Afraid of what I might become
A curse I've tried to ignore
But still it leaves feeling numb
I wish I could have done more
Letting someone inI hate it.
That feeling. The one where you’re conflicted in your own emotions and mind. You have this idea and drive, a goal in mind and it sits in front of you. Right ahead like a shining light. A beacon of need and want.
You run. You run as fast as your legs can take you. Drawing ever closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. But time stands still. It slows all the way down to a crawl and those fleeted footsteps suddenly become heavy. Like trying to drag yourself through quicksand. Each step is a struggle, your muscles ache and burn as the resistance gets to much. And you can’t help but wonder why.
Why is your own body turning against you and holding you back? Why have your emotions betrayed you?
That’s what emotions are. A betrayal.
I know what I want. I know what I need and I know how badly I want it. I also know what I don’t want. What I don’t need. And for the longest time I have thought I was incapable of letting someone, anyone, see the real me. It never happened with my family. My brother, my sisters. None of them ever saw the soul I kept hidden behind this mask. The weakness that I would hold down. The scared, shivering, hurt little girl that sat on her bedroom floor and nursed her wounds. The one that cried.
I couldn’t cry.
For the longest time, I thought it was a strength, being able to ignore emotion, not feel anything. But, lately? Lately, I see it for what it is. Weakness. So. I tried to cry.
I sat down, I closed my eyes and I remembered.
I remembered things that made me happy, things that make me sad, mad, upset. Things that broke me when I was a child. There was nothing. No tears. I failed. I failed to cry and it made me angry. It made me furious to the point of shaking. This facade has taken over. I can never let anyone in. Ever. No matter how much I try, or want to. Even though one person got close. One person that pushed back when I pushed them away.
See, pushing people away is easy. Most are lazy and don’t stand by you if you give them a shove. It’s just harder if that person pushes back. And even though I have never let him in, let him see that terrified child. He is close enough to see the cracks in my mask. To hear my real voice, if even for a moment and just a whisper.
To feel a touch that is as close to sincere as I can allow. I showed vulnerability to him. I showed him a glimpse of that side. To let him look under the darkness I put in front of myself.
I let him in.
For a moment. And then I ran. I put up a wall and he knocked it down. The only problem and it was one he never saw coming. One that he will wish he did.
There is always another mask.
Chapter 20: Part 1: What is your problem?
A girls lunch. That’s what this was supposed to be. The three sisters and their mother getting together and enjoying each other’s company. Spending time together as a family. The thought of it made Kayla Richards sick to her stomach. Each step closer, each moment spent closer to them made her insides turn and swirl. Stepping through the door was like a punishment. Kayla assumed this is what people felt when they were being led to the gallows. Amber cooked with their mother. Tasmin sat on a stool, her legs dangling down as she laughed along with Amber.
Kayla couldn’t help but roll her eyes as she stepped through the archway. Her arms folded over her chest as she stood next to Tasmin, her younger sister giving her a small smile and a wave, they hadn’t seen each other for a few months, not since NGW and WCG shut their doors and both women had been without work until recently. Both inking fresh new deals with Hybrid Wrestling. Amber on the other hand returned to her life as a mother and wife. Enjoying the simpler time. Their mother smiled at Kayla moving around to kiss her on the cheek and give her a hug before ducking into the next room to check on Ambers’ daughters.
Kayla stayed silent as Amber put a top on the pot. “Chilli ok?” Kayla gave a small nod as Tasmin clapped her hands happily bouncing in her chair. Kayla found it amusing, laughing under her breath as Amber cleared her throat. “So, Tasmin was talling me about her and Adam, sounds like it’s getting serious. What about you? How have you been holding up? Anything new?”
Kayla knew that Amber had her fishing rod out and was dipping the hook and bait in the water. Kayla sneered and shrugged reaching forward to take a tortilla chip in her hand stuffing it in her mouth before looking at Tasmin. “So, you and the geek huh?” Tasmin offered up a weak smile, trying to be nice but also clearly fearful of her older sister. Amber’s emerald eyes burned a hole right through Kayla as if trying to warn her to be nice. A warning that Kayla would ignore. “Why don’t you just come out of the closet Tas? You don’t need to date a guy who is more feminine than you, we’ll always love you...we won’t ju-”
“KAY!” Amber’s voice boomed, Tasmin looked down and away from Kayla, an evil grin coming across her face as Amber growled and shook her head. “If you can’t say something nice then-”
“Don’t say anything at a-”
“Shut the fuck up.” Silence fell over the kitchen. Tasmins eyes widened as she looked away reaching out and grabbing her glass of water sipping it. Kayla and Amber stared at each other over the kitchen counter, their eyes meeting as the black-haired, green-eyed, heavily tattooed sisters both refused to budge on their stances. Kayla growled and tilted her head, Amber placed the wooden spoon down and very slowly rolled up her sleeves. The tension was thick.
Kayla took a deep breath and cleared her throat. “Sorry Tas, I was just joking. But I’m glad you found someone after that Jason fuckwit.”
Tasmin smiled, her face lit up as she gave Kayla a hug, Kayla tensed up, tried to hide the disgusted look on her face before lightly petting Tasmin on the back, like someone who hates dogs would do to an overly affectionate K9. She pulled away with a nod, Amber let out a breath picking up the wooden spoon again and stirring the chilli before turning the attention back to Kayla. “Well? Anything new?” Kayla just cleared her throat shaking her head from side to side. “Really? Not a new guy? Like...you know..Billy Danielson?”
What. The. Fuck.
Kayla loo0ked shocked. Was Amber able to read her mind? “How, the f…” It hit her. Fucking Twitter. Kayla threw her arms in the air, placing her hands flat on the kitchen bench and leaning forward clearing her throat. “Look, it’s, I don’t know what it is. So let’s not ok?”
Kayla stayed staring ahead. Tasmin popped up and reached over placing her hand on Kayla’s shoulder. “It’s ok, we won’t pry, but never took you for someone who would like the big, muscled, and dumb ones.” Kayla bit her tongue but turned her head towards her little blond baby sister, if looks could kill Tasmin would be laying on the floor gasping for air.
“Tas…” Amber said it with authority. Not the booming threat as she did with Kayla, this was more of a light-hearted warning. And unlike Kayla Tasmin would listen, giving a nod and turning to join her mother and her nieces in the next room. Kayla shook her head as Amber got closer, keeping her voice down. “So, seriously. Whats up? You’ve been seeing Billy for a few months, in your world that’s almost a goddamn marriage commitment.” Kayla rolled her eyes and flared her nostrils folding her arms again withdrawing from her sister. “You know I’m right. So why not just tell us? He’s got to be miles better than Matt Sh-”
“Don’t you even say that fucking name. In fact you even think it and I’ll rip your tongue out of your skull” Amber put her hands up and stepped back again. Kayla growled again, louder this time as her teeth nashed together. She looked to the side making sure both Tasmin and their mother were going to stay in the next room, occupied by Nova and Luna. “Look, Billy is, ok. I tried to get rid of him, but the fucking idiot just keeps coming back, like he refuses to leave and take the hint. Why the fuck does he keep coming back? The pussy isn’t THAT good.”
“Charming.” Amber replied and shook her head letting out a sigh. “There is the chance he, I don’t know, likes you? Enjoys your company?” Kayla just stared ahead blankly, blinking a few times as Amber offered a shrug. “Stranger things have happened. Maybe you should give him a chance?”
Kayla sighed and leaned forward placing her elbows on the bench. Amber reached out and gave her a small pat on the back “I...fuck!....fine.”
“See...was that so hard?" Tasmin stepped back in holding Nova, Kayla shook her head and pushed her way up. She was in hell, and there was no escape.
If I could turn back time.
“I have a question for you Betsy. Now, I don't expect you to actually answer it. However, if you could go back in time, why haven't you gone back to see yourself when you were a child, and given yourself the advice to have a better personality that isn't so fucking horrible?”
Kayla steps forward and shrugs, wearing a black leather jacket, a black and red tank top with an almost indecipherable band logo, and skinny black jeans.
“This entire issue started at the first strategic assault, and I didn't know it at the time but that night we started something that is going to go on to Annihilation. We both mentioned each other in our promotional material because we were able to identify who some of the biggest challenges were going to bein this company. You zeroed in on me because you know that I'm a threat and I zeroed in on you because I know the type of person that you are. You can't help yourself but to somehow latch on to someone who is going to help you get to where you need to be. The fact that you are James raven's little girlfriend just means you get treated special, don't you Betsy?”
“But, while you get treated special, I am special. Just look at what I have done in this company. I stopped you from getting your grubby little hands on the excellence championship. I owned up to that. You cannot even own up to your role in me not even getting that opportunity. You refuse to own up to it and you refuse to be the bigger person. So I realized at that moment that I need to destroy you. And since that moment what have I done? Where have I been in pro wrestling excellence? I'm undefeated. Every time I have stepped into that ring I have shown the world that Kayla Richards is one of the best. I beat William Blake Mason, I beat that little masked idiot and I was going to end his career and make sure that he was going to be banished from this company.”
“Until you had to get involved.”
“I was going to make a statement. Not only was I going to make a statement that I am not messed with, that I am to be feared, I was going to help take out the trash in this company. Competitors who should not be in this company. Hell, the proof is in the name. Pro wrestling excellence. Excellence. That word should mean so much to everybody who was able to get a contract here, yet some people slip through the cracks. We take on people who should honestly not be here or be a part of this. And I was going to do the right thing and relieve them of their responsibility. El Landerson was going to be able to go home to his idiot family.”
She rolls her eyes and folds her arms back over her chest. A look of indignant anger plastered across her lips.
“But now, because of your interference and your insistence on doing what you believe is the right thing, that idiot is going to be running amok in this company and constantly failing. Congratulations Betsy. Out of the goodness of my own heart, I was going to save him and his family that embarrassment. Being destroyed by Kayla Richards is nothing to be ashamed of. I am undefeatable, unbreakable, undeniable. Now he's going to go on to lose to every single person who walks into this company and be nothing but a joke. Are laughing stock. All because of you. And you didn't even need to be down there.”
“In fact, you should not have been down there. Yet somehow you were able to talk the powers that be into letting you come down and do commentary on my match. And then letting you interfere in my business. If all of you sitting at home cannot see that there is a clear bias against me, then you must be blind. This entire company is geared towards people like Betsy Granger succeeding at the expense of people like me because unlike Betsy I am honest. Betsy will smile and lie to all of your faces and talk about how she is a good person. In reality, Betsy Granger is a manipulative piece of shit.”
“She manipulated the two idiots running this company into letting her do what she wants. Manipulated James Raven into actually thinking that she is worthy of being with him. And she is manipulating every single fan who decides to watch her in the ring into believing that she actually likes them or respects them.”
Kayla cannot help but chuckle to herself, a twisted grin forming on her red-painted lips as her emerald eyes burn with fire standing straight ahead and looking into the camera. As if staring bright into the soul of anyone who happens to be watching this promo.
“The scariest part about all of this is that Betsy and I are not actually that different. If you take away the time travelling bullshit you are left with a manipulative human being who will do whatever it takes to get ahead. That I can respect, that I can actually like. In fact those are the kind of traits that I admire in a human being. But the difference between myself and Betsy is that she will hide behind a smile and try and be charming. She will fool all of you into believing that she is some sort of good person. But for me? Well”
“I'm just a little more forthcoming about my motivations and actions.”
“I'm going to get in the ring and I'm going to do everything possible to make sure you do not walk out under your own power. But failing that I will do everything to simply win the match. Anything and everything Betsy. I will take every advantage and every shortcut, I will break every rule and do any heinous act behind the referee's back to make sure you stay down and I walk out the winner. I'm telling you this freely because you know damn well that if I put my mind to it, there is not a damn thing you can do about it. You cannot stop me, you cannot have anyone watch your back without being viewed as weak. So you are going to lie to all of these people and say that you are not afraid, you are gonna say you can overcome evil. That is until you step in the ring with evil, and you fail.”
“And we both know that being viewed as a failure is your biggest worry. It is your greatest fear, and your greatest phobia. For you to get in the ring with me and lose and have everyone believe that I'm better than you, for you to be viewed as nothing but a name on a list is the thing that keeps you up at night. Not losing loved ones, not anything bad happening to people that you care about, you only care about your own name and your own future. And I'm not judging. That's how I feel. But I admit it Betsy, and when I am done with you, you are going to admit it to the world that you are nothing but a fake and a fraud. Prepare yourself, for Annihilation.”
Kayla simply smiles and bursts into laughter as she backs up and away from the camera cutting it to static
