Back To School

Narrator: The last time we saw Lewis he was leaving Agent Davidson. His wife Ophelia had found him and since that day Lewis and Ophelia had been by each other’s side. The addition of Bhourbon to their little family was an odd but not unwanted adventure. It didn’t take long for the three of them to bond… Oh come on! What is this moron doing?

The camera quickly pans up to see Lewis sitting in a closet surrounded by empty Gatorade bottles and what seems to be a metric ton of empty Snack-Pack containers. He shifts to his side and the glare of a Nintendo Switch illuminates his face.

Lewis: This will teach her.

The game on the screen is Animal Crossing. Lewis’s finger hovers over the delete island prompt.

Lewis: Iron Man better than Ant Man….

As his finger slowly inches closer to the prompt, the closet door swings open. Bottles tumble to the floor as Lewis falls to the ground.

Bhourbon: FOUND HIM!

Bhourbon Rose tries to lift Lewis up off the floor as he struggles to grab the Switch and she lets go of him as he scrambles for the console that has fallen to the floor.

Lewis: Get out of here Bho… let me grieve in peace.

Bhourbon: Oh get up you baby. Just because she doesn’t like AntMan is no reason to hide out like a bitch.

With a quick head turn Lewis stares at Bhourbon with the light of a thousand fires.

Lewis: What did you call me?!

He leaps to his feet.

Lewis: NO ONE CALLS ME A……

The door to the bedroom opens as Ophelia Pain-Pinkston rushes into the bedroom. She grabs Lewis by the waist and hugs him tight. She then gets a confused look on her face.

Ophelia: Why are you hiding in the closet? If we are playing hide and seek, why do you have clothes on?

Lewis: I was upset.

Ophelia: Oh not this again…

Lewis: No. I’m done now. I got my revenge.

Ophelia: Excuse me….. wait… is that my Switch?!?

Lewis: Byyyyyye.

Lewis hands the game to his wife and saunters out of the room. Ophelia looks down at the screen that says “Island Deleted, Start a New Island?”. Lewis heads down the stairs and into the kitchen, grabbing all the necessities for a CT Crunch breakfast feast.

Ophelia and Bhourbon come galavanting down the stairs. Ophelia has a wide smile on her face as Bhourbon sits down at the table across from Lewis. With a tilted head Lewis looks at both women.

Lewis: Not really the reaction I expected.

Bhourbon: Wouldn’t expect it to be.

Lewis: What are you talking about?

Ophelia: This.

She hands the console to Lewis who doesn’t think much of it, but eventually relents and checks the screen of the game. There at the top was “Snack Cake Island”, which is the name of Ophelia’s island, but nowhere to be seen is his.

Lewis: Where’s Ganja Green Island?

Ophelia: Oh love….

Lewis: Seriously where’s my island?!?

Ophelia: Sweets, were you by chance playing your island before you got the bright idea to delete mine out of spite?

Lewis: Yeah…. But…. Oh fuck me!

Ophelia bends down and gives Lewis a kiss on the cheek and then a little nibble on the ear for good measure.

Ophelia: You’re not usually this rowdy, what’s on your mind?

She took a seat next to Lewis and placed a hand on the top of his thigh.

Lewis: I don’t know. I feel like I’ve let you down. You know? I’ve got the Bitch List show, I’ve got the HR Position in Fight, it just seems like I’ve taken all kinds of time away from you.

Ophelia: But you’re not. I’m busy all the time too, but we all find time to be together. It’s why we fly back and forth with each other all the time.

Bhourbon: What about OCW?

Lewis: That’s not until December.

Bhourbon: And PWE?

Lewis: OH SHIT! I forgot all about PWE.

He hops up from the table in the blink of an eye. And started to head upstairs. As Ophelia follows him right into the bedroom. Lewis throws a suitcase on the bed and begins hastily jamming everything he could grab in there.

Ophelia: Lew, slow down babe. What’s the problem?

Lewis: I’ve got to get to the arena early.

Ophelia: I don’t know why? It’s never been an issue with you showing up later than others.

Lewis: It’s because…

He looks away almost ashamed of himself.

Lewis: I—-I asked for help.

Ophelia: What for? You’re great!

Lewis: As much as I love your blind faith in me and my abilities, you and I both know that’s not true. I’m not trained. I have literally no clue what I’m doing in the ring, and to top it all off I freeze up every time I get handed a mic. If it weren’t for Ollie I’d be lost there.

Ophelia: Well why didn’t you ask me? You know I’d help you no matter what.

Lewis: I know babe, but this is something I wanted to try on my own. Like you’ve been in the ring before and won some pretty big matches, and I— well I got stage fright climbing a ladder, and you had to come get me.

Lewis slumps his shoulders and lowers his head. Ophelia uses her hand and raises his face to meet hers.

Ophelia: It’s my job as your wife….

A quick smile from Lewis, and a kiss to her cheek.

Lewis: I know but it shouldn’t be. You shouldn’t have to worry about me every time I step into a ring. I should be able to stand on my own. I love you more than anything on this planet, and yes of course I will have you show me a few tricks, but please let me try to figure this out on my own.

Ophelia: Well you’re not leaving without me.

Lewis: I wouldn’t dream of it, love.

The two of them embrace, and if they weren’t interrupted by Bhourbon it would’ve gone further.

Bhourbon: So are we all good now?

Lewis: We never were bad. Pack up ladies we are off to Seattle.

Bhourbon: Ew.

Lewis: I didn’t pick it, but we do need to leave ASAP.

Narrator: And in typical Lewis fashion they all packed hastily and were on the next flight to Seattle. Landing and making their way to the city the three of them continued to “bond” in the back of the limo Ophelia set up for them. Honestly this narrator is glad they didn’t allow cameras in there. Anyways the ladies went to the hotel room as Lewis rushed through the city and arrived at a nondescript white building.

Once inside the building Lewis looks around and all he sees is a green screen set up on one side with a few studio lights. A gruff looking man comes walking in with a coffee cup in one hand and a cigarette dangling from his lip.

Butch: Name’s Butch. You the scrub I’m here to make look good and competent in the ring and on a microphone?

Lewis: I guess. Lewis Chad Pin—-

Lewis extends a hand towards the man but he walks right past him. He drags a chair behind a camera and points towards the green screen.

Butch: I don’t have time for this, get in the frame.

Lewis: I don’t understand.

Butch: You. Camera. Now.

The guff man points towards the green screen. With a halfhearted shrug Lewis walks and stands in front of the camera, placing his hands inside his pockets and rocking back onto his heels.

Lewis: Sooooo whaddup? This it?

Butch: Listen Leonard.

Lewis: It’s actually Lew—-

Butch: See there’s a fault. You think I care, Lucas. I don’t. It’s my job to make you not look like a complete moron when addressing the PWE audience.

Lewis: I mean I like to think I’ve done okay so far.

Butch: Really? Okay so then Lewis tell me about this match and how you’re going to win then, the floor is yours.

He holds a hand out in an arrogant manner, as Lewis nods.

Lewis: Alright well the bitch’s name is Malcolm St. Croix.

Butch: Stop. Look at yourself.

Lewis looks down and then back towards Butch with a confused look on his face.

Butch: Hands in your pockets. Rocking back and forth. You don’t even look like you’re ready to fight. Like you don’t care about your opponent.

Lewis: Well I really don’t….

Butch: Excuse me? You think he doesn’t care about you? You think that he’s just sitting around with his wife and girlfriend playing games and smoking pot?

Lewis: He’d be a lot cooler if he did.

Butch: Irrelevant. He’s not. He’s probably watching everything you’ve ever done. Combed through it all to find a weakness to exploit and attack. What have you done?

Lewis drums his fingers on his chin.

Lewis: Well I have come up with a lot of seltzer water puns.

Butch: And what good is that going to do you?

Lewis: His last name is St. Croix. You know like La Croix the shitty water that wishes it was Kool-Aid.

Butch: What the hell does that have to do with anything? Who cares what his name sounds like, you should be striking fear in his brain every time he mentions you. Maybe change your name or something.

Lewis: Ophelia wouldn’t like that.

Butch: Stage name idiot.

Lewis: Oh, right right right. But isn’t that a bit disingenuous?

Butch: Enough of the big words. Tell me how you’re going to beat him?

Lewis: I’m not?

Butch: Excuse me?

Lewis: The dude has been around the industry since I was suckling on my momma's teet. Hell probably longer than that. Even if I gave it my absolute all, it still might not be enough.

Butch hems and haws for a few seconds.

Butch: Listen kid. You’ve got raw talent, but you need to believe in yourself at some point.

Lewis: Well obviously.

Butch: So go ahead and go after this guy with your words and gradually build your confidence. Look at the camera as if you were talking right to him.

Lewis: Okay.

The young LC takes a deep breath and shakes his hands out. He cracks his neck and sucks in air through his teeth.

Lewis: Where do I begin? How does one even begin to quantify how lopsided this match is going to be? Like I’ve gone over everything several times and it’s not going to take Dr. Strange to realize there is no multiverse. There is no second world where you come out on top in this. No, instead there is and will only ever be one outcome for you. Like a snap of the fingers from Thanos, your chances just went poof.

Lewis takes his hand and mimics a small explosion, and then blows away the ‘dust’.

Lewis: Not that you had much of one anyways my guy. Like I’ve watched some rape of you, and I’ll admit it. You’re good. Hell you clearly know your way around the ring. Someone as old as the Watchers in this industry should. Yet that’s the only thing in common you’ve got. What is did notice is how quickly you get frustrated when everything you planned out doesn’t go according to plan. You’re like Captain America’s moral compass. There is only one way to do things and the second things don’t— you’re done. You get all red in the face and begin to stray from your plan. You want to be the perfect soldier but that just isn’t going to be the case. You can’t plan for everything in an industry as chaotic as this.

Butch: What’s with all the movie References?

Lewis: Quiet, I’m on a roll. You’ve never stepped into the ring with someone like me. I am chaos incarnate between those ropes. Will you get hit with one of the five moves I know? Or will I randomly pull out a new one from my ass and shock the world. I’m unpredictable and it’s going to cause you to go crazy. You’re looking at Deadpool, the only person in the world who Taskmaster can’t beat because of his unpredictability. That’s where you’ll fail. You’ll try the standard fair, and that won’t work. You’ll get frustrated and do something you didn’t want to do. You’re going to give me an opening. And when you do?

Lewis pantomimes a gun with his index and thumb, and pulls the trigger.

Lewis: Like Killmonger did Klaw. Quick and painless. There’s a phrase in this world, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Well buddy you’re the old dog. I want, no, I need you to know one thing. I have the cardio of an Asguarian God, the patience of Bruce Banner and the willpower of Clint Barton. That last one sticks out the most. I’m just a normal guy, put into extraordinary situations and still come out swinging. Congratulations Malcom. You are going to be my first win here in PWE. I’ve fought some of the best the company has to offer and now is where I begin my ascent to the top.

Butch: Okay kid wrap it up.

Lewis: Cool. This is my goal. This is my mission. I’m here to prove it to not only myself, but to my lovely wife. To everyone that has ever doubted me. I have something to fight for, you, Malcom, you see yourself as a divine man. With the need to spread the gospel? As a man who believes himself as holier than thou? A man with a mission, but one that isn’t pure. A true man of the cloth looking to spread the word to those who doubt. A man who calls himself the Patron Saint of Violence. You and I are both cut from the cloth. It’s just that my cloth is like Marvel and yours is DC. The scales tip in my favor and are a lot better than yours.

Butch stands up and runs his fingers over the bridge of his nose.

Butch: That wasn’t bad, but there is a lot of room for improvement.

Lewis: Okay. I’m here to learn. Tell me what else I could do.

Butch: That’s for another time. Why don’t you go back to the hotel and get some rest. I’ll cut this up and see what I can get from it to work.

With a nod, a slightly downtrodden Lewis walks out of the building. Looking left and then right he heads towards where he thinks the Hotel is located. That’s when he notices a black SUV following behind him. Every few steps Lewis stops and pulls out his phone. Taking a selfie, and then zooms in on the driver of the SUV.

Lewis: This fucking guy.

Lewis quickly crosses the street and immediately turns around and begins to walk the other way. The SUV quickly pops a U-Turn and slowly approaches Lewis. The window rolls down and there is Agent Davidson.

Davidson: Hey Lewis. What are you up to my man?

Lewis: Hust heading back to the Hotel.

Davidson: Oh right on… you know it’s the other direction right?

Lewis: Yeah I know.

LC turns around and begins to walk the opposite direction.

Davidson: The other, other direction.

Lewis: I knew that. I was just testing you.

Davidson: Get in the car Lewis. We need to have a talk.

Lewis: Nah bro, it’s okay. I really don’t feel like talking to you. So you can feel free to park outside the hotel and wait for me should be like ten…

Lewis looks at Davidson, who raises his eyebrows.

Lewis: Twenty minutes.

Davidson: I’ll do that Lewis, but one of these days you and I are going to sit down and have a talk.

Lewis: Doubtful.

Agent Davidson gives Lewis a little wave and rolls up his window. Watching the SUV pull away out of sight Lewis pulls out his phone and quickly calls his wife.

Lewis: Hey babe.

Ophelia: You ready?

Lewis: Yeah, you guys can come pick me up now. You did what I asked right?

Ophelia: Yes honey, I restarted your Animal Crossing Island.

Lewis: Dope, but also the other thing?

Ophelia: Of course. I love you. I don’t know why we had to check-in at one Hotel and then go to a completely different hotel.

Lewis: I’ll tell you all about it when you get here.

Lewis hangs up the call and leans against the wall. Pulling out a joint he lights it and exhales the smoke into the air. A wide smile comes across his face.

Narrator: So it seems as if young Lewis isn’t quite done with Agent Davidson after all, seems like Lewis is one step ahead this time. It’s just a matter of time before Enersto finds out about this then everything hits the proverbial fan.