Push

“Come. As you are. As you were. As I want you to be.”



The words hit my ears as I begin to run. It’s one of the songs I chose to run to every morning. I’m not sure if it’s just the song or the words or the music, but it hits me in a good way on this day. Maybe it’s the fact that I won my match for Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE recently, but something is just different. I feel it when my feet hit the pavement. I feel it in the way I’m hitting my strides for those short sprints. Maybe it’s more people smiling and waving as I run by. Most are supportive and it feels good. Some just want to take my picture. But I feel eyes on me. And for the first time in a long time, they don’t feel judgemental.



Don’t get me wrong, I know that when I’m out in front of a wrestling audience, they are judging me. Well, to an extent. They are judging Holly Rhodes, the person they see, but not the real me. I have dealt with that for a long time. Some people boo me, some people look at what I used to look like, how I used to dress, and they formed their opinion of me from just, perhaps 30 seconds. They never took the time to get to know or understand me.



The fans however? They are patient with me, and I am grateful for that. I never expected that when I walked down to the ring that I would get this huge ovation or anything like that. I would have taken the usual smattering of applause because it’s just a polite thing to do. Hey, you’re a wrestler, I’ll give you a shot.



And it is my hope that given the past month of me being signed to Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE, that they have gotten to know me, and understand me, as a person.



I think about these things as I run, the music playing in my headphones continuing to push me forward. And on this day, it just felt so good. Every song hit at just the right time, and they were all just so good at keeping me going. I always start with “Come As You Are” to set a nice pace, but there’s such a variety of music on my phone, and sometimes, you just get a song and it just messes up the whole rhythm you have going. But, today is different, and today is good.





It feels good, until, obviously, it doesn’t and my lungs burn and one side of my brain begins to try and convince my body that we shouldn’t be doing this much longer. The wall. It sucks when it happens, but thankfully, the wall doesn’t really hit me, until I’m more than halfway into my run. 2 miles down, and one to go. The two sides of my brain have this argument about stopping and continuing.



“We’ve come this far, that’s good enough” and the other half kicks in. “We’ve come this far, it’s just a little farther.”



The latter does a better job, but for a while the former was pretty convincing. That negative voice, that voice that tells you to settle and be happy with what you have. After all the time I spent to get myself together, that side has far less power than it used to.



---



I finally finish the 3 miles and I instantly double over to catch my breath. It’s just a natural instinct, but quickly my hands go over my head and I continue to breathe. It takes a minute or two, but I regain everything, and begin the walk back home. I continue to think about how well my 1st really important match came and I managed to win, not only win, but score a victory over Xaria Linette, and that is not something that everybody does, and not something I take lightly. I remember those congratulations backstage, the fist bumps and literal pats on the back. That was a good feeling. I really wasn’t thinking about what came next, and I probably should have been. It was literally hours after the show ended that the announcement was made that I was going to be a participant in a championship match. Not only a championship match, but a ladder match, and in the main event. That’s one hell of a jump for a girl that wasn’t too sure about even continuing to wrestle just a few months ago.



I make it home and Zeus, loyal as ever, is there to greet me, with happy barking and jumping up and down like a spaz because I was gone for an hour and in dog time that meant 20 years. Zeus was happy I was back and he could see me and touch me. I knelt down and that automatically meant he had to jump in my arms and lick my face. I was being attacked and if Zeus had his way, I would never get up. Zeus has been a big part of my life for a while now and really, he was one of the few things in my life that I could look at every day, and he never judged me. It was a period where I didn’t have people in my corner, and so Zeus filled that role early on. He never once looked at me funny, outside of well, not giving him food or when I was working out. But he never looked at me as anything other than a mom and a friend, so in a way, we were both looking for that, and we found it, and I’m super happy that Zeus is a part of my life.



The days went by as I recovered from the triple threat match, I know I took some good shots and once that adrenaline wore off, the pain set in and it lasted a few days. I think it took a little less time this time to get back to feeling better, but it did little to make me believe I could do what some of these folks do and wrestle multiple times a week, or for multiple places. I think about that road and that is a giant “nope”.





---





As he always did, Rich was on the phone, face-timing, texting, anything he could to make sure I was okay. Again, that amount of support is invaluable to me. But in the process of healing, I needed to heal one more thing. I finally got in contact with my old friend Lizzie Jones. We had not spoken in a couple of years, mostly because we just drifted apart, and I just didn’t really make the attempt to keep that going. I went away, only briefly appearing on social media from time to time, and at one point, I did reach out to Lizzie prior, but she must not have seen it. She is quite the famous person, but I think even she took a break.



Back in the day, Lizzie was able to help me in the very early stages of my career, even though technically it’s still early now, but before I was truly ready to be in the ring, Lizzie was there encouraging me and helping me out with a lot of the ways of the wrestling world, I guess you could call it. Lizzie is still funny and always made me laugh, and helped with a lot of the social anxiety that I still have today. Lizzie took care of me, but I wasn’t expecting her to do it forever, and when we both felt I could handle it, she wasn’t there as much, and soon not at all, and I began to miss her and obviously notice when she wasn’t there.



I reached out to Lizzie and we actually face-timed and after some initial awkwardness, it was like we never actually stopped. We just picked up right where we left off, and she was right there to encourage me, after she saw that I was in the ring and still doing well. I have to say that it does make me feel a lot better to know that Lizzie, after all this time, still has my back.



---



I called Rich when I was ready and he showed up, looking to get back to work. He congratulated me on the win, but he was quick to add to it with more constructive feedback.



“You did a good job kiddo, but that was one. A win is a win and that’s important, that’s what you’re obviously striving for, but don’t just settle for one win and then let it go to waste. One win doesn't make you a star, you have to treat it like a sporting playoff, all it does is grant you the chance to go out there the next time and get better.”



“I know. I know.” I nodded, letting him know I understood.



Rich was quick to make sure the win didn’t go to my head, I had been, and have been, doing pretty well when it comes to my overall win-loss record, but again, it’s literally a handful of matches and with such a small sample size, it wasn’t much to brag about.



“Xaria is a legend, so you should savor that victory, but now that we know you’ve got another match coming up soon, it should be just that, a victory, and the real takeaway from this match, is that you can compete with anybody.”



“It felt like it.”



It really did. But Rich was still correct. One win is one win, and while it was a good one, there was going to be a more pressing challenge ahead of me. I knew that, and even as we watched the match, RIch was quick to point out my flaws, but that’s what review is for. Review helps you take those flaws out so that the next time you go out there you are better.



After the match was over, and my confidence was torn down by Rich, he quickly set out to rebuild it.



“Well Kiddo, there was a lot to like, and some that obviously you know you need to clean up on. But it was a win, that’s a start, we built that foundation of confidence last time, and that was the best way to continue to build. It’s just like building a house. You have to get that good foundation set, otherwise it falls apart. Last week was good. You looked more decisive. You looked more confident, that’s what everybody needs to see.”



“Thanks, I guess.”



“I’m not trying to tear ya down, kiddo. I know that this isn’t easy. But you and I both know that nothing comes easy that’s worth it. Now, I’m not the big wrestling guy, but I did see you’re in a ladder match, and that looks like it’s gonna be rough. Does everybody get a ladder?”



“No. There’s ladder’s everywhere, I’m going to assume, or maybe just one ladder. I’m not sure, but most ladder matches these days have multiple ladders.”



“I see… alright, well, if I were you, I’d stay off that ladder until you see an opening.”



“That sounds like a plan, but even if I spot my opening and I do it that way, It’s not like my opponents are going to let me just climb.”



“I see.” Rich scratched his chin, in thought.



“Well, the last thing you want to do is go flying off a ladder. But you’re making it sound like that’s kind of an inevitability. Guess you’re just going to have to shoot your shot.”



I laugh as Rich is unaware of the new context of the phrase.



“That’s… not quite what that means anymore.”



“I’m old. Sue me. The point is, if we can’t avoid pain, we have to push through it. We need to get you tough.”



“I like to think I’m pretty tough.”



“I’m thinking of a different kind of tough. You’re physically tough, I know that. I’ve seen you throw weights around, I’ve seen you fall and get back up, but we need to keep increasing that mental toughness. You’ve overcome a lot. You got up when you could have stayed down, both mentally and physically. But I know you, kiddo. I know that even now, you feel that anxiety, you feel the nerves, and you still feel the need to depend on people.”



“Is that bad?”



“Only if you use it as an excuse. When you didn’t have anybody, you still functioned. But you didn’t want to. It took some mental strength to keep going, to the point where you understood about needing help. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you have to be tough enough to be on your own and still keep going.”



“Alright.” Rich was right, I was still very socially awkward, I was still nervous and apprehensive. He knew me like a book.



“And in a match like this, with folks the caliber you’re facing… they’re not going to pick you up if you fall, so you have to be able to push through that adversity and keep going. That’s the way to win. I know you probably don’t want to get hit with a ladder or fall off it, nobody does, but that might and could very well happen so… what are you going to do when it happens?”



I looked at Rich, assuming the question was rhetorical.



“What are you going to do?”



“Get back up.” I said, not really knowing if it was right.



“That’s good kiddo, but you have to push through that. You have to learn to be able to push through when you want to quit. Like I know you do when you run. Running sucks, but you know if you keep going and don’t give up, and you push through, you can succeed.”



“Yeah.”



“That’s what we need. Push on through, and good things will happen. Push on through, and there is gold at the end, and all of it will be worth it.”


---



And so… I’m going to push.

---



And we’re rolling again.



---



Holly:

I’m happy that I won at Victory II. It felt good to go out there and impose my will, and get my hand raised. And I have been rewarded for my victory with this golden opportunity at Victory III. And I know I am against quite the cast of characters, I seem to be one of the few… I don’t know, “normal” wrestlers in the company, let alone this main event. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy that not everyone's the same. And to be fair, this is wrestling and the more of a character you are, the more you stand out. I guess I’m going with the opposite approach, stand out, by blending in. Not sure how well it has worked out, and let’s also be honest, it’s hard for me to blend in being a really tall woman. But that’s a physical trait I can’t really do anything about. My opponents however, use a lot more than their physical appearance to stand out.



Anyway, to say I am excited for this match would be an understatement. And looking at the lineup for this match, it makes me more excited, and nervous, and a lot of other emotions. I’m dealing with legends, established stars, and people eager to prove many things. I’m in the same boat on the latter. I do have a lot to prove. Yes, I did beat Xaria and La Andalucera and that win was huge. But no one is going to be throwing me a parade or putting me in the hall of fame based off that. I understand that all of that can look like a complete fluke if I go out there at Victory III and lay an egg. If I am unable to at least build on what I did a couple of weeks ago, if there is no experience that can be gained, then two weeks ago was a waste of my time and the good folks at Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE and I don’t want to make them believe that I am just here taking up a roster spot. I am thankful for the opportunity that I am receiving here, and intend to make the most of this chance. I just understand I have my work cut out for me, as I do each time I step into the ring. This will be no different, the stakes are always high for me.



So, my opponents are all over the place in terms of experience, and skill. Now, I won’t say anyone in this match is unskilled, in fact, I’d say based on the experience, I am once again an underdog. That really puts myself and Lewis Chad Pinkston in the same boat doesn’t it? I don’t want to make myself sound like some old lady, but I remember being 22 and that was me, really on my own for the first time. I was just thinking about trying to figure things out and stumbling my way through life, as most people do at 22. I think the phrase is “old enough to know better, but too young to care.” But from what I researched about Lewis Chad Pinkston, is that he comes from a good background. He went to Stanford and that’s amazing. Not just anybody to get into Stanford. But if I’m looking at his behavior, and the things he says and does, there is almost a resentment of what he has, and how he’s obtained it. And I feel that. I’ve seen it play out a lot. When you have things that always seem to fall into your lap, when you accomplish things and you want to make them your own, and then people look at who you are, who your parents are and things like that, you begin to resent it. You are not given the credit you deserve. You feel that nothing you do, will ever be because you did it, but rather, how you got to that point in the first place. You can’t earn it, because people will always assume it was given to you. I can hear it when I hear Chad speak. He obviously wants to be seen as accomplishing something on his own merits. And really, wrestling is where you can get that. Nobody’s out there but you. It’s on you to do what you can and it’s on you to make of it what you can. I can say that, on that level, I understand Lewis Chad Pinkston.



On a completely different level, I can’t see acting out like he does as helpful to his cause. But if you are so hell bent on making people notice you by acting the way he does, you have resigned to the fact that nobody is ever going to give you credit. So you begin to rationalize and justify your actions. There are easier ways, but when you fall into that line of thinking, it’s dangerous. And that, combined with youth, makes Lewis very dangerous. Not sure how it’s going to affect his ego when someone like me comes along and tosses him around, but I guess we’re going to find out. It will not be easy, but that level of inexperience, makes you prone to taking that chance, or the big risk, to get noticed. I’m not the best with luck, but dropping Lewis on his head means there is a good chance he’s not in my way.



---



Felt good. Keep going.



---



Holly:

I talked about danger previously, and no one in the match screams “danger” more than Allen Chaney. Allen appears to be a man with qualms about hurt people, in or out of the ring. A man who has taken a liking to just beating people up due to his attitude and physical stature. When you are as big as Allen is, sometimes the best defense is a good offense. I have seen him in the ring throw caution to the wind like he had never heard of the word. He is every bit the dangerous man he makes himself out to be. Sometimes I wonder how people are like that, but in Allen’s case, it comes from failure from what I researched. Trying something and failing is never good for one’s self-esteem, but it takes guts to try something like that in the first place. Now, I’m not one of the “PC” crowd who gets offended by off-color jokes. I mean, Blazing Saddles is one of my favorite movies. But I will say there is a time and place for everything, and I would just guess the time isn’t now to be saying the things that Allen says and everyone just thinks it’s funny. Times have changed, and you have to be able to change with them, or I guess in Allen’s case, just continue and blame everyone around you for the failings you come across. Allen is in this case, an animal who has been backed into a corner. Though I guess now, he’s an animal that’s out looking for prey rather than trying to mind his own business. When you feel like the whole world is against you, you lash out, and obviously, Allen has revelled in that way of thinking.



I would say quite honestly that Allen to my mind is the biggest threat in this match. I do enjoy a good fight every now and again, a challenge to my skill and my drive, and while Allen would easily provide that on any day, the match being a ladder match, and his clear and distinctive thirst for violence means to me that he is just as willing to hurt everyone in this match as opposed to actually winning it. He is clearly more inclined to use the ladder as a weapon than to actually climb it. And when you have someone who is so willing to do that much damage, it means extra precautions must be taken. Obviously, judging by his track record and titles won, the violence game plan has worked wonders for him. But I will simply say this: I have been beat up before. I’ve been kicked in the face a few times, by life. And that has not stopped me from getting to this spot that I’m in now. Allen may be almost a living sitcom character, and he may be a violent man, but that’s okay with me. In this match, I am willing to endure whatever is thrown at me, if it means that I walk out the Impulse champion. If the comedian wants to throw everything in the world at me, and try to take me out, so be it. At the end of the day, scars heal, and I’ve already got plenty of them, it’s nothing new to me, and I will get the last laugh.


--


Halfway there.


---


Holly:

I must move on to one William Blake Mason. Mr. Mason is one of the people in this match that interests me the most. A man who clearly has the look of someone who has been through it all. I am sure this is nothing he hasn’t seen before, nothing he hasn’t experienced before. The man has been wrestling for almost 15 years. He’s got more shower time than I have ring time. I make no bones about it when I say it puts me at a huge disadvantage on that fact alone. You can see it in my eyes, and read it on his face. A man who knows the ins and outs and nothing will surprise him. But also a man who has the look of someone who has that little something dangerous about him that he may not really want to go and reach down for, but he knows it’s there if he needs it. And that kind of person is dangerous. The kind of person who has the edge that many in wrestling look to have. I’m still searching for mine, really. That edge that really makes you think that at any moment, there could be a much bigger problem than just a match going on. Obviously at Victory II, that edge wasn’t used, and Kayla Richards went ahead and took a match from him, and you don’t need years of experience to know that someone is seething inside because they expected one thing and didn’t want to have to make it come to something else. I saw that look on Mr. Mason’s face.



And so, I tend to think now that Mr. Mason will be more apt to pull out all those stops he previously didn’t want to. I don’t think it was going soft or anything like that, it was just him testing the waters, or reading the field as we all do when we’re in someplace new. Some people are able to do it easily, and others not so easily. I think I’m a pretty good judge of that, having seen all of my opponents in action two weeks ago, as they saw me. Now, I don’t assume that I’ve seen everything Mr. Mason has to offer, a good poker player knows you don’t show your hand right away, you don’t give it all away 1st hand, you save some of that. But Mr. Mason is smart enough to know that and smart enough to know that he will need to do something similar if he wants to win. I know of the Supreme Championship Wrestling company he was very successful in, and you aren’t successful in places like that, unless you have the tools. Mr. Mason has all the tools, so if nothing else, I will learn from that right there. The only question really is, will that be a calculated risk, because in a match like this, if you screw up once, you may never get another chance. I will certainly be one of them people in this match putting Mr. Mason to that test. Willing to push, and go all in with everything that’s on the line.



---


One more.


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Holly:

And that brings me to the final person in this match, Zoey Madigan-Star. Now, I haven’t had too many interactions with Ms. Madigan-Star, but she has been friendly to me, and I appreciate that. Not too many people are like that anymore. It’s kind of rare in this age of wrestling-related twitter to just have a person say “you did good” or really just acknowledge that you did something without it being some kind of backhanded compliment. I don’t get that vibe from Zoey, and it is a refreshing feeling. I don’t feel that judgement from Zoey that I do from many others. So it is nice to not feel immediately threatened by the presence of another person. I don’t get the feeling Zoey wants to take my head off coming into this match and you know what? I’ll take it. Although, maybe that’s just an old magician’s trick of misdirection. Time will tell.



I also understand Zoey’s level of frustration when it comes to this whole wrestling thing, and life in general. I feel that, I’ve seen people give me those funny looks, and I know people judge Zoey because of who she hangs out with and who she’s married to. I’ll just say that love is love, and if you find it, awesome. To each their own, I’ve always believed. But this isn’t really about that, I was just making the statement. The real frustration is that sometimes you come up short, and people start to say things and you get inside your own head. I was there. I’ve been inside my own head and at times, it was an awful place to be. But, as if by… pardon the pun… magic, Zoey has still pushed through it all and carved out a legendary career with multiple hall of fame honors. That says a lot and I look forward to facing her again. But as much as I love magic, I can’t allow a slight of hand to stop me. This one is mine for the taking, and down the road, I’d really enjoy wrestling her one on one.



---


Holly:


Well, I have said my piece. This week is about pushing the pace, pushing the limits and pushing myself to become better. And winning the Impulse championship is a good way to become better. I feel I have come a long way already, and I only intend to get better. So, I hope that all of my opponents are ready for me to push them, as much as they are going to push me.


Good luck to all.