Scars, Insecurities, & Dreams

“Have you ever had a dream Neo, that you were so sure was real?”



It’s a line from the movie “The Matrix.”



Except in my case, it was very real.



But even after getting away from that reality, that dream continues to happen. Over and over. It never leaves me for too long. It’s a deep-seeded memory that never fails to let me forget it, no matter how bad I want to.



And it happened again last night.



There I was, sitting in a make-up chair, checking my phone, as if I had a reason to. There weren’t any texts or tweets I needed to read. No, I just needed to look busy and interested while the make-up woman did her job. I had to look pretty for the camera, this was a photoshoot, after all. There can’t be flaws, or blemishes. My eyes would casually glance away from my phone as I pulled up CNN or some news about the Steelers, whatever I was distracting myself reading and because this was my dream, there was a seemingly endless supply of make-up accessories right by her. Blush, eyeliner, mascara, foundation, bronzer, concealer. Everything a woman could need. And all of it, without fail, was applied to my face..



I didn’t want it, but I wasn’t in control of this dream. It was all globbed on my face, the make-up woman working tirelessly to remove any imperfection. It was caked on so much, for the exact opposite reason:



Wearing so much make-up that it doesn’t look like you’re wearing any.



My hair then had to look a certain way. It had to fall a certain way, be full of volume and color and softness. It had to be perfect. I looked up from the mirror when she was done, and I wasn’t me anymore. I was someone else. Someone I didn’t recognize and didn’t want to be. But no, this was the role I was going to play.



Without a word from her, I was stormed by assistants and wardrobe people. I was almost carried away, because now, I had to be fitted for clothing. It all had to match, look good on my body, accentuate my curves and feminine figure. I had my boobs implanted for this. I had to look like some kind of dream doll. A true “woman” despite that not making any sense to me. The tightest, most revealing clothes were being pushed up against my chest and my back. There were so many people talking it sounded like everything and nothing at the same time. I could only catch certain words “push-up bra”, “denim” and “lips”. Nothing that could be considered a sentence, just fragments.



And like that, I was whisked away again to pose. “Look sexy.” “Look fierce” “Move your hair back” “Push your chest out” “Slow dip forward”. Instructions shouted at me one right after the other, in rapid succession. I couldn’t keep up, I wanted to stop. Everything was going too fast. The room was almost spinning, the shutters and clicks of cameras non-stop. Every angle, every aspect, all of it, overwhelming me, threatening to swallow my whole life whole.



“This isn’t me, this isn’t what I do. Stop. Wait a second. Let me catch my break. Stop.... Stop it!”





---



Those damn clocks.



I was awakened from that dream, by the sounds of the clock effects from Pink Floyd’s “Time”. It was one of the songs I had set as an alarm on my phone. A full 30 seconds of alarms going off, followed by almost a minute of a constant ticking. But it was the song’s words that made it more useful to me.



I sat up in bed, looking over at my phone as I picked it up and turned it off. I put my feet on the floor and rubbed my eyes. A yawn escapes as I think about going back to bed. Or just laying down. But there was much to do. I’m just not into wasting my time. Plus, Zeus, my dog, is right there, wagging his tail and considering barking but instead just brings his head into my hands to pet.



“Hey Google, play my morning playlist.”



Within a few seconds, “Layla” by Derek & The Domino’s starts playing and I spend a few moments waking up, stretching and finally getting up, with Eric working the strings on the guitar like only he can.



I made my usual breakfast of oats, apple, banana and cinnamon in a bowl, boiled in almond milk. It sounds weird, but when you’re a health nut and concerned with eating the right way, it makes a lot of sense.



As I ate, I did what I normally do, almost daily at this point. I checked my phone, checking the card for Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE and made sure my name was still there. That somehow, the website didn’t take my name off of it, or that I haven’t been released. I’ve had the experience way too many times in my life to take it for granted. I had to make sure that I was still there, still employed. If it wasn’t something that would have the staff questioning my sanity, I probably would call or text the bosses something dumb like “Just checking in.”



But there it was, as it was every day since the card was announced. There I was, match 3. Six Person Over the top-rope battle royal. A chance to wrestle three times in one night, and win a championship in my first match in over a year. And while this was only the beginning, it was an amazing opportunity. One I didn’t intend to mess up by not giving my all. But I was looking at the talent just in match 3, and I knew it would not be easy. But, nothing worth doing is ever easy.



After I finished my food, I changed into some workout gear, and gathered my water, my heart rate monitor and a towel and I sat, waiting until there was a knock at my door, and a ring of the doorbell for good measure.



It was Rich. He came at his usual time, like clockwork. I consider it a little bit of luck that I even met him. Well, no scratch that, it was nothing short of a miracle.



---



That dream? It was real at one point. I did model, I did have implants, and I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t understand what any of what my life was. I had some friends, I had some people who helped me out, but I really wasn’t ready for any of that at age 25. I felt like Sarah Conner in the Terminator when Reese explained how important she was and how the future was going to shape out. When you are something of a commodity, everyone wants to be with you, and wants to be around you, and you have to keep up appearances. I was not ready for any of that at the pace it went. I needed time, and it seemed like I never had a moment to myself.



So, in a way, I was actually relieved when places closed down and I had time. But I still wanted to be important. I wanted to be part of the scene, and so away I went, caking on makeup, dancing and grinding on people for attention. And all the while, I slowly, and then very quickly hated myself.



I hated that woman staring back at me most nights, and I retreated back into myself. I had an apartment and I put cardboard over the windows. I didn’t want to leave my place, ever again. I shut out the entire world, hoping that pictures of my body would make people believe that I was okay. Mostly because I didn’t want people to know how miserable I was. And when I decided that it was too much, I could end my existence and nobody would be the wiser.





But people like Rich? They saved my life. The last time I ventured out, I got myself blackout drunk. I partied to hide the pain, but I ended up showing how much I was hurting more and more. I ended up alone, barely wearing any clothes, looking like a mess, and feeling every bit of that mess as well. It’s why I consider the people in my life who were there, my guardian angels. Rich is one of those people. He pretty much found me, passed out drunk and barely even alive, according to him. By some miracle I had actually laid down on my side, or fell, I don’t know which, and so, when I inevitably vomited on myself, it didn’t choke me to death.



Rich found me and got me to a hospital. He got me cleaned up, and he didn’t half to. And then, again, by chance, he was a personal trainer. He was there, and he became a father figure, and he was one of the people who never stopped trying to reach me. A lot of people did, when I was down, and that hurt. But some people never stopped. Rich was there, a constant when I needed one. And now, because he was there, I had a coach, a mentor, & most importantly, a friend. When you have that kind of support, life just gets a little easier.



---



He brought me flowers like he always did. Once a week he gave me tulips, roses & sunflowers. Nobody ever really gave me things like that. It felt good.



“How are you, kiddo?” He said when he hugged me. He always called me kiddo, he was 20 years older than me, so I was like a daughter to him.



“I had that dream again.” I had told him before, and he actually suggested that I pull a picture of what I used to look like and put it up somewhere.



“You wanna do it?” He asked, so ready and willing to help.



“Yes.”



We went into the bedroom and it was there. Tucked into the frame of the mirror on my wall. The skimpy outfit, the giant boobs, thong-clad backside on full display, the airbrushed thighs and legs. The make-up globbed on. If you looked at me then and now, we are two different people.



I stared at that picture for 30 seconds. Rich stood a distance away, giving me space. I took a deep breath, staring.



“That’s me, but that is not who I am.”



I said it. It felt good. Because it was true. I didn’t need to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t need any of the things that picture represented. It was a reminder of my past, but not a symbol of my future.



“One more time, Kiddo.”



I nodded. It felt good to say it, and mean it.



“That’s me, but that is not who I am.”



Rich just waited, and it didn’t take long for me to feel much better. Much more confident about myself and who I am. I needed to embrace and understand my past, and so did Rich. The more we understood, the easier the future was going to be.



“It’s a scar, Holly. They heal. And you will be better for it.”



It made me smile. I spent so much time hating my past, but not understanding it. It was a scar, and it’s okay to carry scars.



They are a reminder that you were stronger than what tried to hurt you.


Today, I am stronger.



I nodded and took another deep breath as I turned to Rich and simply hugged him without a word.



“You ready now?” He asked with excitement in his voice.



“Yes. Yes I am.”



Rich smiled at my response and our home gym session was going to kick off.





---



We would train for the upcoming battle royal. I loved training and working out. I’ve loved contact sports and fighting ever since I was little. I love football, I love boxing, and I actually trained and became an amatuer kickboxer, but I only had 2 fights, so my skills were still pretty rudimentary. But being an athlete, I knew how to train, which is a big issue for a lot of people. Anyone can go into a gym and throw weights around, or run long distances, but there’s a lot that goes into training and working out that people don’t know, and by default ignore.



I was one of those people, but training under Rich? It opened my eyes. He made me better and just preparing to workout, and when to train certain body parts and how to structure and schedule things for maximum effectiveness.



He stretched with me. He coached me. He was exactly what I needed.



---



In the first couple of years I wrestled, I was strictly going off instinct, and just being big and tall. I won matches based on the size of my female opponents. Being 6’1” isn’t exactly normal. But it has its advantages. Ones I intended to put to good use.





We busted out the jump ropes, he skipped a few with me, and then just watched. He watched as the 15 minutes we allotted went by. It was the warm-up.



“How do you feel? The heart rate feel right? Legs sore?”



He questioned me like a coach, like a trainer. But mostly, as a mentor.



“It’s all good.”



“Good good, you breeze through this stuff, kiddo. But you know what today is, don’t you?”



It was leg day. The joke is there, but it holds true. Don’t skip leg day.



“Legs.”



He smiled.



“Let’s get to it. We’re going to make sure that when you are in that ring you are stable. That you have that foundation. You’re already tall, for a female, so you will be able to cover ground faster. We have to make sure that you can drive through people on those clotheslines, or your spear. We have to make sure that when you plant yourself, because this is a battle royal and you don’t want people just picking you up. A strong base goes a long way.”



It was very true.



“And those tiny girls, they’re gonna go for your legs. They’re gonna wanna take them out. You’re gonna get kicked and drop kicked and all that. Strong legs, powerful legs. Legs for the lift, you’re going to be chucking people out of the ring, you want that pop, that explosion in your legs. This is where we start.”





The workout is always intense, but rewarding. But even after the main body part is targeted and my legs are quivering, there’s always more.



“You know we got cardio left.” He reminds me, a chuckle as I’m laying on my mat, sweating profusely. “You are targeting three different matches.”



He was right. Winning one match was one thing, but there would be at least one more beyond that, and still yet another.



“Yeah.” Is my only reply in between breaths.



I slowly make it to my feet, and my legs are recovered enough, but I know at the end of this day, they will be jelly, and I will have to drag myself around the house for about 5-6 hours.



But, the pain would be worth it.



Muhammad Ali once said “I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion”



That holds so true. So I’m going to put everything I have into this.



---



And so, with scars, insecurities and dreams…



I start the journey, yet again.





---





Rich was behind the camera as he had done before. I sat in front of it, doing my best Wesley impersonation from the Princess Bride. I could barely move after that workout, but to the untrained eye, I looked like a confident, powerful wrestler.



Here goes nothing.





---





Holly:



Most of you, you don’t know me. And the way things have been for the past 4 or 5 years, you have good reason. I haven’t been here. I’ve been taking care of myself, and to be perfectly honest with all of you, I didn’t know if I was going to try my hand at this again. Every single place I have tried to wrestle in, and get better at wrestling, has either shut down partially through my tenure, right at the start, or never even got off the ground. It had felt like I'd been cursed, or I was some kind of bad juju for any wrestling promotion, and I began to feel like maybe this wasn’t for me. Maybe, I should stick to just working out, looking good in photos and boosting my own self-esteem through the likes of various twitter followers. I’ve been through a lot in my early days and that didn’t help anything regarding my self-esteem. Wrestling, and winning, gave me a sense of worth and pride. I enjoyed being out in the ring, even though for the first couple of years, I really didn’t know what I was doing half the time, But it just came naturally. It was like second nature. I didn’t know why I did things in the ring, I just did them, and most of the time, it worked out.



But at the end of the day, my career stands at 8 matches and not a whole lot to show for it besides stories of what could have been. And then, for about 3 years, I stayed away from wrestling and just lived my life. So, if you haven’t been following me or asking and keeping track, there’s no way you would know me. And no reason that you should take any interest.



But looks can be deceiving.





I didn’t see it either to start with. I just saw what I did, and then in the blink of an eye, it was gone. And I didn’t think I wanted to get back in the ring because if I was this crazy bad luck charm, anywhere I worked would go up quickly. It weighed on me. It was just another weight that I added to my own shoulders without realizing it. I was so used to doing that, that it became almost second nature.



Then, Triple W became the latest place, just last year to fall under its own weight, and it was just when I was starting to feel better and really enjoy myself. I was starting to feel like me again and that was a good feeling, and just like that, it was taken away from me again. And so, I felt like it was my fault, and I wanted to stop trying. I was ready to give up on everything.





But now, I’m ready to begin again.



I am determined to show you and every single person that stood by me, that encouraged me, and especially those who helped me, that I was worth that time and effort. I will pay you back tenfold for never giving up on me. It’s because of you that I am going to do this again. You have had my back since day one and you didn’t have to. You watched me fall and instead of stepping over me, or stepping on me, you helped me up, and told me to keep going. You gave me strength when I didn’t have any. You showed me love when I had none. So now, I’m going to make you proud. I’m going to show you just how much it means to me.



I will not hide my scars, I will not hide my insecurities. I’ve been through a lot and it changed me. But that’s what makes me, me. I know, my opponents will tell you that everyone has problems, and that’s true. But if I can reach one person that makes it worth it. I am just like you. I have my moments of sadness, anger, pain, and a lack of self-confidence. I am not the epitome of flawlessness or anything like that. I do not portray myself as something I’m not. I tried that once, and it doesn’t work for me. I’m not good at pretending to be someone else. I can’t really play that character. I just have to be me. And that’s what Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE is getting. Me. Holly Rhodes.



I have this opportunity to become something greater. To be the example of what hard work, dedication and being you are, can do. I was always told that I was a natural athlete, I displayed flashes of brilliance in my few matches. I was told that if given enough time, I could become one of the greatest, and that was by 8 whole matches.



Trust me, I didn’t believe it at first either.



I just saw myself messing around, but those who knew better, those who saw what I did, I began to understand, they weren’t just telling what I wanted to hear. Because I got plenty of critique on what I did wrong and how I needed to work on this or that, but they saw it. They saw it and they knew what I could be, if I just had the time.



This is my chance to prove that they were correct, and that I am on the right path.





Well, I know I’m on the right path regardless, because I’m here, alive, and I’m getting to do this again. That is what has motivated me, and that’s what led me here. Life is good, so why not take a chance and go out there and live the way I want to, not the way people believed I should. Because as much as this right here is for my friends, it is also for me. This is my story, and this is how I am going to write it.



---





I had to stop for a moment, just a moment. That was a lot to get off my chest, but it needed to be said.



---



Holly:



So that brings me to this upcoming chance. To be on Victory is an honor and I intend to make it a memorable debut, but I know good and well that there is really, really stiff competition here. Because even though I wasn’t wrestling, I did watch wrestling. I kept up with people I knew, and people who were close to me told me to watch. So yes, I am aware of wrestlers like Zoey Madigan-Starr, Besty Granger, Kayla Richards, & Lachlan Kane. I have seen them perform and yes, my eyes lit up, and my stomach tensed when I saw them sign up or saw they were already signed up. For this little bit of time, I questioned whether I really wanted to jump back into the ring when I’m looking across from seasoned veterans, I’m looking across as people who have been there, and done that a hundred times already. People who just, up and retired and then came back for the fun of it. I struggled to understand who I could compete with.





But sometimes, you just have to say “what the hell?” and jump in, and that’s what I’m doing. I am ready for this, I’m not saying that to convince myself, or to act like I’m some kind of big shot. I am an unknown and I know it. I am going to be one of the least talked about wrestlers in this whole thing. Nobody’s going to expect me to be the name that is on the tip of everyone’s tongue going into Victory. You have legends, hall of fame level talents in every single match. I am not one of those people, so I don’t expect people to expect me.



But I’m going to give them a reason to.



I saw my name in match 3 and while I never thought it was going to be easy, Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE has seen fit to match up some of the best in some crazy difficult to pick a winner battle royals. I have to stand in the same ring with Zoey Madigan-Star, & Betsy Granger, two amazing athletes and wrestlers. I have to face Ross Hanson who already lit up the screen with his work. Zoey has as well. I have to deal with Angel, who seems to be the mysterious type, and Tank Ferdninand, who looks to be every bit the tank his name implies.



Now, I don’t want to sit here and list off everybody’s accomplishments in this match, most have won more than me. I do see that Tank and Angel appear to be newer talents, but they are talents nonetheless, Betsy, Zoey, & Ross have all been kicking ass for longer than me. So to say this is an uphill battle right out of the gate is an understatement. I have no illusions that I am going to simply walk into the ring and beat them all right then and there. But I have no plans of backing down from the opportunity either.







I think for this match, I find myself in the middle. And honestly, that’s about right for who I am. But I’m not the most experienced, but I am more experienced than Angel or Tank, according to what I see. I mean, Angel is a complete mystery, there’s not really a lot of information on her at all. So she is also an unknown. Tank is in the same boat as far as I can see. It feels like he and his two friends are just here for a good time, and you know what? That’s cool. Perhaps it is less for me to worry about, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not watching and waiting to see anything from them I can pick up and use for this match in terms of strategy. It’s difficult to make a game plan for a match like this, when two people don’t give me anything. Wildcards, but still threats, obviously.



Here I am, in the middle, a handful of matches under my belt and a pocket full of dreams and potential.



And then on the far end, Zoey, Betsy and Ross. Zoey is a legend, her background and accomplishments speak for themselves. There’s nothing but respect coming from me on this end. I don’t know about the whole magic thing, but it does make Zoey a unique person. She may be one of the odds on favorites because she is so good and has been for a long, long time. So, yes, nothing but respect for her. Same for Betsy and Ross. Betsy is one of the most interesting and unique people I think I’ve ever studied. And I’ve been a fan of wrestling for a long time. I don’t know of too many people who are as chock full of character as Betsy is. And that has given her a lot of success, and she always seems to come out of every situation tougher, stronger and better. It is what I want to be able to do. Ross had been in ultimate fights based on his track record, and he is also a character that stands out. And I feel for anyone who was at one point out on the streets and overcame it, especially as a child, which is something no child should have to endure, but Ross did, and he will have my respect for that. I consider myself something of a survivor as well. It may just come down to who’s survival instinct kicks in first.



That is what I am up against. Wildcards, legends, characters and fighters. That is just the start of what I am intending to be a long night. But I don’t want to take up all the time and go over all 18 other people because this is about one step at a time. Yes, the odds are long, and yes I am an underdog on paper to my group of opponents and against many overall here in Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE.





I am up against it, no doubt about it.





But I am used to being overlooked and unnoticed. I am used to having people not think twice about me and that’s okay. It scarred me and made me insecure, but it also made me dream of better days and bigger things. So while I can’t come here on camera and guarantee victory, I can certainly tell you that I will not be someone who is overlooked at the first victory. People are going to stand up and take notice of what I do in Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE. I have had the same dream many nights since I was put on the card. That dream of standing with the EXCELLENCE championship. Of going through three hard fought matches and coming out on top. I know I have the skill, and I know I have the drive and determination. I have the heart and training to do it. So while many people will write me off, why not ask… “Why not?”



Why can’t I win? Why can’t I not just make a statement, why can’t I just stamp my name all over Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE? Why not dream big? Why can’t I make my dream a reality? The truth is… I can.





You may not know me now… but you will never forget me soon enough.





---



With Scars, Insecurities and Dreams. I start the journey, yet again.