A screen that looks like it’s a screensaver from Windows 95 fills the screen, when we are all met by the dulcet tones of The, not a, THE Narrator.
Narrator: Now I know that not a single soul in this world has been wondering where LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON has been since the hiatus of PWE, but *A deep audible sigh* here we are. The PWE return is right around the corner. Some new faces will show up, some old ones will run and hide because they pissed down their legs last time and are too scared…. Dammit Lewis! How many times do I have to tell you…
Lewis (Echoing from outside): Just read it as is man.
Narrator: *Clears his throat* They are all too scared to face the man beast known as Big Lew. LC. The People’s Choice. The Bully of Dane Preston, The God Amongst GOATs…. Too Far Lew.
Lewis (Still Outside): Maybe, maybe not. Who cares anymore anyone can say anything these days.
Narrator: That’s not true what if I wanted to say *Censored* Censored* *Censored* and his *censored* *censored*….. Wait.
Lewis (Still Out): See. Standards and Practices will take care of all the blatant lies you just said. I can’t believe you would talk about Mav like that and dude hasn’t even been in a match here yet.
Narrator: I—-I didn’t say anything about…. Wait who?
Finally the screen transitions from the spacescape to A clearly disheveled Lewis. Long scraggly beard, beanie on his head, and just a generally Un-Lewis look about him. Standing next to him is clearly an uncomfortable reporter, or a man we assume is a reporter.
Lewis: Do it…. Do the thing.
Man: What are you talking about?
Lewis: The stuff we talked about beforehand.
Man: I refuse.
Lewis: Fine. Just like PWE I guess I’ll have to do it all myself anyways.
Lewis stares into the camera, geekily waves and smile.
Lewis: Hello friends, contemporaries and dill holes like Dane Preston. For those of you who don’t know, or can’t remember, I am LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON. The MOST marketable member of any roster he seems appropriate to be a part of. It just so happens that there weren't any companies out there that I felt needed a high dosage of LCP. So what did I do with all of my sudden free time? Well after Fight closed their doors I was officially out of jobs.
Lewis looks around and doesn’t see anyone other than the man there and shrugs.
Lewis: I’ll let you all in on a little secret.
The camera zooms in on Lewis’ face, maybe a bit too close.
Lewis: Back up a bit man. You’re in my safe space. Get any closer and I’ll have to use my safe word.
The camera backs up a bit but still overly close.
Lewis: JADA PINKETT SMITH!
The camera rattles around for a moment and then backs up. The man raises an eyebrow towards Lewis.
Man: Jada Pinkett Smith is your safe word?
Lewis: Wha——what? No! It’s antidisestablishmentarianism, but for some reason her name was first in my head.
Man: Mmhmm…
Lewis: Whatever you won’t even do the thing.
Man: I told you….
Lewis: Blah Blah Blah. Where was I?
Lewis runs his hand through his beard and then it comes back to him.
Lewis: Right. The big secret. Running HR for Fight was highly profitable for me. You have no idea how much money I skimmed off the books.
Man: Isn’t
that illegal?
Lewis: Only If you get caught.
Man: And announcing it to the world isn’t going to get you caught? I don’t think you thought this through.
Lewis: Oh it’s all good. That place closed down and I have all my receipts. It’s all *Lewis Finger quotes* “Legit”.
Man: That’s not helping your case.
Lewis: The point is, I’m sitting on a mint right now. Is it millions? No. High six digits? Nope. I’m talking Thousands.
Man: Really? You’re bragging about thousands when there are Literal billionaires in your industry?
Lewis: Well yeah. Pheely makes most of the money for us. I try not to spend her money on stupid shit….. anymore.
Man: Wait. Hold Up. What do you mean anymore?
Lewis: I don’t wanna get into it.
Man: If you tell me I’ll do the thing when we are done here.
Lewis: Ugh…. Fine.
Lewis pauses for a moment and rubs the corner of his eyes.
Lewis: I fell for a scam. Okay.
Man: Elaborate please.
Lewis: I don’t wanna.
Man: Do it.
Lewis: Fine! I figured with all the billionaires in this industry that it was legit, and I “bought” the Brooklyn Bridge.
Man: Wait What? How dumb are….
Lewis: That’s not the worst part. I paid many contractors to put up a blockade on either side of the bridge. You know to keep the Riff Raff out and they ran out with my money too. So since then Pheely took the debit card away and I need my own funds.
Man: Ya Think?
Lewis: Remember you said you were going to do the thing.
Man: Yeah Yeah Yeah.
Lewis: Dope. Back to it then. So I kinda let myself go. I was still getting plenty of cardio but as you can tell the beard is new.
Man: I thought Pheely was your beard.
Lewis: Different context. But I sat back wondering what I was going to do next. Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. It was like an avalanche of great idea after great idea flooded my brain.
Man: Lots of room there huh?
Lewis: Hardly. Anyways. I played the stock market. I’m up. I mean I’m up up, like way big. In ways that people couldn’t imagine. However given some things and paying back some shady loans all of my money is currently tied up in a singular investment.
Man: Care to tell us what it is?
Lewis: No. I don’t need all those mouth breathers and basement dwellers and jerkwads like Dane Preston cramping my style. So I’m just going to let this last investment play itself out and see where it leads me… I mean, us. Okay do the thing…
Man: Now?
Lewis: Yeah I’ve gotta go shave this beard off and get back into some sort of ring shape.
Man: Fine.
The man shakes his head as the green screen behind them changes. With a final deep breath, he smiles and looks directly at the camera.
Man:*In a Singing Voice* Like A Good Neighbor State Farm is there.
Disgusted with himself the man walks off the green screen and out of the frame. Leaving the only the Image of LCP there with “Return of The Mack” playing.
Narrator: I hate this job. Well people that’s only a small part of what Lewis has been up to since the last time you’ve seen him. Tune in again to continue following the adventures of LCP.
