A Foundation Of Confidence

It was a good start.

I came through the curtain a bit disappointed with myself. I did have high expectations after all, but I came up short. Nonetheless, I was applauded and given a pat on the back, and that was encouraging. I was so nervous and anxious to be out there, and I made it to the final three of that battle royal and well, true to form, got a little tunnel vision and that’s what cost me. At first I was upset about not winning, but then even more upset about the way it happened. I was training for that. I was thinking about it the whole time. I was taking every little precaution I could, and in the end, I couldn’t be mad at Zoey, I couldn’t be mad at Betsy, I had only myself to blame for that. And it was for the exact reason of overthinking things. I knew that I had a lot to learn, and that battle royal was an eye opener.

I sat myself down on an anvil case, watching my feet dangle off the edge and I caught my breath I let the frustration finally wash over me as several production and tech crew folks walked by, telling me in multiple ways that a I did a good job and this was going to be great for Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE if this was just the start. After accepting the kudos, I felt the frustration subside and I got up, headed to the locker room to towel off and then take a much needed shower.

Since this was a new place, and I barely knew anybody on a personal level, it was still super anxious. It was actually a little scary to be in the locker room with the other women and see them all be very cordial, friendly and in a laughing, joking and playing around mood, and here I was, not really ready for that. I sat quietly in that locker room, not really socializing with anyone, other than the women who may have asked me my name, complimented my physique or told me I was tall for a woman. Luckily for me, I wasn’t being asked repeatedly to stand up or anything so that people could compare size with me, like I was some kind of a circus attraction. But then again, this is wrestling and a bunch of people are going out and parading around for entertainment and being over-the-top versions of what they normally are.

I waited for a while, and while many were at the curtain watching the finals and the main event, I was taking my shower, in the empty locker room. It was just a thing I preferred at this point in my life, the crippling social anxiety can be overwhelming. I dressed alone, and like it was nothing, stood off to the side, away from most people and watched as Damian Ayla was crowned Excellence champion. It was a position I wanted to be in, but it was not to be. I did take from all this that Betsy, who won the battle royal I was in, made it all the way to the finals, so there was something to be happy about with that, given all that happened.

At the end of the day, I took my stuff, said good-bye to some of the talent and staff, albeit only those who caught me when I was leaving, and I left driving myself to my hotel and sat on the bed, just lost in thought, trying to take all that I had done tonight in. I did something I never thought I would do again. I wrestled. I was in front of a lot of people, and they didn’t boo me, they wanted to see what I could do. They were interested and that was something I didn’t think would ever happen again. Even with the loss, it was something, and that was a great feeling. After a while, I stood up from the bed and opened the curtains and looked at the night sky and the lit up city. It was weird to see a new place after so long and being comfortable being at home. And truth be told, I was a little homesick, I knew that Rich was going to take care of Zeus but still, I wanted to be there and it hurt not to be. But, I realized right then and there that I could do this. I could go back to doing this and I know I could be good at it. Yes, this can work, and I can make it work. I told myself to enjoy the moment next time. This time I was a ball of nerves and that didn’t help the experience, because there was a lot I could have done, but I was wound way too tight. This was something very few people get to do and I was one of them. This was a good thing. And when I was honest with myself, I enjoyed being out there, and I wanted to do it again. So as soon as it was available, I jumped at the chance to do it again.


---


The airport trip and the flight back home were largely uneventful, though I always do get some stares from grown men and women who just can’t fathom that I could be as tall as I am. Some of them believe I am wearing lifts or I used to be a man. I don’t really know how to take that, except with a polite “No.” followed by, “I’ve always been female” Yes, it makes sense given the community is largely out and about now and I’m okay with that, it’s just not me. I may have changed things about my body, but not that.

When I got back to Pittsburgh, I felt a lot better. Everything was familiar to me and Rich was right there to greet me and pick me up from the airport.

“Nice work out there.”

It was part sarcasm, and part genuine praise. I expected it, that’s what Rich was there to do for me, ease the blows, but also make me understand how to be better.

“Thanks” was my reply as we embraced. He saw that was still smarting from the battle royal and he assisted me in getting to the car and loaded my bag in for me. Yes, despite not winning, pain was the only guarantee in wrestling. Well, pain and travel, but mostly pain. I took some shots in that match and especially getting a knee in the kidney wasn’t very pleasant. You don’t toughen up kidneys, they don’t believe in it.

When we drove home, Zeus was right there, barking and jumping at me, happy to see me like I had been gone for 10 years. Zeus was so loyal and he always felt the need to protect me and make sure nothing bad ever happened. I picked up Zeus and saved him from being put down since nobody wanted a dog this big. Now, there were some issues with Zeus not understanding where the bathroom was to start things out, but we got over that and now, Zeus is a happy dog, who wants to play all the time. I needed something like Zeus in my life, and we have that connection, plus of not being normal sized things. It’s good for us.

After the love fest, the gear bag went into the wash and I finally was able to get some rest. Even though I was just on a plane, I was barely able to sleep. Guess I’m just not good at sleeping on planes. But it felt good to be in my own bed again and resting up for the week that would follow. Rich and I would go over everything and plan for the new match once it was announced.

---


It was only a day or so after that the new card for Victory II was announced. It was going to be me in a triple threat match against La Andalucera and a legend in Xaria Linette. Two people who presented entirely different challenges. There was no doubt in my mind that this was one hell of a way to start off, I was being thrown in the deep end, starting with the battle royal, and now a match like this? I was obviously nervous about this match as well, but also I felt confident about the consequences of this match and what it could mean.

Rich as always made his way to the loft, the first week was to check on me, as I recovered. Thankfully, this battle royal wasn’t too bad, but now, there is no elimination by being thrown over the top rope, this is now, down and dirty, trying to win a match against two solid opponents. My kidneys lingered in the recovering department, but after a few days, I was back and ready to go.


Once I was moving and working out preparing for this match, Rich was now coming to the loft to make sure I was doing the right things to my body in order to be at my peak.

I woke up on the weekend before the second show and Rich showed up right on time. I made him some coffee as we had our usual chat.

“Feeling good?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, and hey, you did good, Kiddo.”

Again, this tone was more constructive and positive. He wanted me to know that it was okay to fail right out of the gate. I usually didn’t do that. In the past, I managed to win matches and my first championship relatively quickly. This time, it would be a grind.

“I got the video, we need to go over it.”

“Sure.”

I hadn’t really seen or read anything about the whole show, outside of the positive reviews and positive feedback overall. Nobody was raving about my performance, just the effort of everyone. So this was a necessary step because a fresh set of eyes obviously helps with one on one instruction.

Together we watched and before I even made it to the ring, Rich paused it and turned to me.

“What’s going through your mind, right here?”

I stopped and looked at myself.

“I’m scared to death I’m gonna screw this up, and that everyone is going to go to hell.”

Rich nodded, as if that was exactly what he thought, and that it was written in a magic marker on my forehead.

“Yeah, that’s what I see. You’re too stiff, you’re rigid, like a robot, like you don’t expect the fans to respect you, and you don’t think they know your name.”

“They might not.”

“That’s okay, you have to make them respect you, and that starts with you walking to the ring. You can’t show how nervous you are right there. When you’re walking to the ring, you have to look confident. Right here, you look like you have no idea what you’re doing. That’s a bad message, now, I’m not a wrestling trainer, but just as a fan, I don’t know what to make of you. There’s a lot of ways to do it. You can be stoic and not acknowledge anybody and be laser focused on the ring, you can jump up and down and do cartwheels, you can hiss and swipe at the fans and you can slap all the hands you want. But you have the deer in the headlights look. You need to loosen up and”

I looked again at myself and I realized it was true.

“I see it.”

“This was your first match in a while, so you know, I get it, this is something new-ish for you. But you have to take control and be who you want to be out there. Enjoy that moment.”

“You’re right.”

We hadn’t even gotten to the actual match yet, and already I had a hard lesson to learn. As we progressed through the match it was evidence that I just didn’t have the confidence, I didn’t look like I was going to do anything besides be timid and try not to get in the way.


“You see what I mean now, Kiddo?”

Just watching myself back was almost embarrassing.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Good.”

As we finished watching my incredibly timid and cautious performance, the workouts and training resumed and the whole time, Rich was preaching confidence. But more importantly, he stressed that while it wasn’t the greatest thing, it was a solid foundation. I hadn’t actually gone out and embarrassed myself completely, this was something to build on. This could be the start of something. I just needed to fill in some gaps that led to some poor actions out there the first time.

“It was the first time in a while, and being nervous is okay, but you can’t show it. You’ve got a good foundation. You’ve got a look, you’ve got size, you’re a lot faster than people may think and your movement over time will become more natural. You just need to get out there again, but this time, you need to visualize that win, and know that you can get it. I watched you talk and you almost sounded like you wanted it, but you still have some work to do. But that’s okay, this is a long process. You just need to know, you can do this.”


“I can do this.”

I answered almost nonchalantly and Rich perked up.

“Do you think so, or do you know so? Who are trying to convince, me, or yourself? Because from what I saw on the website, you’ve got a living legend and a complete unknown looking at you. You’re bigger and stronger than both and you need to assert yourself and let them know. Otherwise we’re going to have to repeat of last time and you’re going to come out on the short end.”


“I CAN do this, and I WILL do this.”


Even I felt it there. The confidence was growing.

“Good. Let’s get back to work. When we’re finished, you will be ready for Xaria and La Andalucera.”

“Let’s get to work.”


We have a foundation, and we’re building.

---

Rich held the camera.

We start.

---


Holly:

Well, a couple of weeks ago, things didn’t go as planned. And that’s okay. I was in the ring with 5 other very talented wrestlers and you know what, I got to the halfway point and really, it was my own fault I didn’t win. I took my eye off the ball and it cost me. I went back and I looked at everything and while I am disappointed, I am not defeated. I am not going to cry over spilled milk, I will simply regroup and come back stronger. I’m treating the battle royal as what it was, a learning experience. And trust me, I learned a lot from what happened a couple of weeks ago. And it made me want it a little more. I want to go back out there and get better each and every time I go out there. And I was in the ring with not only talented wrestlers, but experienced ones as well, and now, I’m becoming a sponge out there and I am soaking up a lot of information just off that one match. Just off a battle royal, which a lot of folks wouldn’t take notice of. And to be honest, Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE really didn’t make it count for anything for those of us who came up short. Why? Because it was to be treated like a learning experience, a feeling out process. I rubbed elbows with some really good ones and that makes me happy, because it’s why I am using, to get better.

Because that’s what it’s about for me. The experience. I don’t have a lot of matches to fall back on, but from what I have already seen, I know where I need to improve and I know that with the hard work and dedication that I put into this, that I can, and will become better, and that is a very dangerous proposition for my upcoming and future opponents. Because when this all comes together, and it’s already starting to, I will be challenging for a championship in the near future and I will get to the point that I am ready to be a champion. I understand that it’s not going to happen right away, but believe me when I say, I’m getting closer every day.

And that’s not meant to sound intimidating or be a sound byte, that’s meant to be taken as a fact. I have all the physical tools one needs to be at the top, it’s just a matter of putting the mental part together, and two weeks ago was a much needed mental rep. And that was a big mental rep. I went out there, and not only proved I could do it, I was a mental error away from getting to a one on one match and then maybe, just maybe, I could have beaten Damian Ayla and become the Excellence champion. But, that’s okay for now. I am merely setting the stage for what I feel is to come. I’m confident in myself and my abilities, and I will put them on display at Victory II.

Now, I get it, I’m facing some crazy stiff competition right out of the shoot. I told my mentor Rich I was thrown into the deep end and expected to swim. Well, lucky for me, I am an excellent swimmer so, I’m more than prepared for the next challenge.

---
Set the tone. I tell myself as I continue.

---


Holly:

Now, this upcoming triple threat match, I am once again finding myself on the extremes in terms of knowledge. One of my opponents has a laundry list of accomplishments, championships and accolades, and the other is simply a shrug emoji when it comes to knowing anything about her. I can google Xaria Linette and there is all kinds of material about her past and what she has done. And trying to google La Andalucera doesn’t even bring up anything because it’s not a word Google recognizes. But that’s okay. They say it’s natural to fear the unknown, but I’m not afraid of a challenge, either by a legend, or a complete blank.


Instead, I plan on rising to that challenge and coming out on top.

As stated, La Andalucera is a complete mystery, I don’t even know if that’s her name or if I’m actually pronouncing it correctly. All I really know is that she’s my opponent, and I got some cryptic tweets at no one in particular about random things that sound like when someone tweets a quote that a lot of people haven’t heard before, and then the tweet author just takes credit for it. I mean “Not everyone who goes to war are soldiers” sounds really deep and really thought provoking, because yeah, it’s pretty true, but it also depends on your definition of what “war” is. I know that I’ve fought my own personal wars with beauty standards as well as wrestling, but no, I’ve never donned a uniform and occupied a country. So, I’m not a traditional soldier by any means. But that does not mean I am not a fighter or capable of fighting. It almost sounds like La Andalucera wants to challenge both Xaria and I on that front, and that’s how I’m going to take it.

I have only heard the whispers of what she went through in her life and after getting seemingly a cold shoulder, I don’t think we’ll be chatting about it over coffee by any means, any time soon. And if her upbringing and her life has made her lash out like this, I kind of understand, because I have felt the anger build up inside me when it seemed like the world is against me. But I had my anger turn to sadness. Maybe because I wanted help, and I don’t think La Andalucera does. And that’s okay, we all handle things differently. But what I’m not about to do, is let her use this as some sort of justification for disrespect. Maybe she is some kind of grizzled veteran who has year of experience I don’t, Or maybe she’s some kind of rookie. It’s hard to tell when Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE hires someone like that who won’t give her age. It may be what she is trying to use as an element of surprise, but at the end of the day, a punch in the face hurts just as much whether you’re young or old. I try not to instantly resort to violence in most situations, but this is wrestling, and I feel a little disrespected by a person who doesn’t know me and may think to herself that I am someone that can just be walked on.

Maybe that was true in the past, but I am a new person now, and I am NOT about to be walked on. In fact, at Victory II, I plan on tossing La Andalucera around because I know I can. I at least know I’m bigger and stronger than her, and she wrestles a lucha style. And all that flying around can be dangerous and hazardous, but when you take someone like that and you bring them down, it can be a long day. I don’t need clever quotes and I don’t need deep thoughts to win this match, I like to keep it simple, and simple means I get my hands on La Andalucera and I beat her into the ground.

She can attempt to fly all she wants, but sooner or later she has to come down. And we will see how good the luchadora flies when her wings are clipped.


---


One down… one to go.


---

Holly:

Now, Xaria Linette is nothing short of a legend in this game. At least in my eyes. When you have accomplished as much as she has, and it may not even be a lot by some people’s standards, but when I see a list of accomplishments like Xaria’s I can’t help but be impressed, and if that wasn’t enough, she leaves the game, and comes back, and wins her battle royal before losing to the eventual winner of the whole thing. That is just as impressive to me as anything else. When you can take that much time away and come back like nothing happened and make it look that good, it is impressive.

If this was a couple of weeks ago, I’d be telling you that against someone with the experience and knowledge of Xaria, I am at a severe disadvantage, simply on the basis of not having what she has. And while it’s true that I don’t, I don’t consider myself the underdog, I consider this a massive opportunity and one that I plan to take full advantage of.

If I am able to step into the ring and compete with someone like Betsy, and Zoey who were at the top of their games, I know I can go into the ring and compete with Xaria. Again, I’m bigger, stronger, and in this case, younger. I don’t mean to make this an age thing, I just said that Xaria made it look like she didn’t miss a beat, but at the same time, I have to question, was it a one time thing? Can Xaria do it again? And will she be able to handle facing basically two unknowns in front of her? I don’t mean to try and ruin a comeback story, I am a walking one in my own right. But as much as it’s a feel-good story, those stories don’t always have a happy ending. A lot of the time, there’s a moment or two where it looks like things are the way they used to be. And then reality sets in.

If I had to be a part of that reality check, then I will be.

Xaria is the smallest person in this match, and again, all it takes is me getting my hands on her, and I can put her on the mat and impose my will, I can then defeat Xaria. I know I can do that. I may not have the greatest technical skill, but I have built myself the power and strength necessary to put a hurting on anyone, legend or not. And now, I’m ready to unleash that power and take advantage of this chance given.

Beating someone with the name value of Xaria, that puts me in a great position. I don’t mean to say it’s going to be easy, but with how I’m feeling, I know what I want is possible.

---

It felt good to say.

---

Holly:

So I hope that my two opponents aren’t going to wait around and act like this is a forgone conclusion that either one of them are just going to waltz in and take me out. I may be a big target, but you know what? I’m used to people seeing me as a threat.

Now, it’s time to prove those people right.

I’m walking into Victory II on a foundation of confidence.

It is up to my opponents to stop me.


Victory II, here I come.