens the door off in the distance Mo is doing some Karate.

Lewis: What a loser.

Disembodied Voice: Nah fam, you’re the loser.

Lewis looks around and doesn’t find the source of the voices

Lewis: Yeah well if I’m such a loser, why you hiding? What are you a bitch?

Disembodied Voice: I’m not hiding, and the only bitch I see is you!

Lewis: Ohhh big talk from a creepy as fuck voice in the dark….

Disembodied Voice: Look down dipshit.

Confused, Lewis looks down and sees Ollie.

Narrator: Although it’s not quite Ollie. Y’all ever seen Star Wars? The end with the force ghosts? Well if you haven’t, what’s wrong with you? Anyways Ollie is a force ghost…. Who can apparently speak English now.

Lewis reaches down and attempts to pick up Ollie, but his arms go right through him.

Ghost Ollie: I’m a figment of your imagination you moron.

Lewis: I knew that. I was just checking.

Ghost Ollie: I bet.

Lewis: Whatever. You’re a ghost cat. What do you know.

Ghost Ollie tries to rub up against Lewis’ leg but phases right though him.

Lewis: SEE!

Ghost Ollie: Mine is on instinct, your’s was out of stupidity.

Lewis: Whatever. Why are you here?

Ghost Ollie: I don’t know. I’m a fucking cat.

Lewis: Right, why do you think you’re here?

Ghost Ollie: I dunno. Probably to talk to you about Allen.

Lewis: Who?

Ghost Ollie: Chaney…. The guy you’re fighting at Annihilation.

Lewis: Yeah Ollie. I knew that. I was subverting expectations. See what he doesn’t quite understand is that I’m not expecting to win. Hell I’ll be surprised if I get a few good licks in.

Ghost Ollie: You cannot think like that.

Lewis: What it’s true. Let’s break it down. No one believes I can win. No one thinks I can win, other than Pheely. I'm still not sold on Bho believing in me yet. Everyone and their mother knows that Allen is going to steam roll right over me.

Ghost Ollie: Who is this? Where is the always confident Lewis?

Lewis: He’s becoming a realist. Maybe this isn’t for me. Maybe the industry has broken me so quickly that I’m not even sure if I want to continue. I’ll go to the ring, catch my beating and call it a career. Over before it began.

Ghost Ollie: Then who would be the homie then?

Lewis: I don’t know Ollie, but I won’t be me.

Ghost Ollie: So just like that? This is how you’re giving up? This is how it all ends?

Lewis: Hahahahahaha!

Grabbing at his sides, Lewis begins and continues to cackle. Coughing as he catches his breath.

Lewis: Fuck no. If Allen thinks he’s going to end me, he needs to think again. I mean seriously, the guy has once AGAIN called me Pinkie-Dick. Like for real man? That’s the same tire me ass, weak as fuck joke you said weeks ago. You know the match you’re still hung up on. Seriously, if you think that I haven’t thought of everything at this point then you’re mistaken.

Lewis takes a drag off of the joint and begins to pace back and forth on the porch.

Lewis: Like get this. This dipshit said I should put my name at the top of the Bitch List. Why? I’m not going to bitch out on this fight. I’m not going to cower like a chump. No, I’m going to show up, acknowledging all the fans there that will be firmly on my side and watch as they continue to hand him things that won’t do a bit of damage to me or my psyche. I’ll reach over to the fans and watch them bathe me with all the tools I need for destruction. For everything I would need to cause great bodily harm. And trust me there’s a lot of body to harm on good ole Allen.

Ghost Ollie: Are you sure the fans don’t want him to win? Like maybe you get a bit of comeuppance?

Lewis: Sure there will be a few brain dead fans that will root for him, but I don’t have to worry about them bringing anything to the match. With their poor, double wide, Busch lite drinking asses all the way up in the cheap seats. No, surely the fans will want me to smash his face in after he brought up children and Ophelia. Maybe if he did just a tiny bit of research, he would’ve known that she can’t have children. The fact that we cannot ever have them is a real sore subject with her. I know that it’s difficult for some people to understand the fact that some people have issues, but damn Allen…. That was fucked up. The fact that the funny man would stoop to such a low place without knowing any of the story is sad and pathetic. Much like everything he’s ever said about me. It’s a horrible attempt at making me feel lesser than him. But my life is great. If I lose, it was expected, but if I win….

Ghost Ollie: Oof.

Lewis: Right. Let that sink in. If I go into this match and deft all the odds, and he comes out looking like a bigger loser than he already is, it honestly says more about him than me. If I lose. I’ll go home. Recover for a day or two and then have many….. and I mean MANY cardio sessions with my wife and her delicious shot of bourbon.

Ghost Ollie: Gross man. I’m a cat but I still have eyes.

Lewis: Whatever. See I don’t see Allen as my rival. I see him as step one. This is my first time in the spotlight. While his bulb is slowly dimming, yes that’s a light joke and a telling of his intelligence, mine is just warming up. So by this time next year, month, week… he will fade away quietly and I’ll still be standing right here without a care in the world. After this is all said and done, it might be Allen Chaney’s night, but soon it will be LCP’s World.

Ghost Ollie: World? Really? Kinda setting the bar a bit high aren’t we?

Lewis: Unlike Allen and the majority of the people in this industry… I set the bar high. It always gives me something to attain. So after I dispatch Allen I’ll be keeping a close eye on that Main Event. Until then. It’s all smooth sailing.

Without warning Ghost Ollie disappears from the porch. Lewis looks around for a moment and sees Mo still out in the distance doing his Karate. Lewis cups his mouth.

Lewis: KNOCK IT OFF MO BEFORE I CUT YOUR PONYTAIL OFF!

Mo stops, looks over to Lewis and drops his head and disappointingly walks off. Proud of himself Lewis flicks the last of the joint into the ashtray and walks back into the house. He takes a seat on the couch as Ophelia cuddles up next to him. Lewis breaks the fourth wall and points to the camera.

Lewis: See her? You ever mention her name again in a derogatory fashion, Lewis Chad Pinkston will be the least of your worries. I guarantee it.

The camera fades to black.