Seeing Is Believing

It was not to be.



I can deal with what happened in the ladder match, the result wasn’t what I wanted it to be, but I like to think that everybody saw my effort. I like to think that everybody was happy for me, as I was happy for Zoey for winning the Impulse championship. I came up just short, and I finally understood what a lot of friends who have experienced the same feeling I did after that match. Once the adrenaline wore off, once it was over. I felt… terrible. But, I also felt really good. My body ached, but I was on cloud nine having competed in that match and done my best. I know that I gave everything I had, and even though it wasn’t enough, it still felt good.



When I left the arena and flew home, Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE informed all of us that we were going to have a few weeks before the next show, an extra week off really, in order to get things in order. And I must say, I needed that. That ladder match was hell on my body, and the next day when I woke up, I had pain in places I didn’t know could have pain. I spent pretty much the whole day in bed, because it hurt to move. I walked like I was crippled, I could lift anything that weighed much more than a stack of paper. I have felt like this after some workouts, but not all of them at the same time. It was a new feeling to have all of my body parts ache.



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But, within a few days, I was a functioning adult person again, and now, I had free time on my hands. And one of the things I love to do that I really don’t get the time to do anymore given an active wrestling schedule, but I always love to just relax and listen to music. Weirdly, despite the fact that I’m 28 years old, I find myself listening to more music from the 1970’s, than I do with today’s music. It’s not that I’m not a fan of today’s music, a lot of it I am a fan of, but I can sit back and listen to Pink Floyd or Queen, or Styx, and get far more enjoyment out of it than I can today’s music. Not sure why, I just do.



So, yes, there was totally a day where I did nothing but listen to music and dance around to disco and pretend I was Stephanie Mangano from “Saturday Night Fever”. And I can do those dances, it is one of my little hidden talents, I took several years of dance classes. I can actually ballroom dance. Maybe, if one day I’m like a washed up celebrity I can appear on “Dancing With the Stars” Although I think that might be cheating if I’m being honest. I never understood that.



But back to the point, I was there, dancing and just listening to music. It’s why I had a loft apartment for a long time after I stopped wrestling a few years ago. I had made some connections in wrestling and I figured, having a place where my friends could come and hang out would be a good idea. Come by, you don’t have to spend your money in a hotel. Stay around here, get some good food, enjoy some music or just take your mind off things. It just didn’t last long because as happens with people with bad anxiety like me, you start to sense or feel dread about something, and you start to envision the worst for yourself and others. I knew I would feel like an inadequate host and, well, I’m not exactly a social butterfly when it comes to things. I mean, you can check my twitter account and it’s just pictures of me working out really. That’s where I feel the most comfortable. I’m not much for conversation, so I understand that as I mention myself dancing to the Bee Gees or having a bunch of people over for a stay that it sounds far-fetched.



If one day, I do find it to post stuff like that, I will, and give you the proof. They say seeing is believing, but I have to be comfortable, more comfortable than I am now. Even now in Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE I still feel like an outsider. Even with all that I have done and even… making a friend, dare I say, I’m not sure if Mrs. Madigan-Star considers me a friend or not, considering I suplexed her off a ladder a couple of weeks ago, but even if she did, I still feel like I don’t have anyone to really rely on. If Zoey and I are friends, I mean, that’s one. I’m not good at making friends and stuff like that, but I want to. I want to be an outgoing person, but there’s just some things that make it incredibly difficult for me to be that way. But, as I live by now, it’s one day at a time, and slowly, we’ll get there. I like to go at my own pace, I guess would be a good way to put it.





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When Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE contacted me again, they let me know when and where it was starting up again, and then informed me of being in the main event that week. I swear to you, if I had been holding my phone, I would have dropped it and broke it. Like into a million pieces kind of drop. It was a big deal for me. I wasn’t aware I had done that much to impress, but apparently I had. Now, I was beginning to feel that pressure.



Lizzie Jones took a lot of that pressure off, by simply replying to a tweet with “Team Holly” I hope that she understands how great that made me feel. Again, I do have trouble sometimes expressing how I really feel, because I don’t want to come off as needy or clingy or desperate, even though I’m probably all of those things. But it meant the world to me that she’s in my corner. I know there’s a few others, Mimi and Roxi that always, always talk to me, are always giving me encouragement, and I know they may not want public acknowledgement, so I kind of keep that to a minimum, but without them, I wouldn’t be here today. But having Lizzie is a great deal of weight off my shoulders. She’s awesome and I hope she knows that.





But still, this was huge. I’m in the main event. I’m being trusted to be a headline match. I’m being put in this position and it’s a big deal. I know that last Victory, I was also the main event, but that was different, now this is me, going out there and trying to win a main event singles match. Even with that weight reduced on my shoulders, I could still feel it weighing me down. It began to affect my workouts, I was stressing and overcompensating for this. I knew that I was. Every day that passed and the match came closer, it continued to hit me. It continued to weigh heavily on my mind, and I didn’t want to screw this up. The old saying is you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression, and this one, it had to be good.





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Finally, just a few days ago, Rich made his visit like he always did, and we were going to work out, but he pretty much wouldn’t let me. He knew what was wrong with me, he knew what I was doing and he was determined to stop me. For a couple of days this week, he let me go and tried to tell me to calm down, but to him, it must have looked like I was running on nothing but coffee. I was wired with all the excitement and nerves, and all kinds of emotions running high, but talking did very little to reach me. It was in one ear and out the other because I was focused on so many things and taking every little thing like it was the end of the world if I messed it up.





Finally, on that third day, as soon as I mentioned working out, he shook his head.



“You’re not even working out, kiddo. You’re pressing and you’re going to hurt yourself if you keep going. You need to take a break.”



“But I need to be ready.” I responded to him. But he was right about it.



“No, you need to stop before you pull something or tear something. Relax. Seriously.”



Rich was someone who would give me some give and take in most of our exchanges, but this time, he had put his foot down. When believed he was right, he stood his ground. I had to accept this, but I still pleaded my case.



“Rich, this is important to me. I have to be ready for this match. It’s huge.”



But Rich wasn’t about to simply let me get away with it.





“And it’s not going to do you any good to come into the match over trained. It’s only going to lead to injury sooner or later. I’ve seen it a thousand times in people I’ve trained. Believe me, I know this is important to you, I know this means a lot to you, but you are trying to force this and it’s not going to end well if you continue. I’ve been trying to tell you for the past couple of days and you aren’t listening to me. You cannot get tunnel vision at a time like this. I understand that this Cartwright guy is going to be tough, but you have to know when to pull it back.”



I wanted to continue to plead my case, but Rich was correct. I was doing way too much because I wanted everything to be perfect. It makes me so glad that he was here, because I would have continued to push myself to injury, under the guise of just trying to push myself to get better.





So instead of working out, it was more of Rich and I talking about just… life in general. It was a nice change of pace from what we normally did. I mean, yes, we always talked about life, and Rich always told stories because well… he was over 50 years old and had seen a lot. He had been training people for a long time and always had interesting stories.



It did come as a shock to when I started talking about music he grew up with.



“What the hell do you know about Saturday Night Fever?”



“I really like that movie. It has good music and some kick ass dance moves.”



Rich’s face was priceless after hearing me say that. If I had my phone ready, I would have taken his picture.



“I was 11 when that movie came out. I guess I’m glad you know about it. But you do know that disco is dead right?”



“It lives forever, Rich. But I mean, I’ll totally rock out to Alice Cooper before Disco. It’s just that, you know, I took dance classes for all those years so I like to dance.”





“First, Alice Cooper? You’re making me prouder every day. Second, You dance?”



“Yes.”



“Huh. Learn something new about you all the time, kiddo. Not that I really believe it.”



“What do you mean, you don’t believe it?”



“Holly, I have never seen you do anything but workout and eat food. Now you’re talking about dancing and knowing about Saturday Night Fever. I may be old, but I know what Google is.”



“I’m telling you it’s the truth.”



“I’m gonna need to see it, to believe it.”



And so, Rich and I, we danced, and I made a believer out of him.



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Here we go.



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Holly:



I was close. Very close to becoming the Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE Impulse champion. I knew what I had to do, and I tried to do everything in my power to win the match. But, it was not my night on that night and Zoey Madigan-Star is now the Impulse champion, and to be honest, outside of myself, Zoey is the person I would have very much accepted as winning the match, and she did. That makes me happy and she was complimentary, as she has always been on my efforts. I appreciate that very much, and I look forward to tangling with her perhaps in the future. But, for now, much like everything now, I have to take this stuff one day at a time. And while I did review that match, which I did take as much as I could from it, there is no reason to dwell on it. Was I disappointed? Sure. But that’s just what happened and there is no changing it, there is only learning from it, and moving on to the next match.



I will say that it was nice to have some extra time after Victory III to collect everything and just take a breath. It was a hard-hitting match, and much like everyone else, I did not walk away unscathed. But, that’s okay. I have plenty of scars, physically and emotionally in my life, so I’ve become used to collecting them. But I have had time to heal most of my wounds, but that doesn’t mean I’m not subconsciously making room for more. I know after seeing most people I know do this for a long time that sooner or later, you never walk away without scars or pain. You just simply have to make the pain worth it. So that’s what I am focusing on. The fact that I was close to becoming a champion again, I was close to winning a ladder match against several highly skilled and talented wrestlers. And now, I find myself in yet another main event this week, and I do believe the first singles match I’ve had in Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE. So, I think I must be doing something right. I like to think that anyway. Maybe they see something in me and that makes me very happy about the prospect of this match and what the future could hold for me.



But again, this is a one day at a time thing. So, I tried to make the most of the time I had off to rest, recover, and refocus. Now, for this main event, I am in position to take a giant leap with a victory. I mean, this is the featured match on the show. I’m closing this thing out. There is nothing going on after me besides Nina Lawrence getting into the ring and thanking everyone for coming to the show. That is a crazy concept to me at this point, even though I’ve been in the ring before, and just main evented the last show. But there is a massive difference between being part of a main event where it’s a ladder and there are proven, big time names in the match, and now, it’s me. Maybe, maybe it’s my opponent Nathaniel Cartwright, or maybe it’s both of us. But the only thing I know for sure, is that this is the main event, and it’s up to me to hold up my end of the bargain and deliver. This is a huge opportunity, and I will not let it pass me by.



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Let’s get to it.



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Holly:



Now, I have looked at Nathaniel and I realize that he is quite unorthodox in his approach to wrestling, and he presents a tremendous challenge. It’s never easy to look across from someone in the ring, know that they are your opponent, but never quite know what they are thinking. That’s a big key when going into a match. To try and understand what they are trying to do to you. With Nathaniel, I don’t see anything that jumps out at me, besides, well, the fact that he, himself might jump out at me. But I don’t know that for sure, it is one of his things, keeping opponents in the dark. It’s a clever tactic and yes, I will absolutely have my hands full when trying to face him and figure him out. I know full well that he is, well, an unknown. And I have learned over time, it’s not the unknown itself that we fear, it is what we all think we know about the unknown. It’s dangerous, it’s scary, it creates that certainly feeling of anxiety and trepidation. Nobody wants to go into any situation without any idea where they are going or what to expect. And that’s where I find myself now. I have to go into that unknown and I have to find my way through that unknown. Because what do I really know about Nathaniel Cartwright, and really, what do any of us know about Nathaniel Cartwright?



Forgoing the obvious, basic observations, I think this is a lot of a bluff. Now, maybe I’m wrong, and way off here, but I’ve seen this kind of stuff before. I’ve met people in my brief lifetime, that are not who they appear to be on the surface. They hide things. They never let people know the true version of themselves, because those types of people, they need to hide something. They only let you see what they want you to see, because what’s really there isn’t much.



I believe the phrase is “style over substance”. And with Nathaniel Cartwright, that is the vibe I get. No, this isn’t about this in-ring win-loss record or anything like that. He won at Victory III, I’m not trying to take that away from him in the slightest. But what I feel, and what I see, is a man, who is still trying to figure out who he is, and so, he must act like what he wants to be. If you stuck a camera in Nathaniel’s face right now, and told him to be himself, he would most likely pause, think for a moment, and then do what’s been doing. Act mysterious, or off the wall crazy, or any number of things because he wants all of you to be interested. It’s the same kind of person who when you talk to them, relates everything to a story that may or may not involve them, but they’re going to make it involve them. When you just aren’t interesting enough, you feel the need to make yourself interesting in your own words.



That is what I’m getting here. A man who is now hiding behind using an expanded vocabulary to sound intelligent. A scowl on his face to give off the vibe of intimidation. It all reads like a classic cry for attention. To look and to wonder what exactly is going on behind those cold eyes, what is that brain thinking about? We don’t know, we can’t know. It is the unknown.



Or, really, it’s very little.



Perhaps behind those eyes is that brain, wondering how long will the charade last. Can we fool another person into believing we are more than we are? For someone who doesn’t deal in wordplay or showmanship, last time I saw Nathaniel, he was showing all of us poisonous creatures to demonstrate that he was a predator. All of it meant to distract. All of it meant to show you that he is different. Again, unknown. But lost in all that, was this idea of trying to show you all who Nathaniel is, via animals. Animals that use poisons or toxins are able to lure in prey and get the job done that way. That’s the whole theme of Nathaniel Cartwright. Get lured in by the style, and there’s just enough substance there to get the job done.



There appears to be some sort of collision course set for Nathaniel and Damien Ayla, and while that’s all well and good, and I do have some admiration for Nathaniel, despite being new, to openly challenge or appear to challenge Damien, it also appears that he wants to overlook someone like me. I can appreciate when someone has set high marks for themselves, because I do the same. When I go out there, I will always give 100% because I just can’t be happy with myself if I know I left something out there, and I go into every match now with the confidence that I can win, because I’ve proven to myself, that years ago, those wins were not mere flukes or me getting lucky, they are the result of what happens when I go out there and give it what I’ve got. I see the same thing in Nathaniel, but it just rings hollow and all of this appears to be a show.



But I’ve seen this movie before. Plenty of times. I guess in this instance, I will have to be like a honey badger. They build up tolerance to snake venom, so much so, they can get bitten over and over by the world’s deadliest poisons and still not only kill the snake, but eat it for a snack. I’ve met enough people in my life who do what Nathaniel Cartwright is doing, to know that there isn’t a lot behind this.



Yes, two victories are impressive and I’m not taking anything away from his win-loss record. But I’m more of a “you need to prove it to me” type of person. I’ve dealt with enough fakes, and phony people who can’t be themselves, Mainly because there is no “self” in that equation. It’s what they THINK they can portray. What will make me seem cool, mysterious and dangerous.



This is going to be like an episode of Scooby-Doo now that I think about it. I am going to do everything in my power to look past the exterior that is presented, and get to the interior, find out what’s really going on, and then, unmask the bad guy who was putting on the facade.



I will certainly have my work cut out for me, but as another good saying goes “We learn nothing except by going from known, to unknown. And that's what I’m going to do at Victory IV.



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Good. Good.



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Holly:



This is very, very big for me, it’s important for my career to take this kind of step, and to have this type of responsibility put on me, at this stage of my career in Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE. I take this VERY seriously. I am not going to go down without a fight, that is no longer in my nature. I used to have that habit of folding to peer pressure, that need to fit in, and when people told me not to worry about it, when people told me it’s not that big of a deal, I believed them. Even though I thought differently. I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to cause that stir and be seen as a problem or difficult. Don’t try and do too much, don’t try and step out of line and don’t try to be different.





I have grown wiser in my years, and I understand what this means. It means Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE sees something in me that they like, and they trust. That, to me, means that I have a huge responsibility and that I need to come through. Who knows what lies ahead for the person who wins this match. I have a responsibility to do everything in my power to come out the winner of this match. No doubt it shoots the winner up the ladder to some kind of title match, and I know that Nathaniel has his sights set on facing Damien Ayla in the future. Well, I plan on throwing a little bit of a monkey wrench into those plans. Am I an underdog? Probably. I can see that most do not expect me to win this match, and that’s okay with me. Why? Because all it does is add fuel to my motivation to win even more. And with that motivation, and with how I feel about this, I guess, the only thing left to say is one thing. I’m going to make a believer out of Nathaniel Cartwright.



I believe in Holly Rhodes.



And Seeing is believing.