'The Comedian' Allen Chaney SE1E8: Betty

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY

Season 1: Episode 8

Betty

Allen adjusts uncomfortably in his chair as his cocktail arrives.

“So how did things go with Britany?” Reverend Martin asks before taking a sip of his beer.

‘Shellshocked’ is the only way to describe the expression of The Comedian in response to this.

“That bad, huh? I figured maybe you’d like a nice quiet Church girl as a change of pace.” Martin says. Allen blinks.

Twice.

“Martin. I have scratch marks all over my back that can be generously described as ‘gouges’. I’ve been cleaning candle wax out of my chest hair all morning and she did not let it cool beforehand so I have actual burns. She was a maniac. I’m different now. Last night was my sexual Vietnam.” Allen says, a shaken fury to his voice.

“Wait this was Britany? From our Church choir? I guess it really is always the quiet ones. Hey are you okay? You’re sitting all weird.”

Allen releases a whimper in response.

“Oh. OH. Okay I’m gonna go ahead and apologi-"

“No no, you don’t get to avoid the topic now. Stuff was put in me, Reverend. As a result of your actions I had things in me.”

“I get it.”

“BUTT STUFF, PREACHER MAN.”

Allen only stops when he realizes how loud he said that and that people were starting to look at him.

“...all done?” Martin asks.

“For now. I guess.” Allen says, raising a shaky glass to sip his Old Fashioned.

“She actually messaged this morning asking if she could get your number.” Martin says.

“Neat. Tell her I died and she’s not invited to the funeral because I don’t want things stuffed up my fat dead ass”

“That’s gonna be difficult with you being on tv and all. Truth be told even before this uh…incident you’ve seemed a little more tense than usual.” Martin says.  Allen responds with a sigh, taking a moment as he wanted to choose his words carefully.

“Okay so… we’ve been hanging out a few months now, yeah?” Allen says. Martin nods in reply.

“Would you say I’ve improved as a person in those past few months?” Allen says, Martin thinks it over.

“I think that’s fair to say. You’ve still got a chip on your shoulder and I think by anyone’s definition a pretty negative attitude overall but….it’s clear you’re making an effort and that you’ve made some real big strides.” Martin says honestly before taking another drink of his beer.

“Right. So after that draw I felt like absolute dog shit. And then I got added to this match anyway and… Martin, I’m terrified. After my show got canceled and everything fell apart I became a person I don’t like. A part of me still is that person but like… This is a talented crop of people I’m fighting and I’ve staked my entire reputation on doing this. If I lose… I think it would break me. I don’t want to be broken again. When the show got canceled I could point the finger at all sorts of people and cast off the blame and I lashed out at the world. If I lose this I’ll have no one to blame but myself and…well I’ll let you do the math there. I might lose but also…I can’t. I can’t lose.” Allen says, looking down at his drink before taking a huge swig of it.

“I think you just made the biggest stride I’ve ever seen you make, Al. Acknowledging that you don’t want things to go back to the way they were. Use that. You’re going into this and every single one of the folks your facing in this match are going to talk about that draw. As much talking as people do about coming back from a defeat and ‘dusting yourself off and learning from it’ they usually are just trying not to acknowledge those failures. I’ve never seen anyone else in this business genuinely acknowledge their faults and obsess over them as much as you do.” Martin says. Allen gives a slight head tilt/nod/eyebrow raise in response.

“You’ve had a single recorded loss since this company started and you marked what you thought was the cause of that loss and you beat him. That’s efficient. It tells me that you’re going into this determined to correct the record. It’s the right mindset. You have the ability and the drive and the motivation now…go do it.” Martin says before finishing his beer.

“You gonna pray for me, Reverend?” Allen says, appreciative of the pep talk but unable to resist an opportunity to be a bit of a smart-ass.

“I pray for you every day, brother.” Martin says.

Allen is taken aback by how earnest and kind Martin’s response is. Allen was not a religious man by any stretch of the imagination but this genuinely touched him. He didn’t know what to say so he searched his mind for one of his stock responses to kindness. There were very few.

“So…shots?” Allen asks. Martin thinks it over and shrugs.

“Sure. Let’s just not get too out of control.” Martin says.

“Nah, we can handle our booze. We’ll be fine.”

“Instead of letting anxiety run you, try voicing it. Voice it in your comedy. Voice it in a script. Just voice it, and it'll help you release it.”
-Baron Vaughn

We find Allen arriving on set wearing his mask like a good boy and with a coffee in hand, ready to face the day and get his promo found but is quite surprised to find the set is only half finished and everyone is just kind of sitting around. Allen tries to think of an eloquent way to voice his concerns over this matter.

ALLEN CHANEY: Hey so, uh, what the fuck?

The director looks up from a notepad he is scribbling on.

DIRECTOR: Hey there big man, we need to talk.

ALLEN CHANEY: I mean alright sure, let’s talk. First suggested topic of discourse; Why isn’t shit ready?

DIRECTOR: So when you did the show bible mapping out this first season of content… do you remember what this episode was supposed to be a parody of?

ALLEN CHANEY: Dude I barely remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, why is everyone being so weird?

The Director hands Allen the notepad and Allen looks at it.

ALLEN CHANEY: Okay…’In the buildup to Allen finally getting his GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY, Allen slices up a cheesecake with some witty old ladies in a parody of the Golden Gir-' Nooooooooooooooooooooooope. No. Nope. We can’t do that. Like I’ve done some pretty not cool things but we are NOT disrespecting Betty on this show. Not on my watch.

DIRECTOR: Wait so is this part of the show? Like this right now is being filmed and like…you scripted it.

ALLEN CHANEY: It’s meta-commentary.

DIRECTOR: And what does that mean?

ALLEN CHANEY: It means I can get away with doing things that don’t really make sense so long as I somehow attribute it to the overall theme of this promo. People like this shit because it actually isn’t very complex but they still for some reason feel like they’re smart for understanding it.

Allen winks directly to the camera.

DIRECTOR: I mean do you even really do that anymore? It seems like you just kinda fart around to fill time and then put someone through a table or something.

Allen raises an eyebrow.

ALLEN CHANEY: Weird that you bring that part up. You volunteering?

DIRECTOR: Erm…nah, I’m good.

ALLEN CHANEY: Thought you might be. Well…I guess I don’t really have any flimsy justification to hang all of this on so uh… yeah I guess let’s just do the shoot.

DIRECTOR: Okay, so do we throw out the cheesecake?

There is a long pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: Is it...Is it a real cheesecake?

DIRECTOR: Yeah but like if we don’t need it for the scene then…

ALLEN CHANEY: Have it brought to my dressing room.

Allen unzips his hoodie and takes it off. The Director seems confused by this undressing.

DIRECTOR: Uh…are you gonna fuck the cheesecake?

Allen blinks a few times.

ALLEN CHANEY: Uh… I was taking off the hoodie so we can film now… And I was going to eat the cheesecake later.

DIRECTOR: Oh. Yeah I guess that makes more sense.

ALLEN CHANEY: Did you just ask… if I was going to fuck a cheesecake?

DIRECTOR: I mean when you say it back to me it was a very silly thing to ask.

Allen contemplates something for a few moments.

ALLEN CHANEY: You know it’s probably bad luck to fuck with tradition so uh…TALLY-HO!

Allen boots the Director in the midsection before Gutwrench Powerbombing him through the coffee table that had not yet been placed on set. Allen releases a content sigh as if all was suddenly right in the world. He walks onto the set and the camera cuts to a front-facing view of him standing on an unfinished set.

ALLEN CHANEY: I don’t know about you…but I’m thinkin bout Season 2.

Allen let’s a few silent moments pass.

ALLEN CHANEY: Every single one of you deserves to feel as bad as that half-assed decade-old Taylor Swift joke just made you feel and I refuse to apologize. Season 1 has been a lotta fun and everyone is in agreement that I am the perfect leading man and very handsome but right now we are on the precipice of our two-part season finale. In the first part I come back from a bit of disappointment and overcome 4 impressive challengers from all over the world of pro-wrestling and also Ernie and THEN the big season finale where I overcome the Champion and bask in the cheers and adulation of the crowd finally realizing how amazing I am and that I have been right this whole time but mostly because fuck Damian Ayla.

Allen points downward at the text #FUCKDAMIANAYLA that appears on screen.

ALLEN CHANEY: Damian was quick to tell me that my spot in this match was a ‘handout’ and let me tell you what I have to say about that.

Allen points and his chest starts heaving as if he is overcome with venom and fury and it all finally builds up to… a shrug.

ALLEN CHANEY: I mean like yeah but what exactly is your point? Are you trying to appeal to my sense of honor? My sense of self-respect? You can find both of those things alongside all of the interesting things Nathaniel Dixon has ever said. I was the first to admit that that ‘draw’ may as well have been a loss. I made a vow and I failed. Do you think that means I’m just gonna walk away? I ordered a Popeyes Chicken Sandwich a few days ago and they accidentally gave me two of them. Would a single one of you go back to the drive through window after that and say ‘Please take back the sandwich you accidentally gave me….I do not deserve it’. No. You’d eat the fucking sandwich so stow any ‘high-and-mighty’ attitude.

Now Allen wants a Popeye’s sandwich again. FOCUS.

ALLEN CHANEY: So…let’s talk about who I’ve got in front of me. First and absolutely least we have…fuckin Ernie. Ernie, the only reason you advanced in this tournament is because the squares at Hulu who don’t get the biz probably didn’t want Vincent Black hitting his wife on a live broadcast. If he was in this tournament? He’d be in your spot right now and there wouldn’t be such a supremely obvious ‘What the fuck is that incel doing here?’ question dangling over this otherwise pretty perfect match like an unfortunate dingleberry hanging above us all on God’s perfect ass. In case you had trouble following, you are the dingleberry.

Allen points at the camera as if pointing directly at Ernie.

ALLEN CHANEY: So you’re a nerd. Neat. Very unique. Incredibly unique in a world where superhero movies are making billions of dollars and more people know who Tony Stark is than Jesus Christ. There’s a Board Game cafe on every street corner. People have become nationally recognized celebrities playing Dungeons and Dragons on youtube and anyone with a pulse and a halfway decent internet connection has a Twitch account. So tell me, Ernie… and I want you to do some real soul-searching as you try to answer this question…why should I or anyone else give a single shit about anything you say or do in a world where being a nerd is about as unique as enjoying sandwiches or having teeth? There are wrestlers in this world like Jessica Matthews and admittedly I think the whole Captain America shield is a bit silly but the difference between you and her is she can also wrestle her anime-proportioned ass off.

Allen probably realizes he probably shouldn’t spend this much time on Ernie but….dammit he just can’t help himself.

ALLEN CHANEY: I was sitting backstage for your match and the moment I heard a ring announcer say that someone was from ‘Gamestop, USA’ I did not laugh. I got really fucking sad if I’m being completely honest. You could have walked out of the curtain and somehow shot a spinning Beyblade out of your asshole and not only would it have been less embarrassing but it would’ve at least been interesting and a more unique representation of nerd culture, especially if you threw in a nice ‘LET ‘ER RIP’ but I’m not here to do punch-up writing for shitty gimmicks.

Allen mimics the motion for ripping the cord on a Beyblade.

ALLEN CHANEY: So what’s the logic here in you being from Gamestop, huh? Did someone trade in several more talented wrestlers to end up with you? A big stack of gently used top-tier wrestling talent all in their original undamaged packaging and the customer says ‘Clearly this has to be worth one talented and interesting wrestler’ and the Gamestop employee just shrugs and says ‘Best we can do is Ernie’. No. I do not accept that. It is time to snip the Dingleberry.

Allen takes a deep breath. Okay, enough Ernie. Time to move on.

ALLEN CHANEY: Chris Page. I’m sure an old fuck like you has accomplished all sorts of things in other companies that aren’t this one but unfortunately none of those things matter. You all can talk shit on my draw all you want and I am absolutely positive you are going to but when it comes to getting shit done in this company I’m pretty fucking solid. I’m sure you’re all twenty-million time Champions of XGP or GFRW or a whole bunch of other fucking letters but the only letters that matter here are P W motherfucking E. You can rattle off a list of every belt, medal, and spelling bee trophy you’ve ever won. It meant exactly DICK the moment you stepped in this ring. So go ahead and try to hype up how incredible your win over Tyler Blaze or whoever the fuck that was I already don’t remember…

Allen actually seems to be legitimately trying to remember their name.

ALLEN CHANEY: Chris, an unearned sense of superiority is about as annoying a personality trait as grown men who talk about smoking weed all the time like it makes them interesting. Have you ever been stuck at a party talking to a 50 year old dude explaining the differences between Indica and Sativa to you like you’ve never set foot in a dispensary before? Unless your name is either ‘Cheech’ or ‘Chong’ no one gives a shit about your old man weed opinions. If I ever have to hear a head attached to a greying ponytail tell me about Phish one more fucking time…christ. Develop a coke habit like a grown-up. Let your life fall apart. Lose contact with your friends and family then rebuild. Go to rehab. Find Jesus. Relapse. Make it a cycle. Have a sense of fucking adventure.

Allen shakes his head.

ALLEN CHANEY: ‘If you aren’t aware of who I am then shame on you’. Bitch, give me a reason to fucking care. This isn’t the cringe-ass ‘Cannabis Cup’ so I don’t have to act like you’re a big fucking deal because you booked the show. I’m not chomping at the bit to do everyone else’s inconsequential multi-company dipshit hootenannies. I am PWE and you ain’t shit here yet so maybe give some thought to carrying my bags if your old ass back can handle it after I Punchline a few of your vertebrae into powder.

Allen thinks. Trying to string this train of thought together with his next to keep things moving.

ALLEN CHANEY: So let’s say you manage to tear yourself away from the aging stoner at the party and get backed into another corner talking to a dude who keeps saying shit like ‘indubitably’ and referring to things as ‘droll’. Now also imagine this guy can’t go a single sentence without trying to remind everyone of how smart and cultured he is. If you’re still having trouble figuring out who I’m talking about, try imagining this guy looks like a lazilly designed Star Wars alien.

Allen gestures, hoping by now you get who he is talking about.

ALLEN CHANEY: You know why Stephen Hawking didn’t have to spend all his time using his little robot voice machine zipping around to everyone to tell them how smart he was? It’s because actual smart people don’t have to tell people they’re smart the same way I don’t have to go around telling people I like cake. Dude wrote books about how space worked and shit. Every single time Nathaniel Dixon talks about how smart he is I can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to convince us? Or himself? ‘Of course I’m smart’ he must say to the mirror ‘I play the VIOLIN and drink TEA and am CONDESCENDING and wait am I just an asshole?’.

Allen mimics a snooty expression and sips an imaginary tea.

ALLEN CHANEY: See, the thing about people who are actually good at plotting and scheming and having big secret plans is that you don’t know who those people are because they don’t go on twitter every day and post ‘I am plotting and scheming because I am the most cleverest boy’. If you walk into a Brookstone at the mall and tell the cashier ‘Hey, I’m really good at shoplifting’ and still expect no one to watch as you try and steal a foot massager then hey, guess what? You’re a dumbass. Any wrestler worth their salt watches tape of their opponents. Doing the homework all the other students are already doing doesn’t make you Sun Tzu.

Allen puts his hands together before pointing them at the screen, wanting to address Dixon directly.

ALLEN CHANEY: Answer me a question, Nate… something even a commoner could understand so a brilliant fella like you should be able to piece together my meaning. You started wrestling nine years ago.

Allen holds up 9 fingers.

ALLEN CHANEY: Now I know I said outside accomplishments don't matter in PWE but for the sake of my point, I'd like to bring up that In that 9 years  you have won….zero singles titles.

No fingers.

ALLEN CHANEY: Wow man, this is a REALLY slow burn brilliant scheme you’ve been cooking up. This is some real supervillain shit. The CULMINATION of the NINE YEAR WRESTLING HEIST OF THE CENTURY A few days ago Bill accidentally rolled off of the counter he was sleeping on and hit the floor like a dumbass but then walked away like that’s exactly how he wanted that to happen to hide his little cat embarrassment. Does that sound familiar, ya silly Limey fuck?

Allen decides to move on.

ALLEN CHANEY: Vhodka Black. Weird Hot Lady. She seems cool. For the first time ever in PWE I’ll say ‘gonna suck to kick their ass’ but it ain’t gonna make me hesitate. Also in hindsight her hubby isn’t as big a tool as I painted him to be. The fact of the matter is that I’ve been here putting in the fucking work and I DO resent that work not being rewarded and people who didn’t put in the same work being on the same level in this company as I am. In lieu of being acknowledged for what I have done I had to put in my name with a bunch of randos. You may have signed a contract Vhodka but you’re still one of those randos. You’re in the way and if you aren’t going to move I’ll fucking move you. Friend or Foe, I’m not about to let anyone benefit from MY hard work while I get nothing in return. I’m bringing chocolate covered gummy bears. We’ll share them after I win.

A rare moment of semi-earnestness and kindness from The Comedian.

ALLEN CHANEY: Wraith and I put each other through 20 minutes of HELL. You know a lot of the time when people take their opponent to a draw they earn a lot of respect for them. I am not one of those people. Wraith still sucks. Fuck that guy. Posting on twitter after the fact like his shit don’t stink. That’s the difference between you and me, Wraith. I realize when I’ve fucked up. You can tweet all day about how you were one submission hold away from beating me but hey guess what? That’s not what happened. I could sit here and opine about how if I managed to hit you with the Punchline I’d have won that match but if wild speculation about events that already occurred had any bearing on reality I wouldn’t even be here. I’d be on the set of my sitcom that didn’t get canceled preparing for season 3. Also, Biscuits and Gravy Toaster Strudels would be a thing and I’d be having a vodka on the rocks with Betty White right now.

Allen gives a small salute to the camera.

ALLEN CHANEY: Wraith gets called out for being an invader and suddenly he’s ready to sign with the company? You show me ink on paper the day after I beat your ass and I’ll admit I’m wrong and maybe just maybe you’ll prove yourself a man and grow your first chest hair but I’d say the easy bet is that when you lose we’ll never see your baby-smooth face in this company again. I’m not gonna play it cool and try and say some shit like ‘Oh I was having so much fun kicking your ass I forgot to beat you!’. I fucked up. I didn’t get the job done. Now I get a chance to correct the record and stomp on your head. Fun times.

Two thumbs up from Allen for potential head stompings.

ALLEN CHANEY: So in summary…To Wraith and anyone else who thinks PWE is some pissant company who had to call in outside competition….maybe watch the show? Pretty sure the whole ‘Invitational’ concept was dreamed up by Damian who uh, in no way is an executive or official in this company but again I know where this dismissive attitude and hostility in the face of facts comes from. Very Fox News of you. It’s because a company was formed called ‘Pro Wrestling Excellence’. A bold company name signifying just what it says on the tin: ‘Excellence in Professional Wrestling’. And of all the people here in the finals of this invitational? Only one of them got a phone call to be there on day one. That was me. I guess your invitations all got lost in the mail. Maybe your names came up. Maybe they thought it over. Maybe they eventually said ‘Hey, maybe the cat?’ and then forgot your name ever came up.

Allen shrugs. He seems to be shrugging a lot lately

ALLEN CHANEY: See here’s the fact you guys seem to be missing in all of this… The Excellence Champion has his eyes on me. Damian Ayla isn’t interesting or entertaining at all but he also isn’t stupid. He knew I was the obvious next in line so he threw up a wall of outsiders to wear me down on the way there. Well I don't intend to keep him waiting for me much longer. I’m not going to be flippant about this. I’m not going to chuckle and act like this night hasn’t been keeping me awake for months. I need this. You’ll have to send me to the back of the line in a body bag because that's what it’s gonna take to keep me from winning this. I made a Babe Ruth called shot. I hit a bit of a bump but I am still pointing out past the stands and I am still going to hit that fucking homer or die trying. Setup. Punchline.

“It's your outlook on life that counts. If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humor in our everyday lives. And sometimes it can be a lifesaver.”
-Betty White

“How…did we not get arrested?” Allen asks, himself and Martin basically holding each other up on the way to the door of his apartment.

“We didn’t get arrested because we didn’t do anything wrong.” Martin replies.

“You broke a glass over a guys head and slammed him through a pool table.”

"You helped.”

“You started it.”

“I did no such thing. That guy who called our very nice bartender a homophobic slur is the one who started it.” Martin says, defensively.

"I’m not saying I disagree with you. I just don’t want you playing all high and mighty next time we hang after I saw you 8-Ball Corner-pocket a dude into partial paralysis.” Allen says. He laughs. Martin laughs. It was in fact pretty funny for everyone who wasn’t the guy who got put through a pool table but that guy wasn’t here so fuck him.

“Are you good?” Allen asks. Martin takes out his phone and squints at the screen.

“Yes. My Uber will be here in three minutes. I should get back out there.” Martin says.

“Right on. See you later.” Allen says. He tries and fails to sign the cross to the Reverend and instead just starts laughing again. Martin laughs too before starting to leave but…

“Hey.”

Martin stops in his tracks and turns back to look at Allen. Allen’s emotional filter had been destroyed by whiskey but the first time it wasn’t a negative emotion bursting through the dam.

“Thank you…for being a friend.”

Martin just smiles before nodding his head and walking away.

Now that he’s alone Allen takes that moment most very drunk people have to take when they are alone where they take stock of just how spinny everything is. ‘More than usual but not too bad’ is where Allen settled on this as he goes to unlock his door…and finds that it is already unlocked. He lifts up his door mat which of course reads ‘FUCK OFF’ to find that his spare key is gone. Allen takes a deep breath and slowly and carefully opens the door. No sign of anyone yet.

Allen makes quiet repeated soft clicking noises while rubbing his thumb to his index and middle fingers and feels immense relief when Bill immediately comes to him. Okay, at least Bill was safe. That by far was the most important thing. Allen makes it past the entryway over to his home bar where he grabs his wooden mallet (used along with what is called a ‘Lewis Bag’ to make your own crushed ice at home but that is absolutely not important) and slowly makes his way around his apartment. Kitchen was clear. Bathroom clear. Nothing stolen. Finally Allen opens the door to his bedroom, brandishing his mallet.

“Oh.” Allen says, unsure of what else to say. He awkwardly clears his throat.

“Uh…heyyyyy Britany. I was gonna text you but uh…like we forgot to exchange numbers on accident but even so this is uh….absolutely not cool the whole coming into my apartment thing. Boundaries are important in a relationship and... well we aren't in a realtionship but...uh...shit."

A robe hits the floor of Allen’s messy bedroom and Allen is running through all of possible correct responses like ‘Hey I’ve got a big match coming up I should probably be resting up for’ or ‘I am very intoxicated and this is probably a bad idea’ or perhaps the most tempting of them all ‘Leave my home you razor-clawed harpy and never attempt to sully my backside again’. All solid options. None of them really incorrect.

On the other hand the alcohol and the idea of someone being possibly attracted to him… His defenses were lowered. Also naked. Naked lady. Naked lady in his room. With all the naked lady parts. But surely he would make the right choice?

“Look… my safe word is ‘Alabaster’ and I really REALLY need you to listen to it this time.”