GREYSON MARKS: Our opening match everyone. When this match was first announced, I’m sure the entire world was like...but it’s a cat.
LINCOLN PHELPS: I know I was. I mean, Ollie is the shit, and everyone loves him, but why in the
hell is he facing off multiple people here?
FINN WHELAN: Did I not read...that the cat is supposed to be like the worst fucking thing in the company?
Lincoln glances over to Finn.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Second worst next to Kayla.
Finn shakes his head, ignoring the comment as he swivels left and right in his chair.
The cameras switch to the middle of the ring where Nina Lawrence sits, her golden curly locks glistening in the lowering light. She stands high, breathes in, and then shakes her head slightly.
NINA LAWRENCE:: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the First-Ever Ollie Open Ovaltational sponsored by OVALTINE. This opening contest is an elimination style tournament in which four competitors will compete until one is eliminated. Once one is eliminated out of the nine competitors, another will take their place until only one competitor remains. The winner of this contest will be gifted with a six-month supply of Ovaltine...and the Oliver Dorito Seal of Approval whenever they grace the halls of Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE. It is a match
entirely of outside competitors save for Ollie. This being said…introducing first…
"MEEEEEEEOWWWWWWW"
The purring vocals of "Robo Kitty" by Excision & Downlink begin to play on the PA System as the lights fade to a blue and red. As the beat becomes more techno-y, The Excellence Kitty, Ollie Dorito, comes out from underneath the curtain, seated purrfectly on a tray carried by his servant, Miss Baztii. Together, they make their way down the ramp to the ring.
NINA LAWRENCE:: Representing Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE, hailing from The Dredges of Catopia, weighing in at an astonishing
fifteen pounds and standing a whole foot, two inches tall….he is THE EXCELLENCE KITTY….OLLLLLLIIIIIIEEEEE DOOOOOORRRITTTOOO!!!!!
At the apron, Baztii picks up Ollie, lifts him up like Simba, and then tosses him upwards nad over the ropes. He lands on the other side, his claws sticking into the canvas and his eyes wide, as she slides in the ropes after him and picks him back up. She sets him on her shoulder and raises her arms to the side as he finds his perch and the music drowns out. Ollie leaps over to the turnbuckle and Miss Baztii exits the ring.
FINN WHELAN: That is a beautiful cat.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Tell that to those of the alumni who have been excised by his vicious claws.
FINN WHELAN: Eeeeghh….GREYSON MARKS: ...oh Lord, help me…
“CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME?”
Bright neon lights flicker throughout the arena as "Here With Me" by Marshmellow feat. CHVRCHES suddenly comes over the sound system. Ernie "The Nerd" Spencer bursts through the curtain with his wife, Jessie Jane Spencer, right behind him. The crowd is going insane as Ernie gives her a kiss on the cheek while smiling from ear to ear. He starts bouncing around the ring as Jessie Jane is clapping her hands while motioning for the crowd to up their cheers. He stops at the top of the ramp and holds his hand out towards his wife. She smiles while walking up to him. She plants a kiss on his cheek before pointing down towards the ring.
NINA LAWRENCE: Next, representing himself, hailing from GAME STOP, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...he stands at five-foot-eight inches tall and weighing one hundred and eighty-nine pounds...The NERD, ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNIIIIEEEE SPPPPPPPPENNNCCEERRRR.
Ernie smiles before breaking into a sprint down the ramp. In one fluid motion, he hops up onto the ring apron, climbs up onto the closest turnbuckle and hypes the crowd up some more. He hops into the ring as his wife has joined him. She stands beside him as he pretends to be playing a game as the music continues to play in the background.
GREYSON MARKS: Ernie is a free agent that saw the posting and thought this would be a great time to get the world of video games involved into the wrestling world. What a way to showcase talent!
FINN WHELAN: He does have previous championships...Championship All Star Wrestling, he was both the Light Heavyweight Champion and the Television Champion. So this man, despite his lack of wrestling prowess...is not one that decided this would be a fun time for the hell of it.
LINCOLN PHELPS: ...think he can get me some Gamestop discounts? I need Vanguard…
"YOUR FAILURES ARE NOT MINE TO HOLD"
The grueling opening of Aviira's “Glasshouse” blares across the coliseum as the lights dim down to a low crimson color. Almost instantaneously, the crowd livens up the inside of the arena with a chorus of boos and jeers. From underneath the curtain walks KERBEROS. He stands at the top of the ramp, gazing out amongst the crowd as a sneer appears upon his expression. He walks down the ramp, ignoring his surroundings.
NINA LAWRENCE: Representing himself, from the mountain land of Aurora, Colorado, standing at six-foot, weighing two hundred and twenty six pounds, he is THE SON OF SNAKES...KERRRRRRBEROOOOOOS!
At the apron, he grabs the top rope and pulls himself upwards onto it, swinging his leg with vehemence and stepping inside. As he walks over to the ropes, he climbs to stand on the middle one, sneering at the crowd as they boo in his direction, before hopping backwards as his music fades.
FINN WHELAN: This one I know a bit more. KERBEROS is a Wolfslair member, and he literally has said about three words to me total. He’s very callous, very rookie, very in-over-his-head. He’s likely here just to get more experience under his belt, but I can’t see him lasting too long.
GREYSON MARKS: KERBEROS certainly looks formidable, but I would have to agree. With the lack of experience, this may be a match that isn’t a good thing for him.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Did anyone forget that there’s a fucking cat out there?
“HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GONNA TRY TO SHUT ME OUT?
I TOLD YOU ONCE, TOLD YOU TWICE, I AIN'T GOING TO TURN BACK AROUND
YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER, TRY TO MESS WITH ME
I DON'T CARE, I'M NOT SCARED
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY, SAVE YOUR SYMPATHY
WITH A FRIEND LIKE YOU, I DON'T NEED AN ENEMY
I WOULD GIVE YOU TIME IF YOU WERE WORTH IT
BUT GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT”
The lights turn off for a moment. The dueling guitar riffs from Simple Plan guitarists Sébastien Lefebvre and Jeff Stinco from their song “Last One Standing” as the screen reads “#Believe” in a light blue font. With a solitary spotlight on the top of the ramp, Adrien Cochrane appears the moment Pierre Bouvier’s vocals begin to echo throughout the venue. Cochrane looks at the fans from the ramp for a moment, giving a smile as he makes his way down the ramp and to the ring, hitting as many high fives and fist bumps as he can on his way to his destination.
NINA LAWRENCE:: Representing Fireside Wrestling Alliance, standing at a solid six feet tall and weighing in at one hundred and ninety pounds, from New Orleans, Louisiana….he is THE DROPKICK KING, ADRIEEEEEEEEENNNN COCHRAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNEEE!
As Adrien leaps over the ropes to enter the squared circle and removes his black leather jacket to expose his #Believe shirt, he leans on the ropes with his fist in the air to the sound of the chorus.
FINN WHELAN: Adrien is a phenomenal wrestler. This year, he was the X*Crown Champion of the entire network at XHF. He also has a plethora of championships under his belt.
LINCOLN PHELPS: I mean, I don’t know who is coming out besides the things listed on my page, but you know...this could be a good match.
DING DING DING
KERBEROS leans against his turnbuckle, sizing up Adrien, who has checked a couple of ropes to make sure they’re stable. His eyes follow him until he glances over to the opposite turnbuckle where Ernie is sizing up
both of them and trying to decide who he wants to face. However, his eyes immediately fall on Ollie, who is ignoring everyone entirely and licks his paw, cleaning his face.
KERBEROS: (unaided) Are you fucking kidding me, the cat is actually a contestant?
Ollie looks up at him, narrowing his eyes. He stretches and then, loudly…
OLLIE DORITO: Owwwwww!
His dulcet meow forces the other competitors to take a step back. Adrien grasps the rope, Ernie pushes himself back into the turnbuckle, knowing from his personal experience from video games that such a fearsome roar must mean a powerful end boss sequence.
However, KERBEROS stares at both of them in astonishment.
KERBEROS: Nope. I am out.
He walks over to Ollie, and puts his hand out for him to pin. The referee, Andrea Lopez, looks confused, but nevertheless, drops to the mat and counts…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
NINA LAWRENCE:: ...um...KERBEROS has been eliminated by...Ollie...Dorito?
ELIMINATED: KERBEROS by OLLIE DORITO
FINN WHELAN: What a fuckin’ dissappointment. That’s okay. We’ll work extra hard this week.
KERBEROS drops to the floor and shakes his head, annoyed that he even wasted his time. In the ring, Adrien shrugs his shoulders and takes advantage of Ernie’s slight bit of confusion,
instantly launching himself at him. After locking up with Ernie, the two battle it out, and he chooses to break the hold. A vicious spinning heel kick hits Ernie in the face and he ends up parallel with the floor for a moment. At this point, Adrien doesn’t hold back. He reaches for the opportunity and grabs the back of Ernie’s head, slamming his head into the mat with a bulldog.
The hard drumbeat of “Sand Storm” by Apashe feat. Odalisk blasts through the speakers, catching the attention of the crowd as the lights begin to flash in an array of while and purple. The entrance ramp begins to fill with a thick cloud of white fog as a silhouetted figure arrives at the top of the ramp, posing with their arms in the air before dropping to a crouch as the spotlight illuminates them, revealing Callie Renton. With a slight smirk on her lips, she gazes around the crowd for a moment before rising to her feet and making her way down to the ring, walking to the beat of the song.
NINA LAWRENCE:: Representing herself...standing a five-foot-five, weighing one hundred and twenty pounds, she is The BRAT PRINCESS...from Manhattan, New York, CALLLLLLLLIIIEEEEEEEEE RENTON!!!!!
When she arrives at the ring, she slides underneath the bottom rope and to the centre of the ring, quickly kipping up to her feet. She looks on to see Adrien, and it takes her but a second to get going as her music fades out. She quickly heads for him, grabs him from behind and impales her knees into his back. He lands on the mat, but it’s not enough to keep him there. Callie wastes no time, and runs for the ropes, bouncing off of them to hit a running shining wizard. Adrien goes down, lying on his back. Callie takes time, a rookie move, and plays to the crowd, listening for the cheers that erupt.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Callie Renton with a shining wizard that no one saw coming. Great things ahead for this girl coming out of her mother’s care. If she wanted to, she would likely make a name for herself if she put her mind to it. Also, she’s cute. I’d date her.
GREYSON MARKS: The question is not if you would date her, Lincoln. It’s if her mother would let you anywhere near her, which I would think
not.
FINN WHELAN: Oooof, I could feel that one.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Yeah, well you’re a--
Whatever Greyson is, we do not hear, because the crowd has gotten louder. Reinvigorated from having a small break, Ernie rises to his feet and looks ahead to see Adrien on the ground. He takes this opportunity to run to the ropes, climbs the turnbuckle, takes but a small second to get situated...and leaps backwards, hitting
CLOSING DOWN THE SHOP (Imploding 450 Splash). Adrien gasps as the wind is taken out from his lungs.
FINN WHELAN: Ernie with a devastating 450 there. The sky is the limit, you know.
LINCOLN PHELPS: That would be Chelsea’s tagline, thank you.
FINN WHELAN: Idioms are idioms, mate.
Callie, turning back around, sees Ernie climbing to his feet, pumped up from hitting such a fantastic maneuver. Ernie turns and finds himself almost
taken out by Callie as she runs for him. However, he is quickly able to turn her into the ropes. This, however, allows her to run at him and leap upwards, hitting him across the upper portion of his chest with a clothesline. They both fall to the floor, but she’s quick to rise to her feet. She reaches down for Ernie’s head, pulls him up into a parallel bend, and places his head in the hole of her arm and shoulder. She flips over him and bashes his head into the mat with
CROWNED (Asai DDT). The crowd goes absolutely nuts.
In the meantime, Adrien has moved so that he can sit up against the turnbuckle. The very same turnbuckle that Ollie Dorito still is perched upon.
Ollie looks down at him, Adrien looks up at Ollie.
OLLIE DORITO: Owwwwwww?
ADRIEN COCHRANE: Hey kitty. Any chance for some help? An alliance? Something?
OLLIE DORITO: Owwwwww!
Ollie turns and places his back towards Adrien, starfish taint and all visible entirely. Adrien frowns at him, shaking his head. He turns to look at the remainder of the field, and almost automatically, he sees Callie almost full throttle running for him. Adrien goes to block, even to throw up a leg, but she never hits him. Instead, he finds her once more standing in front of him, her hand over her nose and her eyes slammed shut. She’s holding her breath, trying to keep herself from sneezing. That was the thing about cats: you never knew if you were allergic to all, or just some. And Ollie was definitely not hypoallergenic. The orange douchekitty turned his head, inquiring but not inquisitive. Callie waved at her nose and then…
CALLIE RENTON: AAAHHCHOOO.
She stumbled backwards.
ADRIEN COCHRANE: Thanks for the assist!
Adrien leaps to his feet, hops up onto the second rope, and launches himself upwards and at Callie, hitting a MISSILE DROPKICK!
WHELAN & PHELPS: DROPKICK!
GREYSON MARKS: A superb maneuver, with quick, veteran-like thinking. Smart, smart.
Callie gets tangled up in the ropes at this point. However, Adrien doesn’t capitalize on it. Instead, he moves towards Ernie once more, and quickly flips him with a well-placed hurricanrana. Ernie falls to the floor again -- but absolutely not done yet. Adrien runs, bounces off the ropes, and baseball slides into Ernie’s side, causing more damage than before. On the opposite side of the ring, Callie gets herself untangled and clenches her fists together. She stares at Adrien, irritated that he got such a quick move in on her, and
rushes him, mimicking his jump to the ropes and using them to leverage her into
SAVAGE DAUGHTER (Springboard Armdrag). She pulls him to the floor, rolls out of it, and then ends up next to Ollie again.
She sneezes again. Damn cat.
And this is all that Adrien needs to capitalize. He rushes to the opposite turnbuckle, climbs it to the top, turns and delivers the
ACE-INATOR (Whisper in the Wind), taking Callie and her head down into the mat. He covers.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!
NINA LAWRENCE:: Callie Renton has been ELIMINATED!
ELIMINATED: CALLIE RENTON by ADRIEN COCHRANELINCOLN PHELPS: Absolutely BRILLIANT showing by Callie Renton here at Annihilation. Now, my number is 623--
GREYSON MARKS: Stop it.
"JUST IMAGINE A TRIP TO A WONDERFUL LAND OF CANDY AND JAM, AND ICE CREAM"
The lights in the arena turn down everywhere except the ring, allowing a spotlight to take up the full job of illuminating the arena. Two additional lights flash on as two people, dressed in a circus ensemble make their way onto the stage. They strut, lifting their hands up, but what's most important is the box that they're carting onto the entrance stage. As they both pull it into the center frame, they walk around, performing a choreographed dance that the audience vibes with. With jazz hands, they pull the attention of the arena towards the box, which begins to shake. They put their hands over their mouth, in faux shock, but they begin to back away.
Soon, the top of the box opens up with a feminine figure uncoiling from inside. Large sparklers begin to erupt from the sides of the stage with Sybil Harter making her grand appearance. She lifts her top hat up with a large smile, demanding applause from the audience. As they do, she steps out onto the stage with the assistance of her two circus accomplices. As "Wonderland" by Caravan Palace continues, Sybil begins her solo trek down the ramp. She struts with a rhythmic swagger that's hard to ignore.
NINA LAWRENCE: Representing...
REDACTED? Hailing from Belle Reve, standing at five-seven and weighing in at one hundred and twenty-seven pounds, she is the COURT JESTER….SYBILLLLLLLL HALTTTEEERRRR!!!!!
She scales the ring steps, giving winks to the adoring audience. Making it to the center of the ring apron, she takes a few other steps before she scales the ropes. To the amazement of her onlookers, Sybil tightropes onto them before hitting a cartwheel and lands into the ring. With her arms raised, sticking the landing, Sybil presents herself to Adrien, Ernie and Ollie. She bounces softly, looking at each of them, waiting for them to make the first move. Adrien and Ernie do, running towards her.
She flips backwards out of the way and Adrien and Ernie collide head on, falling to the floor.
FINN WHELAN: HAHA! That was good, I liked that, can you guys keep her in the ring here?
LINCOLN PHELPS: ...she’s flexible…
GREYSON MARKS: STOP IT.
She giggles in response and shrugs her shoulders, pressing her finger against the side of her lips and grinning. She waits for a second, finally choosing her opponent and heads towards Ernie as Adrien rolls away. She rolls him onto his stomach, crossing his ankles as she bends his legs, standing the opposite direction. She goes for a bridge and--
FINN WHELAN: That would be her move called Facial Scarring, yes?
GREYSON MARKS: Yep! Good notation.
FINN WHELAN: Cool beans.
--grabs for Ernie’s face, pulling backwards while putting her weight on his legs. She grins into this, smiling widely, putting a little more force into it every once and a while. Ernie cannot take much more, and it’s prevalent in his face. He screams loudly and raises his hand. The referee drops to the mat, waiting for his signal. It takes but a few more purloined moments before…
TAP TAP TAP!
NINA LAWRENCE:: Ernie Spencer has been eliminated!
ELIMINATED: ERNIE SPENCER by SYBIL HALTER
FINN WHELAN: A former champion of a redacted company, but it’s clear that Sybil didn’t come into this unprepared. I don’t think any of them came into it unprepared, but just in case...she’s not one to fuck with, clearly. I haven’t seen anyone look that excited to put someone in a muta lock before.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Except for yourself, right?
FINN WHELAN: Oh...well…
LINCOLN PHELPS: Do you do that...you know...in whatever se--
GREYSON MARKS: STOP IT!
Sybil, at this point, has simply bent herself back upwards. She smiles at Adrien as he’s climbed to his feet, and she gives him a little wave, her pigtails bouncing left then right. This time, Adrien doesn’t rush her and opts to lock up with her, raising a hand upwards. Sybil reaches up an arm and takes his hand, clenching her hands into his own. They go for a show of power, which really shouldn’t be a thing because their weight classes are so different, but the Court Jester has her own ideas about the Dropkick King.
“I REMEMBER SYRUP SANDWICHES AND CRIME ALLOWANCES
FINESSE A NIGGA WIT SOME COUNTERFEITS
BUT NOW I’M COUNTIN’ THIS
PARMESAN WHERE MY ACCOUNTANT LIVES
IN FACT I’M DOWNIN THIS D’USSE WITH MY BOO BAE
TAKES LIKE KOOLAID FOR THE ANALYSTS”
From underneath the curtain, in a surprising fashion, Ollie is stunned to see that he is no longer the only cat. Allen Chaney appears out from under the curtain, but tucked amorously within his arms is a grey, striped, flooball by the name of Bill. As Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” plays across the crowd, Allen walks down with the cat -- only stopping for a few moments to
almost let someone pet Bill. Until, at least, he snatches Bill away and points a finger at the fan, saying
NO.
NINA LAWRENCE:: Representing All That Is Good About Cats...with an undisclosed weight and height, he hails from Allen Chaney’s house...THE BEST CAT EVER, BIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
LINCOLN PHELPS: OLLIE HAS COMPETITION.
Ollie’s ears perk up as he watches Allen bring the other cat down to the ring. Adrien has turned the tables on Sybil, having gained control and landed a devastating german suplex on her. He bridges.
ONE
TWO
TH--NO!
Sybil kicks out, unwilling to let Adrien kick her out of this match. She rolls, Adrien rolls, and they both rise up at the same time. Allen, however, has not put the cat in the ring, and stares at the referee until she comes over. He hands her the cat.
ALLEN CHANEY: I swear to God, George Carlin, and Bill’s catmom, if you fucking let harm come to this cat, I will end your life quicker than every new sitcom featuring Kevin James.
The referee nods her understanding, and sets Bill on the floor. The cat looks around, completely confused as to why he’s even in a wrestling ring. He looks at Sybil, who has attempted to deliver a swift kick to Adrien’s head, while he’s ducked and was trying to take her feet out from under her, which she jumped over. He looks to Adrien, who has to use his skills to bounce and get away from the commotion. He looks back at his owner, who nods encouragingly. And then…
OLLIE DORITO: HSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!Ollie LEAPS off the turnbuckle, landing on top of poor Bill, and the two engage in a heated tussle. The referee panics and Allen immediately reaches for his cat, tearing him away from the overzealous kitty known as Ollie. The referee picks up Ollie, but it is to no avail.
Bill squirms and leaps out of Allen’s arms. In a panic, he leaps across the ring, bashes his feet over the fallen Adrien’s face, leaps up and smacks Sybil in the face, and then leaps down to the opposite side of the ring. He heads for the audience, and unfortunately, Ollie is in hot pursuit.
So is Allen.
ALLEN CHANEY: OLLIE I SWEAR. I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE--noIwon’t--IF YOU TOUCH MY CAT.
They all disappear into the audience.
The referee stares at the commotion, before raising her hand and signaling for the elimination bell to be rung. Nina walks up to her and gets the verdict.
NINA LAWRENCE: BILL is ELIMINATED by OLLIE DORITO! On the same token, OLLIE DORITO is ELIMINATED by BILL!
ELIMINATED: BILL by OLLIE DORITOELIMINATED: OLLIE DORITO by BILLFINN WHELAN: Well that was chaotic.
"TODAY'S A GOOD DAY! FOR SOME MAYHEM!"
The lights slowly begin to dim as the laughter spreads out through the speaker system. A pair of strobe lights circle the entrance. Any monitors in the arena will become taken over by the evil mad scientist Dr. Quacker's shouts and screams through the electronic music. The signal appears spotty and will go out from time to time. When he says, "Let's get this party started". The massive form of The Experiment erupts from the back, streamlining towards the ring. Quakers accompanies her out for a moment, before standing at the top of the ramp, a handkerchief in his hand as he dabs at his eyes.
NINA LAWRENCE: From Dr. Quackers Laboratory...standing at...six-six, and weighing in at two hundred and forty-five pounds, she is...THE EXPEEEEERIIIIIMEEEEEENNNNNT!!!!
The Experiment rushes the ring, sliding in within the ropes and looking directly at Sybil and Adrien. She sizes them both up, and with an ungodly power, she tangles up with Sybil immediately. Sybil fights and fights, but eventually, she is lifted off her feet and
slammed into the ground with a powerful
CHOKESLAM.
GREYSON MARKS: By god, the POWER!
The Experiment turns and looks as Adrien, who shrugs his shoulders. He’s faced bigger, he’s faced badder. This is like Dylan Black, right? He rushes towards the Experiment and swings his arms around her, landing behind her and stopping. It looks like he’s going for some kind of suplex, but The Experiment refuses to budge. She bashes an elbow into Adrien’s head once, twice--
CROWD: OH!
--three times before Adrien falls to the ground. Sybil and Adrien both look up at The Experiment, look at each other, and then nod to each other. They crawl to their feet, and Sybil makes a gesture towards the entrance ramp, covering her face in horror. The Experiment turns, and Adrien and Sybil both launch themselves into the rope. They both leap from the ground and slam the Experiment to the ground with a tandem bulldog.
The crowd goes absolutely apeshit for these two competitors as they rise to their feet and stare each other down.
FINN WHELAN: It’s absolutely my favorite thing when two unlike competitors become fast, bosom friends. Makes me happy on the inside. If anyone expected them to get along, you’re like me.
GREYSON MARKS: But there can only be one winner.
FINN WHELAN: Of course. In about three minutes they’ll be at each other’s throats again, no lie. The Experiment, though...shit, that is some strength there.
“MY VAG LIKE AN OPERATIC BALLAD
YO’ VAG LIKE GRANDPA’S CABBAGE
AND MY VAG EFFORTLESS
YO’ VAG POST ADS ON CRAIGSLIST”
Awkwafina’s “My Vag” plays over the speakers to an extremely surprised crowd, but that doesn’t matter, because one of the best damn players in the LFL has arrived. Caity Dawson-Cruz comes out from underneath the curtain, wearing her lingerie football uniform with motherfuckin’ pride. She has her hands raised and is bopping with the beat of the song. She stops at the top of the ramp, soaking up all of the lights and adoration that she doesn’t fully recognize are boos with a few cheers in there. She turns her head and looks directly at her
pale king.
FINN WHELAN: Oh fuck.
CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn!!!!It takes about three seconds, but Caity’s rushing yards land her with a touchdown in straddling Finn’s lap. She wraps her arms tightly around his neck, squishing herself against him.
CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ: I HAVE ARRIVED.
She pulls back and looks at him.
CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ: Where’s my pants? You said you’d have pants?
LINCOLN PHELPS: Did...didn’t you mean you wanted
in his pants?
Caity looks at him, blinking wildly.
CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ: No, I legit meant I wanted another pair of his pants. The ones I have are like so faded and used and ripped more than they should be and I
need them.
She turns her head to look at Finn, eyes wide. She drops her tone low and whispers close to his ear.
CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ: NEED THEEEEEM.
Finn, with wide eyes, spins his chair and reaches underneath the announcers table, handing her a pair of leather, high-waisted pants. Caity claps wildly, snatches them and immediately puts them on after jumping up from Finn’s lap. She bats her eyelashes.
CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ: I’m dedicating this win to you, mwah. Well. Maybe win. Whatever, right?
And off she goes, heading for the ring as her music continues to play. The announcers table is silent for a moment as Finn stares silently ahead, swallowing slightly, which you can see in a rippling effect across his adam’s apple. Lincoln, hesitantly, reaches out and presses his hand to Finn’s shoulder.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Finn, are you--
FINN WHELAN: Shut the fuck up.
NINA LAWRENCE: Representing the Lingerie Football League, weighing in at, “
I don’t know about you”...um....and standing at, “
Bitch, I hope the fuck you do”...really….ugh...she is Finn Whelan’s Future Wife and the final entrant into the Ovaltational. CAITY. DAWSON-CRUUUUUUUUUUUZ!
MEANWHILE, in all this time taken up by Caity and Finn’s continued unwanted love affair, Adrien, having been in the match since the beginning, breathes heavily, wiping at his face while Sybil adjusts her pigtails, tightening them. Both stare at one another, ready to go at it again with The Experiment down, except now their ring is occupied by another entrant. Caity has slid into the ring, buttoning her pale king’s pants around her abtastic waist, and places her hands on her hips.
CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ: Okay, but like, which one of you wants to go?
Sybil takes her up on the offer, running for her and grabbing her head on, hitting her knees right into Caity’s face with
DEATH NOTE! (Facebreaker DDT). Caity bounces backwards and falls to the mat. Adrien gets himself involved, grabbing for Sybil once more and german suplexing her one more time. The Experiment rises to her feet, finally, and looks daggers of death into Adrien himself. The Dropkick King shakes his head and says:
ADRIEN COCHRANE: No.
The Experiment rears back, screams like a pterodactyl, and launches forward. She kicks Adrien in the face with a big boot, and then reaches down, lifting him onto her back. She takes a couple steps back, hops backwards and lands with all of her weight on top of Adrien in
THE FORMULA (Crucifix Powerbomb/White Noise). The Experiment sits up, Sybil crawls to her feet by leveraging the ropes. And then…
CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ: HEY BITCHES!
In an entirely unsafe move and recovery, Caity slingshots herself off the ropes and spears the ever living
shit out of the The Experiment.
FINN WHELAN: OOP, Fourth and Goal.
LINCOLN PHELPS: You would know that.
FINN WHELAN: I will destroy you.
The Experiment falls to Caity’s
FOURTH AND GOAL (Slingshot Spear), but in the process, both of their heads collide. Caity holds her head on the ground, almost completely knocked out. The Experiment, however, rolls as she sits up. Her hands seem to diminish, her hair fades to a god awful brownish blonde. She looks around, surprised, and then looks around at her surroundings. She doesn’t seem to know where she’s at, or even, who she is. At the ramp, Dr. Quackers holds his...feathers…?...up to his mouth.
The Experiment looks at him.
AND SHE SCREAMS.
Sybil, at this time, runs to her, pulls her up to her feet, and wraps herself around her with a
GLASGOW SMILE (Octopus Hold). Sybil screams as The Experiment screams, and Caity screams because it hurts her head and Adrien wonders why there’s so much screaming and estrogen in the ring. It only takes a few seconds but The Experiment raises her hands and--
TAP TAP TAP
NINA LAWRENCE:: THE EXPERIMENT HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.
ELIMINATED: THE EXPERIMENT by SYBIL HALTER.As The Experiment leaves the ring, Sybil leans backwards and props herself up by her arms. She blows her hair out of her face with her lips and then smiles. She climbs to her feet and then reaches down to lift Caity to her feet. Obviously a nuisance that doesn’t know how to wrestle, Sybil thinks shes going to get a quick tap out of this one too.
However, Caity didn’t go for a bunch of rushing yards, fall over, vomit and win a game for nothing. She didn’t allow herself to get injured just so that her team didn’t win. And she wasn’t about to do that here. Caity blocked her hand, stumbled to her feet, and then teetered. They stared at each other, and then…
SLAP.
Caity hit Sybil with an open chop across her chest.
CROWD: OW!
FINN WHELAN: Oh fuck--
Sybil returned the favor, hitting her across the chest with an open chop.
CROWD: OW!
Caity, chop.
CROWD: OOOWWW!
Sybil, chop.
CROWD: OWWWW!
Caity, chop. Sybil drops to her knees. Caity runs to the ropes, bounces off them, and then…
FLYING KNEE TO THE FACE.
Sybil crumbles, Caity goes for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THR--NO!!
Angrily, Caity glares at Sybil as she rises up, and then rises to her feet again, curbstomp-ing Sybil’s head. She goes for the cover once more.
ONE
TWO
THREE!!!
NINA LAWRENCE: SYBIL HALTER IS ELIMINATED!
ELIMINATED: SYBIL HALTER by CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ.
Caity grins as Sybil rolls out of the ring; however, she’s unaware of what’s behind her. Adrien stands at the ropes, stamping his foot into it. He waits for Caity to turn around, and when she does, he launches himself towards her, grabbing her head and bringing her down to the ground with the
ADRIEN CUTTER (Diamond Cutter). There is no way that Caity’s head can take anymore. He goes for the cover.
ONE
TWO
THREE!!!
ELIMINATED: CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ by ADRIEN COCHRANE.NINA LAWRENCE:: CAITY DAWSON-CRUZ IS ELIMINATED. THE WINNER OF THE MATCH AND THE INAUGURAL RECIPIENT OF THE OLLIE DORITO SEAL OF APPROVAL IS
ADRIEN COCHRAAAAAAAAAAAAANEEEE!!!!!FINN WHELAN: Fuck, he stayed in the match all the way in from number four. Good man, good fuckin’ man.
GREYSON MARKS: A good showing from every competitor in that ring tonight.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Definitely. And we definitely saw that Caity is gonna be visiting your--
FINN WHELAN: Continue on tonight, and we’ll see how dead you are in the morning.
Lincoln goes silent.
GREYSON MARKS: Coming up next...we see who wins the Victory Championship tonight at Annihilation.
